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There is a huge difference between contributions recieved from a "for profit company" and a "non-profit group of private citizens".
I know that the idiots that want to steal our guns will grasp for any straw, but to put the NRA in the same light as the thieves that were running Enron is simply ludicrous.
Just shows how far they are willing to go to further their most stupid of stupid agendas.
Guns don't kill people you idiots, people kill people. Guns are only one of the tools people use. You cannot outlaw all of the tools people use. Guns save thousands of lives per year also. They probably save more lives per year than are lost because of them. (besides the lives lost in war)
Have fun,
Phil
Large One,
Who’s Next?!?!
I know what you are thinking,
If they are targeting the aliens, are we next?
I am sitting here thinking,
Why are aliens allowed to carry guns in the first place?
They are not covered by the Bill of Rights and The Right to Bear Arms because they are aliens.
Could you clarify your position on this issue?
TIA,
Have fun,
Phil
Welcome PW,
I see you have been a member for a while, but not many posts.
Don't make a stranger of yourself.
I have always loved your stories.
Why don't you start a daily story thread. I'll bookmark it and try to post daily.
Have fun,
Phil
The Original dpb5!,
That was beautiful.
How much time did it take to assemble that site?
Where would one go to learn how to do it?
TIA for answering,
Phil
Matt,
Looking forward to the introduction of Lindows:
http://www.lindows.com
Edit Copy and paste it
Have fun,
Phil
Carolyn,
I have lost more than a few tears while reading that. I hoped all would enjoy.
Have fun,
Phil
YOUR HUT IS BURNING
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed
forth-coming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.
"God, how could you do this to me!" he cried. Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you
know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "
We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged whe things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering.
Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground-it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.
For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "It's impossible."
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I'm too tired."
God says: I will give you rest ( Matt11:28-20).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "Nobody really loves me."
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I can't go on."
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Cor.12:9 & Psalm 91:15).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I can't do it."
God says: You can do all things (Phil 4:13).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I'm not able."
God says: I am able (II Cor.9:8).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "It's not worth it."
God says: It will be worth it (Romans 8:28).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I can't forgive myself."
God says: I forgive you (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I can't manage.
God says: I will supply all your needs (Phil 4:19).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I'm afraid."
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated."
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I don't have enough faith."
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3).
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I'm not smart enough."
God says: I give you wisdom (I Cor 1:30)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
You say: "I feel all alone."
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Heb. 13:5).
Phil
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and
said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed"
Have fun,
Phil
Subject: The Wisdom of Youth
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly......
but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said,
"Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar
Have fun,
Phil
Subject: Osama and the Genie
Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin' me nuthin'" barked Bin Laden.
The genie pleaded "But master, I must grant you wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he said "okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!"
Giving the genie an evil glare, he screamed "Now leave me alone
bitch!"
The annoyed genie said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the
bottle.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his leg was broke and he had no health insurance.
Have fun,
Phil
A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.
They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to
Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Viet Nam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another
soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.
The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this." The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.
"Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift." The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.
The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel.
"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?" There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted, "Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?" Another voice shouted angrily, "We didn't come to
see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued, "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?" Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son.
"I'll give $10 for the painting."
Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?" the auctioneer continued.
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" asked the auctioneer.
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once,
twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel, "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will.I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would
inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"
God gave his Son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, "The Son, the Son , who'll take the Son?" Because you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
Have fun,
Phil
In Phoenix AZ. a 26-year-old mother stared down at her son who was dying of leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams.
Now that was no longer possible. The leukemia would see to that.
But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true. She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"
"Mommy, I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."
Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."
Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix,
Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six-year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him with a real fire hat - not a toy one - with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his
fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car. He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and
attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital. Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the
hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window. Sixteen firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him. With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
"Chief, am I really a fireman now?"
"Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said.
With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know. He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing." He closed his eyes one last time.
With tears in eyes,
Phil
Edit: And they say Bullriders are tough.
This is so cute!
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he
noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with
a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant,
Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you
get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him from the church." "And why did
you take Him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I
prayed to the little Lord Jesus, and I told Him if He would bring me a
red wagon Christmas, I would give Him a ride around the block
in it."
Have fun,
Phil
From an article in a local NYC Paper:
Even in tragedy, there can be some humor. No wonder the missing persons count kept changing. This guy probably ended up on the "dead" list.
Seems this suburban guy left for work on Sept. 11 at about 6:00AM to go to his office in the WTC. When he got to Manhattan he went to his lover's apartment in the Village, turned his cell phone off, and climbed into bed with her. At about 10:00AM, while still lying next to her, he turned his cell phone on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his
wife who screamed at him, "Where are you? I've been trying to call you for an hour. I've been worried sick about you!!!"
So he answered, "Where do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"
Uh oh.
Have fun,
Phil
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM VIRGINIA IF......
