CHENEY MOVES TO SECURE, SUBPOENA-PROOF LOCATION
Angry Fitzgerald Demands Veep’s Mailing Address Vice President Dick Cheney, who has spent much of the past four years in a secure, undisclosed location, has now moved to a new secure, undisclosed location which has been specially fortified against subpoenas.
While it is far from certain that Mr. Cheney will be subpoenaed in the case involving the leaking of a CIA officer’s identity, the vice president made the move to his new subpoena-proof hideout “just in case,” Mr. Cheney confirmed today.
“I think it is important for the American people to know that in a time of crisis, their vice president is safe from any and all subpoenas,” Mr. Cheney announced from wherever he is.
According to one source familiar with the vice president’s new lair, the entire compound is protected by a laser shield not unlike the “Star Wars” missile defense system long favored by Republicans in Congress.
If an unwanted subpoena should enter Vice President Cheney’s airspace, an officer manning the hideout’s 24-hour monitoring station would shout “Incoming!” after which the laser shield would incinerate the subpoena in midair.
In Washington, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald said he was “troubled” by the vice president’s move and demanded that his undisclosed location be disclosed.
“It’s infuriating that the Vice President of the United States would skip town without even leaving a mailing address,” Mr. Fitzgerald said.
But that address is a closely guarded secret, the source said, adding, “Dick Cheney has personally threatened to eat anyone who leaks it.”
Elsewhere, in a sign that she is gaining popularity in America, Camilla Parker-Bowles was named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.”
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