Any Good Jokes?

[Chas]

Lots of stuff to read.

5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2006



Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened

his trench coat and flashed at her.



Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket
not your stub."

*****************
Smart Ass Answer #4:



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,

"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*******************
Smart Ass Answer #3:


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing,
he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

*******************
Smart Ass Answer #2:


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead

of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to

the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"


The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
*******************
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury

or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other

excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What

would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter

sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was

restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head

and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

*************
I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had
a dog (?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina
Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and
that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the
food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car
hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly
staggered to the door.

********************
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, the woman says;

"So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman . . . Wow! Just look
at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt."

She sighs and add, "This must be a sign from God that we should meet and
be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from
God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine
didn'tbreak. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our
good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in
agreement, opens it and takes a few bigswigs from the bottle, then
handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police . . ."

Well, I guess that may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex

***********************
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
************************
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier
walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit
puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your
fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was
that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a
little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you
saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at
attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said,
"No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple
of old duffel bags."
************************
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate
management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and
recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight
people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
American team's management structure was completely reorganized.

The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers,
and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to
provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower.
************************
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save

money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of
them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank w as a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed.

"Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what
happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long.
**************************
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.


The counselor asks them what the problem is and the
wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they
have ever had in the 15 years they've been married.
She goes on and on and on.


Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk,
embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The
woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.


The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is
what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can
you do this?"


The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I
can drop her off here on Mondays ;and Wednesdays, but
on Fridays, I golf.
**************************
AN IRISH JOKE
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Brigid.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to
their Upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head
and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall
mirror."
***************
Baby's First Doctor Visit


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby
was breast-fed or bottle-fed?


"Breast-fed, "she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the
doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.


Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."


"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
********
PONDERISMS

* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

* Life is sexually transmitted.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

* Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
**************
Don't eat chickena sandwiches, no matter what.....


A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!


This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.


He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
anymore?"


She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."


"Why?" he asked.


She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"


"Let me see" he said.


"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.


He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."


He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter. He said
to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm
starting to get feathers
down there too!"


She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!


She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK
and GIZZARDS!!!
********************
Reality Grocery Shopping

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a
thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
scent of fresh butter fat.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
*******************
FOUR FRIENDS AT A PARTY

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he
gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's ter rific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"


One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago,
and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet
and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

*HAHAHAHAHA*
***********************
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.


Coroner tells the Inspector:


"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while
with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."


"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol
poisoning,
hence the smile."


The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Ole Swenson,
Norwegian from Minnesota, 30, struck by lightning."


Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought he was having his picture taken."
***********************
The Wager


Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the
two
fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more
Americanized would win.


A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball,
I
had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud,
how
about you?"


The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."
****************
BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A N CAROLINA CLOTHING FACTORY AND
BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.


WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER..... I SEW
ELASTIC
INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES"......


THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER" AND PUT DOWN IT WAS LISTED AS
UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.


SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER", WHICH WAS
LISTED
AS A SKILLED JOB.... SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....WHEN BILLY BOB
FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS!



HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE
THE MONEY......
THE CLERK EXPLAINED,


"PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED, AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"



"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB. I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND
RUFUS PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS, "DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!