1. You've eaten at all of the following restaurants: Waffle House, Dairy Queen and Krispy Kreme.
2. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
3. Your school classes have been cancelled because of "the cold."
4. Your school classes have been cancelled because of "the heat."
5. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
6. You measure distance in minutes. (Is there any other way)?
Edit: Maybe by beer, IE: It's a two beer trip. LOL
7. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
8."Vacation" means going to the beach or to the mountains.
9. You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after they were
popular.
10. You know several people who have hit a deer.
11. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" or vice versa in the same day.
13. You've seen people wear bib overalls to a funeral.
14. You've seen a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
15. You've used "fix" as an auxiliary verb. Example: "I am fixing to go to the store."
16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
17. You think of the four major food groups as BBQ, sweet tea,
biscuits, and Jell-O with marshmallows.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car.
19. You know what "cow tipping" is.
20. You think that a Coke is a "Coke," not a "soda," and for goodnes sake, never "pop."
21. You find 90 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
22. You know four seasons: "Almost Summer," "Summer," "Still Summer," and "Christmas."
23. You know which part of the state other Virginians are from as soon as they open their mouth.
Have fun,
Phil
CAVA,
Is the problem here firearms?
Or ill trained, affirmative action, lady cops?
I would hesitate to point a finger because you believe both happened to be ladies.
Why?
You must have not read closely enough:
The incident came five days after an off-duty school district police officer who was working as a part-time school-bus driver came under investigation when students from Imani and another charter school told their parents he threatened them with a gun.
I would agree with your statement if you had stated it thusly:
Is the problem here firearms?
Or ill trained, affirmative action cops?
Have fun,
Phil
Matt,
Isn't it funny how Osama the Coward said we would not be brave enough to go to Afghanistan, but now that we are there, he is no where to be found.
What a chicken shit, lilly liverd coward.
Have fun,
Phil
And I bet his Daddy is too much of a sissy to wear combat boots.
His MOMA has to wear them for the whole family.
GP,
Anytime you put a liberal idiot in a position of power the populace is surely to lose.
Unless you consider the "populace" to be the handicapped and the homeless.
I work with a person that has eaten himself into obesity. He is so fat that he cannot do his job. He wants to go on disability because of obesity. This is ludicrous. He says he has a disease. I say he has a weakness and a lack of intelligence.
The other day he was complaining becuase of Bush's tax refund.
I asked him where he thought the money came from.
He said, "From the government".
I asked him, "Where do you you think the government got it?"
With a deer in the headlight look, I got no answer.
I said, "The government only gave back money that they took from you. Money does not grow on trees. For the government to have any money, they have to take it from you. If they give it back, it is not a present, it is a return of your own money with no interest."
Since he wants to go on disability because he is fat, he won't agree with me.
That's a liberal for you.
Money or liberty.
Liberals are leaches.
Have fun,
Phil
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." He said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says,"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked" and Suzuki said,
"The Taliban! 2001"
Have fun,
Phil
Edit: Honest grub.
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know", the old man said, "We were probably
sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well", Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey", the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
Have fun,
Phil
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies:
"I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says: "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'.
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
Have fun,
Phil
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.
Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show
Have fun,
Phil
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.
Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show
Have fun,
Phil
Just what every man wants--a thinking woman!
The little old lady.......
One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up
supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware
store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then,
he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a
problem, how to carry all of his purchases home.
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the
anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand,
put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.
While walking he met a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how
to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live
at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short
cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no
time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know
that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up
against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy Moses, lady! I am carrying a
bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in
the world could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with
the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and
I'll hold the chickens
Have fun,
Phil
Subject: FW: new taliban cities named
Now that our b52's are reorganizing the afghanistan's landscape,
U.S. intelligence has discovered that the taliban have renamed some of their towns to confuse us.
The new names include:
1)wherz-myroof
2)mykamel-izded
3)oshit-disisbad
4)waddi-ehzgowinon
5)pleez-ztopdishit
6)kizz-yerass-goodbi
7)ikanstan-disnomore
8)wha-tafuk-wazi-tinkin
9)myturburn-izburnin
10imma-dedshmuck.
Have fun,
Phil
Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend.
The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.
The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.
"Is is beef?" The daughter Katie asked.
"Nope."
"Is it pork?" the son Willie asked.
"Nope."
"Heck, we don't know, Dad!" Willie exclaimed.
"I'll give you a clue," the Dad said, "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."
"Spit it out, Willie!" cried Katie, "We're eating Asshole!!"
Have fun,
Phil
Plastic Surgery -- What a Blessing
A lady in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two
problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions, and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes, and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Have fun,
Phil
Plastic Surgery -- What a Blessing
A lady in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.
Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two
problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions, and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes, and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Have fun,
Phil
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...PHILOSOPHY:
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...MATH:
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3'? I said, "6 replies Johnny.
