Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

from my email....

>> >I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
>> >poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
>> >with every envelope that needs sealing.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
>> >the same reason.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
>> >girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
>> >once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
>> >sending me for participating in their special e-m ail program.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
>> >angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my
>> >every wish.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
>> >horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
>> >smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Thanks to email, I have learned that my prayers only get
>> >answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a
>> >wish within five minutes.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Because of email I no longer drink Coca Cola because it
>> >can remove toilet stains.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
>> >a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
>> >back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who
>> >make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
>> >their cans.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
>> >causes cancer.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
>> >in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
>> >face...disfiguring me for life.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
>> >could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
>> >me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
>> >are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
>> >support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
>> >to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to
>> >Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once
>> >I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
>> >I now have their recipe.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Thanks to email, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
>> >because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
>> >cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Thanks also for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has
>> >given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to
>> >fix everything.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >And thanks to great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
>> >dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
>> >a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer
>> >drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
>> >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>> >If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people
>> >in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on
>> >your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
>> >will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
>> >this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
>> >door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
>> >beautician...