What Is The Internet? - A FAQ For Beginners
Q: What's a FAQ?
A: This text is. Tt means "Frequently Asked
Questions"
Q: Oh, so it's not a dirty word then?
A: No, it just sounds a bit like one.
Q: So, What, exactly, is the Internet?
A: The Internet is a world-wide network of
university, government, business, and
private computer systems.
Q: Who runs it?
A: A 12-year-old named Kevin.
Q: How can I get on the Internet?
A: The easiest way is to sign up with one of
the popular commercial "on-line" services,
such as AOL, CompuServe, Netscape Online,
BT Internet, etc, etc, which will give
you their program disks for free. Or, if
you just leave your house unlocked, they'll
sneak in some night and install their
programs on your computer when you're
sleeping. They are really desperate for
your business with them.
Q: What are the benefits of these services?
A: The major benefit is that they all have
simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that
enable you -- even if you have no previous
computer experience -- to provide the on-
line services with the information they
need to automatically put monthly charges
on your credit card bill forever.
Q: What if I die?
A: They don't care.
Q: Can't I cancel my account?
A: Of course! You can cancel your account at
anytime.
Q: How?
A: Nobody has ever been able to find out.
Some of us have been trying for years to
cancel our on-line service accounts, but
no matter what we do, the charges keep
appearing on our bills. We're thinking of
entering the Federal Witness Protection
Program.
Q: What if I have children?
A: You'll want an anaesthetic, because it
really hurts.
Q: No, I mean What if my children also use
my Internet account?
A: You should just sign your house and major
internal organs over to the on-line service
right now.
Q: Aside from running up charges, what else
can I do once I'm connected to an on-line
service?
A: Millions of things! An incredible array
of things! No end to the number of things
you can do!
Q: Like what?
A: You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You
can chat.
Q: Chat?
A: Chat.
Q: I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A: Yes, but on the Internet, which connects
millions of people all over the entire globe,
you can chat with total strangers, many of
whom are boring and stupid!
Q: Sounds great! How does it work?
A: Well, first you decide which type of area
you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for
general chatting, and some are for specific
interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat
Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens
Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of
course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About
Sports. At any given moment, an area can
contain anywhere from two to dozens of people,
who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2"
so nobody will l know their real identities.
Q: What are their real identities?
A: They represent an incredible range of people,
people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating
fields from scientists to singers, from writers
to wranglers, from actors to athletes -- you
could be talking to almost anybody on the
Internet!
Q: Really?
A: No. You re almost always talking to losers
and hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys. But
they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
scientists, singers, etc.
Q: What do people talk about in chat areas?
A: Most chat-area discussions revolve around
the fascinating topic of who is entering
and leaving the chat area. A secondary,
but equally fascinating topic is where
everybody lives. Also, for a change of
pace, every now and then the discussion
is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-
year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to
women -- or to other 13-year-old boys.
To give you an idea of how scintillating
the repartee can be, here's a re-creation
of a typical chat area dialogue (Do not
read this scintillating repartee while
operating heavy machinery.)
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UvulaBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
Lungftook: Hi Uvula
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UvulaBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
UvulaBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster: 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UvulaBob: So long, L
(LONGISH PAUSE)
PolypMaster: Hi everybody
LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
Toadster: Yo, Polyp
UvulaBob: Hi, P
PolypMaster: What's going on?
LilBrisket: Not much
Toadster: Pretty quiet
UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after
riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and
furious, and at any moment you could learn
some fascinating nugget of global-network
information, such as whether or not PolypMaster
comes from Texas.
Q: I've heard that people sometimes use
Internet chat areas to have "cybersex."
What exactly is that?
A: This is when two people send explicitly
steamy messages to each other, back and
forth, back and forth, faster and faster,
hotter and hotter, faster and faster and
hotter and harder and harder until OHHHH
GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that they
have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you
get my drift.
Q: That's disgusting!
A: Yes.
Q: Could you give an example?
A: Certainly
Born2Bone: I want you NOW
HunniBunni: I want YOU now
Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
HunniBunni: OH YESSSS
(LONGISH PAUSE)
HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
HunniBunni: I'll do it
Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching
your, umm, your...
HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm
touching them!
HunniBunni: YES!
Born2Bone: Both of them!
HunniBunni: YESSS!!
Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
HunniBunni: You already did.
Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching
your entire nakedness!
HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
Born2Bone: No
HunniBunni: No
Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my
manfulness!
HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL!
YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG RAGING BULL STALLION!
Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
HunniBunni: Not you
Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING,
BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM THRUSTING
MY ... MY ... ummm ... Hunni
Bunni: Your love knockwurst?
Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE
KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
Born2Bone: Yes
HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
Born2Bone: Ha ha!
HunniBunni: You promised!
Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes I AM THRUSTING
MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION
PERSIMMON!
HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL
POWERFUL!!
HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I
FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
HunniBunni: Like what?
Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ...
OHMIGOD ...
HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT
IT FEELS LIKE!!
Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE
WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN THE SENATE!
HunniBunni: What did you say?
Born2Bone: Whoops
HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie
vote in the Senate?
Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T
IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE ATTENDING
A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
Born2Bone: Tipper?
HunniBunni: Whoops
Q: Aside from chatting, what else can I do on
the Internet?
A: You can join one of the thousands of forums
wherein people, by posting messages, discuss
political topics of the day.
Q: Like what?
A: Barry Manilow.
Q: There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A: There's a forum for everything.
Q: What happens on these forums?
A: Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example,
fans post messages about how much they love
Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by
posting messages about how much they love
Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the
forum is invaded by people posting messages
about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which
in turn leads to angry counter messages and
vicious name-calling that can go on for
months.
Q: Just like junior high school!
A: But even more pointless.
Q: Are there forums about sex?
A: Zillions of them.
Q: What do people talk about on those?
A: Barry Manilow.
Q: No, really.
A: OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all
titillating. Often you'll find highly
scientific discussions that expand the
frontiers of human understanding.
Q: It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
A: Indeed it is.
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