But that's right!"
Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
That's what I said!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...ENGLISH:
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR:
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he wanted to use the bathroom "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is
'urinate.' Please use the word urinate in the sentence and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Susie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Susie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful... just fucking beautiful!'
Have fun,
Phil
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Have fun,
Phil
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Have fun,
Phil
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the
signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,but they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was asked if I wanted the food to go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat it here? I said, can I eat it on the roof? duh
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."
Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To
which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
Have fun,
Phil
What do you get if you play a country song backwards?
You get your wife back,
Your house back,
Your pickup back,
And your dog back.
Why do they even sing those songs so they lose all those things?
Have fun,
Phil
Mansfield, MA -- January 14, 2002 -- RAVISENT Technologies Inc. (NASDAQ: RVST) and its subsidiary, eMation, Inc., announced that they have changed their names to become Axeda Systems Inc. The move comes on the heels of the completion of the acquisition of eMation by RAVISENT last month. Axeda is a leading provider of Device Relationship Management (DRM) software and services that allow companies such as Beckman Coulter, Air Liquide and Varian Medical Systems to optimize their businesses by using the Internet to tap the value of real-time device information. The company also announced that effective February 5, 2002 it will change its stock symbol to XEDA on the NASDAQ exchange.
The new Axeda name, pronounced aks-ee-da, reinforces the company's mission and communicates energy, motion and action and suggests the concepts of access, speed and exceeding expectations. The imagery of the logo and associated design elements further support these concepts with the representation of speed over distance, tapping-into, and the unlocking of valuable, yet hidden information.
"The launch of Axeda is a key milestone, symbolic of the unification and focus of our company in helping enterprises utilize device information to optimize their service, development, sales and manufacturing operations," said Robert M. Russell Jr., Axeda chairman and CEO. "DRM is already providing significant ROI across a wide range of industries including medical instruments, industrial machines, and office equipment. We are aligning our business to realize the benefits of this growing market."
A January, 2002 study conducted by Harbor Research, Inc. reports that the number of non-PC/non-phone intelligent devices to be networked for remote monitoring and e-services is expected to exceed over 500 million devices in 2010. Connected intelligent devices will represent an annual $40B opportunity in 2006 for the companies involved in the networking, monitoring, and servicing of those devices. "Axeda is well positioned to take advantage of the rapid growth for making intelligent devices available and accessible via Intranets and Extranets," said John C. Williams, Manager of Research, Harbor Research, Inc.
"Device OEMs and service providers are actively pursuing device-enablement opportunities, and we expect that they will look to commercial vendors who have created device management solutions. The Axeda DRM offering will be a helpful solution to companies who want to have Internet access to devices that exist behind corporate firewalls."
With the Axeda Device Relationship Management System, organizations can monitor, manage, and service intelligent devices deployed at remote sites anywhere in the world - cost effectively, and in real time. The Axeda DRM System enables the communication and management of device data from customer to service organization, from factory floor to executive suite, across the enterprise and throughout the device lifecycle. Companies are rapidly gaining a competitive advantage by harnessing this new technology to improve their operating efficiency and profitability while simultaneously increasing customer satisfaction and retention.
In separate releases the company also announced today:
A new version of its Axeda DRM system that provides scalable, high availability data management, and advanced device and user administration for deployment with large populations of mission critical devices. The new version, release 2.5, also provides integration with Siebel 2000 Field Service and offers new tools for the development of custom DRM applications.
An enhancement to its popular Wizcon™ Supervisory Control and Data Acquisition (SCADA) product, part of the newly-named Axeda Supervisor™ suite, offers intelligent, Firewall-Friendly™, Internet communications technology to provide sophisticated device monitoring and control within the Axeda Device Relationship Management (DRM) System. Now any of the thousands of makers and users of machine tools, industrial automation devices and real-time information systems that currently employ Wizcon can easily extend their solution to use the full Axeda DRM System to optimize their businesses.
Axeda products have been helping enterprises transform device information into business insight since 1988. The company has deployed its mission critical software at thousands of customer sites worldwide where some of the world's most highly regarded businesses depend on its solutions every day.
About Axeda
Axeda Systems Inc. is an enterprise software and services company that helps businesses become more competitive by using the Internet to tap the value of real-time information to optimize their service, development, sales and manufacturing operations. The company's flagship Axeda Device Relationship Management System is a distributed software solution that lets businesses monitor, manage and service intelligent devices deployed at remote sites. Axeda serves Global 2000 companies in multiple markets including Industrial and Building Automation, Technology, Medical Instrumentation, Office and Semiconductor Equipment industries through sales and service offices in the US, Europe, Israel and Japan, and distribution partners worldwide. More information about Axeda is available at www.axeda.com.
