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A Blonde, a Redhead and a Brunette go into a bar. The
bartender tells them there is a magic mirror in the ladies room, "if you say
one true thing you will receive the desire of your heart, but if
you tell a lie you will be sucked into the mirror forever."
The Redhead walks in and says "I think I am the most intelligent woman
here" and *poof* a million dollars falls in her hands.
The Brunette walks in and says "I think I am the most beautiful woman
here" and *poof* the keys to a Mustang falls into her hands.
Next the Blonde walks in and says "I think..." and *poof* she disappears into the
mirror forever.
Medical News
Researchers, through the American Medical Association, have made an announcement of a truly remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Dr Moller was on Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell over the weekend. Interesting interview. A replay is on the website of Coast to Coast AM.
http://www.coasttocoastam.com/shows/2003/10/25.html
By the looks of the spike in the stock price, it created a little interest. The M400 supposedly will be gracing the cover of a national magazine for December. Perhaps another price spike?
Naturally, I wasn't in the stock for the 55% jump in price today.
I never checked the authenticity of the job ap...just cut and pasted from http://www.funclown.com/jobapp.htm. It reminded me of the way I fill out some forms on the internet when I don't care to be inundated with sales calls.
Phone: YES or 555.1212
Email: nospam@myinbox.com
Speaking of sales calls:
http://thebesthumor.com/jokes/work/telegonebad.php
Telephone Solicitation Gone Bad
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
A T & T: Hello, this is A T & T ...
ME: Is this A T & T?
A T & T: Yes, this is A T & T ...
ME: This is A T & T?
A T & T: Yes, this is A T & T ...
ME: Is this A T & T?
A T & T: Yes! This is A T & T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
A T & T: This is A T & T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
A T & T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, please?
A T & T: Yes, this is A T & T ...
ME: This is A T & T?
A T & T: Yes, this is A T & T ...
ME: The phone company?
A T & T: Yes, sir.
ME: I thought you said this was A T & T.
A T & T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
A T & T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
A T & T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
A T & T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
A T & T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! ! That's amazing!
A T & T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
A T & T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
A T & T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
A T & T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
A T & T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
A T & T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
A T & T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
A T & T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
A T & T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family" thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
A T & T: click........
Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Have Ya Ever Wondered?
=====================
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's
butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it
doesn't work anymore?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the
shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
And who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my.
Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
(borrowed from the 22 Oct http://www.mountainwings.com/)
Kid's Voices
===========
Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning.
As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children
in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children and explained that it was
O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was
expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to
wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks
waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted,
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area
looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of
the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom
was.
>---------------------------------------------------------------
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about
her then 4-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on
the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
>---------------------------------------------------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not."
>---------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're
too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>---------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~Authors Unknown~
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ )
Nova Executes Agreement to Close Merger with PowerSki International
Wednesday October 8, 5:05 am ET
TORRANCE, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Oct. 8, 2003--Nova Communications Ltd. (OTCBB:NCVM - News) announced that it has executed a binding Memorandum of Understanding to merge with PowerSki International, the designer and manufacturer of the patented PowerSki Jetboard.
Per the terms of the Memorandum of Understanding, Nova and PowerSki shall enter into an agreement and Plan of Merger pursuant to which PowerSki will be merged into Nova, with Nova being the surviving corporation. Upon completion of the merger, Nova will change its name to PowerSki International Corp. Prior to execution of the merger, Nova shall provide to PowerSki working capital funding up to an aggregate amount of $2,000,000, which will be used to grow the Company and move into high-volume manufacturing of the PowerSki Jetboard.
Nova Communications CEO Ken Owen stated, "After months of planning and aligning our companies' visions, we are now in a position to begin closing the merger with PowerSki International. Our team has done a great job of rebuilding underlying value for Nova shareholders, and we are excited about bringing the PowerSki merger to fruition."
"The combined entity will design, manufacture, and sell the world's most innovative watercraft -- the PowerSki Jetboard. The Jetboard is the most exciting product I have ever seen, and it presents a tremendous growth opportunity to Nova and its shareholders," Owen continued.
In conjunction with executing the Memorandum of Understanding, management of both companies have completed due diligence reviews and have determined final terms of the deal. Subsequent to approval by the PowerSki board of directors and shareholders, execution of acquisition agreements, and meeting all terms of the deal, the merger will be consummated.
To learn more about the world's most innovative watercraft and to view behind-the-scenes footage of the Jetboard in action for Fox Sports' "54321" sports program, please visit http://www.ncvm.net or http://www.powerski.com/home.html.
