The Confessional

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THE REQUEST:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I do most of my labor in a dark workplace with poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

I am willing to work any shift.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

THE RESPONSE:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You never work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated work area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You rarely take the initiative - you usually need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave your workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You are expected to retire before you are 65.

You are generally unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

The Management

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