About Device Relationship Management
The intelligent devices that we see and interact with everyday such as copiers, elevators, vending machines, building control units, medical devices, and even automobiles represent an important new source of business information. To date most enterprises have not been able to tap this information. Device Relationship Management addresses this significant information blind spot by providing a distributed information management system that leverages the Internet to allow timely, accurate, and unbiased information to be communicated automatically between devices deployed at customer facilities and external service personnel or enterprise business systems. Device Relationship Management helps turn reactive businesses into proactive businesses providing new sources of revenue and increased operational efficiency at lower costs.
© 2002 Axeda Systems. All rights reserved.
Axeda, Axeda Systems, Axeda DRM, Axeda Supervisor, Wizcon, and Firewall-Friendly are trademarks of Axeda Systems Inc. All other trademarks are property of their respective owners.
This press release may contain certain forward-looking statements that relate to Axeda's future business and financial performance. Such statements are subject to a number of risks and uncertainties that may cause the actual events of future results to differ from those discussed herein. Such factors include, among others: the potential for growth in the pervasive computing market; uncertainties regarding Axeda's stock repurchase program; Axeda's limited operating history, fluctuating quarterly operating results, expectation of future losses, dependence on current product lines, dependence on a small number of customers, lack of long-term commitments with customers, dependence on manufacturers and strategic relationships, and product delays; uncertainties in the market for DRM products; the long sales cycle for DRM products; limited distribution channels; the difficulty of protecting proprietary rights, the ability to manage growth and attract and retain additional personnel; the potential for defects in products; risks from international operations; Axeda's ability to raise capital in the future; competition; Axeda's ability to manage technological change and respond to evolving industry standards; and government regulation. Investors are advised to read Axeda's (formerly Ravisent Technologies Inc.'s) Annual Report on Form 10-K and quarterly reports on Form 10-Q and Forms 8-K and the company's proxy statement filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, particularly those sections entitled "Factors Affecting Operating Results" and "Risk Factors" for a more complete discussion of these and other risks and uncertainties.
Press Contacts
Lisa-Marie Barker, Axeda
Tel: +1 508-337-9200, ext: 230
E-mail: lbarker@Axeda.com
Idalia Rodriguez, Axeda Investor Relations
Tel: +1 610-407-7345
E-mail: investor_relations@axeda.com
Michael Bourne, Mullen
Tel: +1 978-468-8953
E-mail: michael.bourne@mullen.com
Related links
Request info
Subscribe to Axeda news!
http://www.axeda.com/news/releases/launch.html
Have fun,
Phil
This is the new web page URL:
http://www.axeda.com/
Have fun,
Phil
I should have guessed.
LOL
Have fun,
Phil
Joe,
I live pretty close to 123 Sesame street.
Need me to tell Big Bird hello for you?
Have fun,
Phil
Monkeyman,
whhhhhheeeeeewwwwwww
That meant what to whom?
Have fun,
Phil
Axeda Systems To Begin Trading on February 5, Under New XEDA Symbol
February 04, 2002 1:01:00 PM ET
MANSFIELD, Mass.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--Feb. 4, 2002--Axeda Systems Inc. RVST, recently formed from the union of eMation and RAVISENT Technologies, today announced that it will begin trading under its new stock symbol (XEDA) at the opening of business February 5, 2002 on the NASDAQ exchange. Axeda is a leading provider of Device Relationship Management (DRM) software and services that allow Global 2000 companies to optimize their businesses by using the Internet to tap the value of real-time device information.
About Axeda
Axeda Systems Inc. is an enterprise software and services company that helps businesses become more competitive by using the Internet to tap the value of real-time information to optimize their service, development, sales and manufacturing operations. The company's flagship Axeda Device Relationship Management System is a distributed software solution that lets businesses monitor, manage and service intelligent devices deployed at remote sites. Axeda serves Global 2000 companies in multiple markets including Industrial and Building Automation, Technology, Medical Instrumentation, Office and Semiconductor Equipment industries through sales and service offices in the US, Europe, Israel and Japan, and distribution partners worldwide. More information about Axeda is available at www.axeda.com.
(c) 2002 Axeda Systems. All rights reserved.
Axeda and Axeda Systems are trademarks of Axeda Systems Inc. All other trademarks are property of their respective owners.
Contact Information:
Axeda Systems Inc.
Axeda Media Relations
Lisa-Marie Barker
508-337-9200
lbarker@axeda.com
or
Axeda Systems Inc.
Axeda Investor Relations
Idalia Rodriguez
610-407-7345
investor_relations@axeda.com
© 2002 BusinessWire
http://news.moneycentral.msn.com/ticker/article.asp?Feed=BW&Date=20020204&ID=1394229&Sym...
Have fun,
Phil
Marty,
It's still in the Lounge, under Politics.
Have fun,
Phil
Have fun,
Phil