Cautionary Statement for the Purpose of the Safe Harbor Provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995:
Forward-looking statements in this news release are made under the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Certain important factors could cause results to differ materially from those anticipated by the forward-looking statements, including the impact of changed economic or business conditions, the impact of competition, the success of existing and new product releases, the management of our growth, other risk factors inherent in the telecommunications industry, and other factors discussed from time to time in reports filed by the company with the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Nova Communications has and continues to institute changes to its strategies, operations and processes to address these risk factors and to mitigate their impact on Nova Communications' results of operations and financial condition. However, no assurances can be given that Nova Communications will be successful in these efforts.
Contact:
Company Reporter, Inc.
Mike Long, 281/870-0225
mike@companyreporter.com
Redneck vasectomy:
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia
Fly Control
Cowboy Joe
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.
'When I got there, they had me park my ol' truck in the corral,' Joe began.
'You mean the parking lot,' interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
'I walked up the trail to the gate,' Joe continued.
'The sidewalk to the door,' Charlie corrected him.
'Inside the door, I was met by this dude,' Joe said.
'you mean the usher,' Charlie explained.
'Well, the usher led me down the chute,' Joe continued.
'You mean the aisle,' Charlie said.
'Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,' Joe continued.
'Pew,' retorted Charlie.
'Yeah,' recalled Joe. 'That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her!'.
(borrowed from "Excel's Coffee Shop (ECS)" http://www.investorshub.com/boards/board.asp?board_id=959 )
HOW YODELING BEGAN
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it
originated in Switzerland, but here's the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"
"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he
could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed
she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched
a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her
blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as
he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave
without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO".
Man / Woman controls
SAT Answers
============
The following questions and answers were collected from SAT's
(Scholastic Aptitude Test) given to 16-year-old students in
Springdale, Arkansas in 2000!
Q - Name the four seasons.
A - Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Q - Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe
to drink.
A - Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q - How is dew formed?
A - The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q - What is a planet?
A - A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q - What causes the tides in the oceans?
A - The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget
where the sun joins in this fight.
Q - In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A - Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election.
Q - What happens to your body as you age?
A - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental.
Q - Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A - Premature death.
Q - How can you delay milk turning sour?
A - Keep it in the cow.
Q - How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A - The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the
brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q - What is the Fibula?
A - A small lie.
Q - What does "varicose" mean?
A - Nearby.
Q - What is the most common form of birth control?
A - Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q - Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean Section."
A - The cesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q - What is a seizure?
A - A Roman emperor.
Q - What is a terminal illness?
A - When you are sick at the airport.
Q - What does the word "benign" mean?
A - Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life. The World’s Largest Inspirational E-Mail.)
This is a hoax.
Claim: Atheist Madalyn Murray O'Hair is trying to get religious broadcasting banned from American airwaves.
Status: False.
http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/petition/fcc.htm
Touched By A Hoax
(And A 7th Season!)
http://www.touched.com/tbaanews/tbaahoax.html
Good source to authenticate "Urban Legends" is:
http://www.snopes.com/
Women Should Not Have Children After 35!
===================================
This is one of those controversial statements
But I fully stand behind it.
Women should not have children after 35!
I strongly believe that I can back up this statement with sound
psychological, medical, and financial data.
Some say, "Of course women can have children after 35!"
They don't know what they are talking about and I can guarantee
they have had very little experience in the matter.
I don't care what the doctor says.
I don't care what your friends say.
I don't even care what your pastor says.
Women should not have children after 35!
I don't advise it, I vehemently recommend against it, and loudly
and even at times rudely tell people "don't even consider it."
You can quote me on this. If you want to say that
the writer of MountainWings.com said it, then so be it.
I said it.
And I said it more than once.
"Women should not have children after 35!"
Some will send rude e-mails proclaiming the freedom of the womb
but I still stand by what I said.
You may disagree with me, that's your right.
I still stand firm on the issue.
With most things I keep an open mind but not on this issue.
If I find an exception to this rule,
then I will be open to change but for now,
it's firmly closed because I have never seen an exception.
Women should not have children after 35!
35 children are enough!
This was a lesson in jumping to conclusions.
Learn to get the facts first.
(borrowed from http://www.mountainwings.com/ Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life. The World’s Largest Inspirational E-Mail. Free.)
Afterlife:
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary . . ..."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have
lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Wyoming.
TREAT YOUR SPOUSE WITH CONSIDERATION
By BOB
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my
consulting job and took "early retirement", it became necessary for Nancy to
get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for health benefits that
we need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met
twenty-eight years ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local
transcription house.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or
hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how
hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or
so before she starts supper.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand she is not as young as
she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper
on the table.
