Any Good Jokes?

[SHORENUFFSTUFF]

When I was 25, I took a vow of celibacy.
My wife, however, called it "wedding vows."

Celibacy and atheism are similar.
Celibacy: avoiding sex
Atheism: avoiding sects

Yesterday, my church threw a celibacy party.
Nobody came.

A priest broke his vow of celibacy.
The church only saw it as a minor issue.

My wife got us a world map and gave me a dart.
Her: “Throw this and wherever it lands – that’s where I’m taking you when this lockdown and pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we will be spending two weeks behind the fridge...

I am trying to do some fruit smoothies,
but they keep coming out as Margaritas.

My body has absorbed so much soap,
sanitizer and disinfectant, that every time I pee, I basically clean the toilet...

"If the presidency is the head of the American body politically, then, technically, isn't congress its gastrointestinal tract?” Asking for a friend....

My friends were concerned that my
old car may break down during our road trip through Canada.
I told them not to worry, I have Triple Eh

Interviewer: So what’s your name?
Me: Brandon, without a T.
Interviewer: But there’s no T in Brandon.
Me: That’s what I said.

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

My wife's vagina is like Disneyland.
It may be the happiest place on earth, but the older you get, the less it is worth the time, expense, aggravation, and hassle.