Ten Ways To Treat Mr. Penis
1. You've gotta 'introduce' yourself to Mr.
Penis, i.e., 'Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet
ya, big guy!' Don't dive on him like he's a
raw piece of meat and you're a starving pit-
bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy.
Make friends first.
2. When (Not 'IF') giving oral sex, don't suck
so hard that you make an industrial vacuum
cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the
man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis
is a sensitive 'guy'. Be gentle. Contrary to
your practicing techniques in high school,
the one who 'Melts' the popsicle first is
not the winner.
3. When sitting on top of a man, don't move too
far forward or back. Up and down is fine.
What you're gonna do if you do move too far
forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off
Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis is not made for
that action. And, VERY Important. When going
up and down, if you should go up a little too
high and Mr. Penis pops out, remember you are
not a basketball net, and Mr. Penis is not
the ball... your aim is not that good, you're
100 + Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called
gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.
4. Hand jobs - When stroking a Mr. Penis don't
grab him like a bus rail and start jerking him
like you were milking a cow. Don't treat Mr.
Penis as a piece of gym equipment to strengthen
the forearms. Remember friction is the problem..
lubrication is the cure.
5. Proper care of Mr. Penis - like anyone you wanna
keep around for a while you've gotta take good
care of him just as you do your dildo or your
car. Wash him off after and dry him - gently.
Oil him frequently, and have him park in the
garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold
spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use
out of him that way.
6. If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just
being coy, refer back to step #1 again. If no
response, then you sure gave him a good workout
the first time. Good for you!
7. Never, ever play 'crush the grapes' with Mr.
Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can
make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or
a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother
playing chess at the Naturalist beach last
July.
8. If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a
tee.
9. If Mr. Penis can't 'throw up' then his owner
worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful.
If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that
you had that effect on him... not everyone
can get him to do that.
10. If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't
say, 'Shit! Not that deep! What are you
doing... drilling for oil?' Say, 'Wow you're
much bigger than I thought. Could you take
it a little easier on me?' And never, never
say 'Is it in?'
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