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Spellcheckers are for people who can't spell without help.
Spellcheckers are for people who can't spell unaided.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost....
and dumb or drunk enough to try it.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my
old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding
anniversary
and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "tomorrow
morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in under 6 seconds,
AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife
woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure
enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the
driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,
and took the box
into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.......
Good Ole Boys
> Two good ole boys in a trailer park were sitting around talking
> one afternoon over a cold beer.
>
> After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak
> over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while
> you was off huntin, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would
> that make us kin?"
>
> The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched
> his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the
question.
>
> Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin,
> but it would make us even."
THEY WALK AMONG US
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
...............They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!
My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk.
...............They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
...............They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!
They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...................................they VOTE!
But it will come close at 11:04:05 PM on June 7, 2008
23:04:05 06:07:08 :)
When I was married, we also spent our first night at the in-laws house. We came downstairs for breakfast with them and Father-in-law asks us in a loud voice, "Well, did you get laid last night?"
Did something similar when I was married. My In-laws had a bad habit of barging in our house unannounced, no knock on the door, not even a pre-visit phone call. My wife (deceased in 1989) and I kept watch for their car to arrive, and then quickly got on the couch in the throes of passionate fellatio for him and his wife to observe. It worked! No more unannounced visits!
You sir, are a liberal putz and should go back to the country you escaped from.
Let's call an INVASION what it is, not some baby talk like ILLIGAL IMMIGRATION! Liberal invasion promoters should be sent back to the invaders homeland. Put the National Guard on the border with real ammunition and "shoot to kill" orders.
BTW, it was 60 above the last 2 days here in Reno, NV. heh heh heh.
When as a 7 yr-old, I was living in the northwoods of Wisconsin (early Jan., 1949, temps got brutal outside... the warmest it got for 3 days was -30 and down to -60 at night with about 3 feet of frozen crusted snow. One road grader went by the farm driving on top of the snow! Ahh, the good old days.
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling
slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image,
walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"
<><><><><><><>
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
<><><><><><><>
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just
full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
<><><><><><><>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house,
and after eating, the wives left the table and went into
the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night
we went out to a new restaurant and it as really great. I would
recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's
red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned
towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name
of that restaurant we went to last night?
<><><><><><><>
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I
found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on
the bed with suitcase at his feet - - who insisted he didn't
need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being
rules,
he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
THIS IS HILARIOUS!
DO NOT SAVE - PASS ON
A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the
cup.. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."
The frog replies,
"Ribbit Kiss! Me."
He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
The origination of this letter is
unknown, but it brings
good luck to everyone who passes
it on. The one who breaks the
chain will have bad luck. Do
not keep this. Do not send money.
Just forward it to five of your
friends to whom you wish good luck.
You will see that something good
happens to you four MINUTES
from now if the chain is not broken.
YOU WILL RECEIVE GOOD LUCK IN
FOUR MINUTES
The Boss Had To Fire Somebody
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water
cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
*
*
*
*
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
Upcoming 2006 Democratic Convention Agenda
6:00 p.m. - Opening flag burning ceremony.
6:05 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev.
Al Sharpton
6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand.
6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France.
7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawarhi defense fund.
7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany.
7:45 p.m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop.
9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples)
9:30.p.m. - * Intermission *
10:00.p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.
10:20.p.m. - Cameo by Party Chairman Howard Dean screaming his
lungs out.
10:30 p.m. - Pro-abortiobn demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.
11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, mixed and
same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D,Mass.), Sponsor .
11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop.
11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.
11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.
12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate.
Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home from the
convention ?
Lots of stuff to read.
5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."
*****************
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
*******************
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."
*************
I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog (?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly
staggered to the door.
********************
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;
"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman . . . Wow! Just look
at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt."
She sighs and add, "This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn'tbreak. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few bigswigs from the bottle, then
handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police . . ."
Well, I guess that may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex
***********************
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,
"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
************************
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your
fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you
saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at
attention?"
The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple
of old duffel bags."
************************
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers,
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower.
************************
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank w as a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.
**************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the
wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they
have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.
She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk,
embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The
woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can
you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I
can drop her off here on Mondays ;and Wednesdays, but
on Fridays, I golf.
**************************
AN IRISH JOKE
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Brigid.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall
mirror."