She used to wash the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do
what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't
cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help
her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used
to be able to go up and down stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she
is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says
that she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
issue if this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am
willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday
lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or Tuesday's or
Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until
the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do
some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or
dusting. If I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and
scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult
for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In
spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer her encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days, that way she
won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than
she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a
break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook moments
like these because I realize it's just age talking.
In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I even offer to have one with
her, as she may as well make one for me too, and take her break by the
hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know I
probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis I'm
not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.
No one knows better than I how frustrating women can become as they get
older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest you make the effort.
Achieving the exemplary level of consideration I have attained is out of
reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Bob
Editor's note: Bob's funeral was on Saturday.
PS: Nancy was acquitted on Monday
Senior Funnies
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning
enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper
as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember
them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of
the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said...
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're
still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
********************
Two good things from having Alzheimer's disease:
1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You meet someone new every day.
********************
The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with
a serious complaint. "Doc, you've got to do something
to lower my sex drive."
"Come on now, Mr. Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head."
"That's what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."
********************
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their
bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You
know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know!
I heard it snoring!"
********************
What's the best thing about turning 65?
No more calls from insurance salesmen.
********************
"What's wrong, sonny?" asked the old timer sympathetically,
coming over to the little kid who was sitting on the curb,
crying his heart out. "I'm crying 'cause I can't do what the
big boys do!" So the old man sat down and wept too.
********************
Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 80.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered,
"Why should I be upset?
Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."
********************
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
What Texans Mean When They Say:
1. AS WELCOME AS A SKUNK AT A LAWN PARTY.
Self-explanatory
2. TIGHTER THAN BARK ON A TREE.
Not very generous
3. BIG HAT, NO CATTLE.
All talk and no action
4. WE'VE HOWDIED BUT WE AIN'T SHOOK YET.
We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
5. HE THINKS THE SUN CAME UP JUST TO HEAR HIM CROW.
He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
6. IT'S SO DRY THE TREES ARE BRIBIN' THE DOGS.
We really could use a little rain around here.
7. JUST BECAUSE A CHICKEN HAS WINGS DOESN'T MEAN IT CAN FLY.
Appearances can be deceiving.
8. THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO.
I've been around awhile.
9. HE LOOKS LIKE THE DOG'S BEEN KEEPIN' HIM UNDER THE PORCH.
Not the most handsome of men.
10. THEY ATE SUPPER BEFORE THEY SAID GRACE.
Living in sin.
11. TIME TO PAINT YOUR ASS WHITE AND RUN WITH THE ANTELOPE.
Stop arguing and do as you're told.
12. AS FULL OF WIND AS A CORN-EATING HORSE.
Rather prone to boasting.
13. YOU CAN PUT YOUR BOOTS IN THE OVEN BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM BISCUITS.
You can say whatever you want about something, but doesn't change what it is.
14. WE'RE SHITTEN IN TALL COTTON BOY.
Things are going well
Nova Names Milestone Management to Fill $2 Million Private Placement
Thursday September 4, 5:00 am ET
TORRANCE, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Sept. 4, 2003--Nova Communications Ltd. (OTCBB:NCVM - News) announced today that it has named Milestone Management as the investment banker to fill the remainder of its $2,000,000 private placement. The private placement was opened to fund the proposed merger with PowerSki International, the designer and manufacturer of the patented PowerSki Jetboard.
Milestone Management and its partners have obtained millions of dollars in growth financing for numerous enterprises over the last 10 years, having helped its clients achieve their goals and fulfill their business plans.
Sean Dills, CEO of Milestone Management stated, "Nova's proposed merger is the most exciting opportunity we have come across, and in it we see more growth potential than any other client we have represented. The PowerSki Jetboard is the most innovative product we have ever worked with, and we are glad to be representing the business deal."
After arranging a preliminary round of bridge financing for PowerSki to begin the manufacturing process, Nova has received its first allotment of financing towards the $2,000,000 private placement. The proceeds of the private placement are designed to fund the completion of the proposed merger and propel PowerSki into high-volume manufacturing. Once this phase is complete, the goal is to raise an additional $10,000,000 to further facilitate mass production and strengthen the Company's position in the marketplace.
Nova Communications recently announced that it has entered into a Letter of Intent to merge with PowerSki International, the designer and manufacturer of the patented PowerSki Jetboard, the World's most innovative watercraft.
To learn more about the World's most innovative watercraft and to view behind the scenes footage of the Jetboard in action for Fox Sports' 54321 sports program, please visit http://www.ncvm.net or http://www.powerski.com/home.html.
