ACCURATE TOOL DEFINITIONS!
>>
>> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
> flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly
> painted part you were drying.
>>
>> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
>> under
> the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "SH**!!!"
>>
>> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
>>
>> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>>
>> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion,
> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> future becomes.
>>
>> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
> palm of your hand.
>>
>> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
> wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>>
>> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>>
>> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
> handle
> firmly under the bumper.
>>
>> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>>
>> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas
> fir.
>>
>> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>>
>> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
>>
>> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>>
>> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>>
>> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
> without the handle.
>>
>> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>>
>> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>>
>> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
> the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>>
>> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
>> coal-burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
> travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
> tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
>>
>> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>>
>> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>>
>> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days
> is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
> the
> object we are trying to hit.
>>
>> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
> boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
> the other hand not holding the knife.
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