***************
Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby
was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed, "she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the
doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
********
PONDERISMS
* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
* Life is sexually transmitted.
* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
**************
Don't eat chickena sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm
starting to get feathers
down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK
and GIZZARDS!!!
********************
Reality Grocery Shopping
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
*******************
FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's ter rific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet
and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
*HAHAHAHAHA*
***********************
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while
with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol
poisoning,
hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson,
Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning."
Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
***********************
The Wager
Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the
two
fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more
Americanized would win.
A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball,
I
had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud,
how
about you?"
The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
****************
BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A N CAROLINA CLOTHING FACTORY AND
BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC
INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"......
THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER" AND PUT DOWN IT WAS LISTED AS
UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.
SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS
LISTED
AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....WHEN BILLY BOB
FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS!
HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE
THE MONEY......
THE CLERK EXPLAINED,
"PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"
"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
An Englishman coworker of mine years ago explained the same thing to me in a slightly different way:
You should work to live; not live to work.
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11 I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don’t enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.
I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.
Thank you so much for your kind help.
Sincerely,
RUSSIATUNNEL.wmv
fun driving!
kInd of reminds me of some of the Colorado mountain passes......
For thoise of you who were planning a driving trip through Russia this fall or winter, you might want to avoid this tunnel.
Russian Tunnel
This 3150 m long tunnel is in Russia. There is a river running over it and water leaks at some points.
When the temperature reaches minus 38 degrees like it did this winter, the road freezes and the result
is the attached video taken during a single day with the tunnel camera.
I reckon return tickets on the bus are a bad investment
AGING:
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- Don't think of it as getting hot Flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
--- I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
--- I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
--- I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
--- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
--- The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
--- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
--- I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
--- Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.
Some language not suitable for kids (or religious nuts)
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
..........PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
..........BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
..........NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
..........NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
..........NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
...........................................................................................
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Training for Congress
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
i GOT THIS IN AN E-MAIL AND THE LINK THAT MADE IT WORK WAS:
BigDeck.wmv but I don't know how to transfer the link to make it workable - duhhh.
Subject: FW: Big Deck
Size: 7 MB
Attachments: BigDeck.wmv (7093.5 KB)
This is pretty funny, esp. if you like Jeff Foxworthy or Drew Carey. But . . . i f you are at work, you may want to turn your speakers down a bit (no cursing, but suggestive as can be!!)
Play your video message
Back in the 50's, we took our cat, who had 4 new kittens 6 weeks earlier, to my aunt's home 35 miles out in the country; we lived in Cincinnati at the time and my aunt had 14 cats and dogs living off of her generosity and love of strays. Three days later, our cat was scratching at our back door and meowing at the top of her lungs. Of the 35 miles she came back, about ten miles of it was city. We surmised she didn't care for country living and sharing attention with 14 other critters, or she missed her kittens more than we thought she would. Must have been quite an adventure for her finding her way back. She was in a closed cat carrier on the floor of the back seat of the car on the way there. My aunt swore a God's oath that she didn't arrange her return to us, cat just took off the same evening of the day we returned home. Amazing pathfinding it was!
HIP HIP HURRAH! Finally.
Mom's said the same thing about trying to wear out your hand trying to do the same thing without drugs.
LAUGE: no such word. You must have meant "laugh"?
Ablonde got a new computer. The next day she went to the post office 22 times. Seems that every time she turned her computer on, it told her, "You have mail".
Water vs. Alcohol
> It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one
> liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
> would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia
> Coli Bacteria found in water that contains feces.
>
> In other words, we are consuming one kilo of shit.
> However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum,
> gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because
> alcohol has to go through a distillation process
> of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
>
> It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who
> are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been
> scientifically proven that it is unhealthy for you.
>
> It is better to drink alcohol and talk shit
>
> than to drink water and be full of it.
Also tomorrow afternoon using a 12 hour clock. :)
Here's some more Steven Wright
http://fortogden.com/fosw.html
One-minute management lessons
Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
-------------------------
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of manure and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
------------------------
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He is soon going at it as well as he can for a guy of his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute replies" "Well old sailor, you're doing about 3 knots".
"Three knots?" He asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
She says," You're knot hard, your knot in and you're knot getting your money back.
What Bill answered was, "I'm sorry, but I can't make it. However, I'll send Hillary with you."