Cautionary Statement for the Purpose of the Safe Harbor Provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995: Forward-looking statements in this news release are made under the safe harbor provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Certain important factors could cause results to differ materially from those anticipated by the forward-looking statements, including the impact of changed economic or business conditions, the impact of competition, the success of existing and new product releases, the management of our growth, other risk factors inherent in the telecommunications industry, and other factors discussed from time to time in reports filed by the company with the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Nova Communications has and continues to institute changes to its strategies, operations and processes to address these risk factors and to mitigate their impact on Nova Communication's results of operations and financial condition. However, no assurances can be given that Nova Communications will be successful in these efforts.
Contact:
Company Reporter, Inc.
Mike Long, 281-870-0225
mike@companyreporter.com
Source: Nova Communications Ltd.
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/030904/45114_2.html
e-cards for any occasion:
http://www.virtualinsults.com/
Phil,
You are correct. That one slipped by me. Perhaps the Texan that
emailed it to me is on the wagon now?
And sometimes when the distance is measured in beers, one has to
adjust their speed.
You know you're from Minnesota, South Dakota, North Dakota (pick one) when.....
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. "Vacation" means going to Brainerd for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
6. You use a down comforter in the summer.
7. Your grandparents drive 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both doors unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as venison, walleye, and Leinenkugels.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the grocery store at any given time.
13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snow suit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel p.j.'s.
16.You know all four seasons; almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
17. It takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop to talk to everyone in town.
18. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends
TTGH Announces Successful Consolidation of West Coast Manufacturing Operations
Tuesday August 26, 4:07 pm ET
State-of-the-Art Tech Center Anticipated to Generate Material Savings; Benefits May Exceed $1 Million Annually
FREMONT, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Aug. 26, 2003-- Ventures-National Incorporated, dba Titan General Holdings, Inc. (OTC BB: TTGH), an innovative fabrication services company committed to setting the next generation standard in high margin, time sensitive PCB manufacturing, announced today the successful execution of the consolidation of its West Coast manufacturing operations. The Company noted that consolidation, which merged Titan's Santa Clara, California operation into its Fremont, California tech center, has created a state-of-the-art facility which will unleash significant synergies including a substantial increase in margin -- as well as improved productivity and efficiency, resulting in a highly competitive world-class high technology company.
"Under the stewardship of our chairman and CEO, Bob Ciri, the consolidation was executed ahead of schedule and below budget," stated Andrew Glashow, president of Titan. "The estimated cost of the consolidation was less than $350,000 and is generating significant benefits from day one. Based on Titan's internally prepared estimates, the consolidation is anticipated to generate up to $1 million or more annually in positive benefits through, among other things, the elimination and consolidation of an operating facility, termination of duplicative staff, and operational efficiencies related to the location of the complete manufacturing process in one facility. In addition, Mr. Ciri, with the support of the operational consolidation team lead by General Manager Curtis Okumura, was able to successfully complete the move and consolidation in a 45-day time frame -- without missing a single day of manufacturing or any delays in customer delivery resulting from the move. Numerous industry 'experts' previously estimated a six-month timeframe and $1 million+ budget with a temporary shutdown of manufacturing."
Curtis Okumura, the Titan PCB West Inc. General Manager said, "Consolidation of the manufacturing operations into our state-of-the-art Fremont tech center creates operational synergies that will allow us to improve the value and service to our customers."
Robert Ciri, the TTGH CEO noted, "The importance of the consolidation cannot be overemphasized. Our West Coast Tech Center is now a state-of-the-art facility. This well-orchestrated event is a clear demonstration of the dedication of the Titan employees and their ability to deliver a quality solution." Mr. Ciri went on to say, "We are developing a world class team on both coasts to fully exploit what we believe to be enormous opportunities in the high margin prototype, time-sensitive PCB business. Titan is committed to significant growth, both organically and through select acquisitions. The combination of our management team, technology and process are positioned to deliver on that commitment."
Conference call
Robert Ciri, chairman, and Andrew Glashow, president, will discuss the consolidation as well as other aspects of the Company's operations during a conference call and webcast scheduled for Wednesday, August 27th at 12 pm Eastern and will be available to answer questions. Participants may ask questions during the Q&A segment of the call. Investors may access the call by dialing 800.289.0496 or from an international location by calling 913.981.5519. Participants should identify the call as "Titan's Conference Call."
A replay will be available on August 27th at 3:00 pm Eastern through September 3rd at 11:00 pm Eastern. The replay telephone numbers: 719.457.0820 and 888.203.1112 with the replay passcode: 739070.
