I got flipped off three times by the same woman
during rush hour today. I’ll never drive my wife to work again.
When an athlete points to the sky…
he's saying "That one's for you international space station."
I feel like my heart's been ripped out…
and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I think the person who first discovered…
the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life?
*shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Life is short.
Hug your children. Hug your neighbor's children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.
When I said I was going to start eating better..
after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
A widow was telling her grown-up daughter about
a date she had been on with an eighty-eight-year-old man. "I had to slap his face three times in the course of the evening !"
The daughter was horrified. "Imagine him getting fresh with you at his age !"
"No, it wasn't that," explained the mother." I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake."
