Any Good Jokes?

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The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternative meanings for various words. The following are some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude(n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you..

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish statements.

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational ALSO asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk! and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

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Things Only a True Southerner Knows:

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

How long "directly" is -- As in "Going to town, be back directly."

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker."

The best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of cold tater salad.

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."
The differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.