About Titan General Holdings, Inc.
TTGH is an innovative fabrication services company producing time sensitive, technologically complex prototype, and high margin printed circuit boards. The Company was established through the acquisition of SVPC Partners, LLC in August of 2002 and Eastern Manufacturing Corporation in February of 2003. The management and board of directors of TTGH are focused on significant growth and shareholder value. TTGH operates two tech centers, one in Amesbury, Massachusetts and the other in Fremont, California, which is the Company's corporate headquarters. TTGH is committed to Enhanced Execution of PCB solutions to Exceed customer and shareholder value Expectations. For additional information on the Company, please contact Bernadette Cusack, Trilogy Capital Partners, bernadette@trilogy-capital.com. Investors who are interested in learning more about TTGH are encouraged to visit the company's website at www.titanpcb.com. The company's site contains current information on the company, its operations, management and board of directors.
Cautionary Statement Regarding Forward-Looking Statements
Statements made in this news release, other than those concerning historical information, should be considered forward-looking and subject to various risks and uncertainties. Such forward- looking statements are made based on management's belief as well as assumptions made by, and information currently available to, management pursuant to the "safe harbor" provisions of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Titan General Holdings, Inc.'s actual results may differ materially from the results anticipated in these forward-looking statements as a result of a variety of factors, including those identified in Titan's annual report on Form 10-KSB for the fiscal year ended August 31, 2002 and its quarterly reports on Form 10-QSB filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission.
Contact:
Trilogy Capital Partners
Bernadette Cusack, 800-330-6540
bernadette@trilogy-capital.com
Source: Titan General Holdings, Inc.
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/030826/265940_1.html
"OTC Journal" has published a profile/opinion of this company as well.
http://www.otcjournal.com/archive/listserv/20030826-1.html
The difference between Men and Women
Gender Differences- Little Johnny
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his
teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some
difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,"
and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk
with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs
to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I
want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse
and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any
more!"
What were you thinking?
Navajo Wisdom
A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitch-hiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
1.
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4.
5.
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8.
9.
10.
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered
to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a
flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and
a graphing calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious
Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction.
Traffic Stop / Blonde
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, "Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, "You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Vegetable Garden
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient. I have concluded that your act displays soundness of mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd...
"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his m! iniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says.......
"You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said theshepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."
WallStreetCity link.
This link may work showing the volume spike.
http://host.wallstreetcity.com/wsc2/Chart.html?Symbol=lfza&Button=Get+Report
TRUISMS
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when
you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not
have had a very exciting youth
How come it takes so little time for a child
who is afraid of the dark to become a
teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because
they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel
younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent
job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy
who wants to buy a car
There are no new sins....the old ones just
get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call
for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a
right number.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when
their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for
president and 50 for Miss America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness
will make him wag his tail.
One of the quickest ways for a young man to
fail in life is to work so hard the boss will
think he's after his job
If you don't have a sense of humor, you
probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as
wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to
get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and
realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is
a nap
Ole and Lena
Lena folded and put away Ole's underwear.
Ole took out a pair the next morning and noticed there was powder all over the crotch area. He started to shake the powder out and said, "Darn it, Lena, I vish you vouldn't put so much talcum powder in my undervear."
Lena replied, "Dat's not talcum powder, Ole. Dat's Miracle Gro!"
Happy Mother's Day
This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick
toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners
and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."
Who walk around the house all night with their babies when
they keep crying and won't stop.
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their
hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse. For
all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween
costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And
the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes. This is for all
the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at football or
soccer games Friday night instead of watching from cars, so that when
their kids asked, "Did you see me?" they could say, "Of course, I
wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it. This is for all
the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in
despair when they stomp their feet like a tired 2-year old who wants ice
cream before dinner.
This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and
explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted
to but just couldn't.
For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a
year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their
shoelaces before they started school.
And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their
daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little
voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own off-
spring are at home.
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach
aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to
get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please
pick them up. Right away.
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the
words to reach them.
For all the mothers who bite their lips, sometimes until they bleed,
when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience?
Compassion?
Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt,
all at the same time?
Or is it heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear
down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The
jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to
put your hand on the back of sleeping baby?
The need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear
news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
For all the mothers of the victims of all these school shootings, and
the mothers of those who did the shooting.
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of
their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from
school, safely.
This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their
children's graves.
This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep
deprivation. and mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers
without.
This is for you all.
So hang in there.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!
Smart Kid
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."