You wear your anger on your sleeve. I find life a comedy more than a tragedy. Blasphemy is irrelevant. Tearing down the temple is an act you believe in.
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Like me, many across this great land are taking lengthy vacations this month, to escape the roasting hot weather made possible by my bold policy of global climate enhancement. However, it has been brought to my attention that a relatively small number of families are not enjoying the summer nearly as much as I am, because their fathers, mothers, brothers, sons and/or daughters have been wounded and/or killed in the War of Heroic Action against Terrorism for the Future of a United Christian Kulture -- or, as my NSC counterterrorism experts sometimes call it: WHATtheF--K?
All of us here in Crawford mourn the loss of these brave but ultimately expendable men and women -- although if Cindy Sheehan thinks I'm going to let her anywhere near my house, she's out of her freaking mind. However, I will now honor the sacrifices made by our slaughtered troops and their annoying families with this brief moment of presidential silence. (Pauses briefly.)
Fortunately, the minor casualties sustained in Iraq over the past week have not materially affected the fantastic economic progress being made by the wealthier members of our great society! Corporate profits continue to grow at double-digit rates, while retailers catering to the luxury market report record sales. In more affluent regions, home prices are soaring -- a trend which is enriching real estate speculators and encouraging millions of upper middle-class Americans to borrow heavily against the skyrocketing values of their suburban mini-mansions. As a result, the personal savings rate has fallen to zero, and household debt levels have reached yet another all-time high. Clearly, the prosperity of our socioeconomic elite now rests on a sound and stable footing.
True, the latest economic reports also show a modest share of this prosperity is finally trickling down to America's working families. But rest assured: the Federal Reserve is on the case, and will raise interest rates as high as necessary to nip this dangerous inflationary trend in the bud. America's true heros -- the CEOs and billionaires who control our giant multinational corporations -- deserve no less. We must not fail them in their hour of obscene prosperity, and as long as I am president, (sobs) we will not.
You know, we've been through a lot these past four years (and when I say "we," I am, of course, speaking hypothetically.) War, terrorism, recession, a major stock market crash, corporate accounting enhancements -- all of these things happened on my watch, and yet, with God's mercy and the blessings of the Ohio Republican Party, I was re-elected. Truly, in America all things are possible.
Now, my administration is bringing that same can-do spirit to our nation's energy policy. We're ignoring the whiny pessimists who claim today's sky-high gas prices are just a taste of the economic and environmental chaos that could result if America doesn't curb its insatiable thirst for imported oil. Are these not the same effete and unpatriotic voices who predicted the failure of my bold campaign to make Iraq safe for Iranian influence? They were wrong then and they're wrong now.
As you may know, Congress recently approved my new energy bill, which will fatten the wallets of hundreds, if not thousands, of needy oil company executives and their elected representatives in Washington. Surely, if the history of this great nation has taught us anything, it's that massive government subsidies can accomplish anything -- whether it's finding a cure for cancer or building a safe and reliable space shuttle. I'm confident my pork . . . I mean, my energy bill will be every bit as successful.
At the same time, though, we're making bold efforts to safeguard America's foreign oil supplies by stepping up our campaign to bring the blessings of democracy to the culturally backwards nations of the Middle East -- by endorsing the ruling royal dynasty in Saudi Arabia, for example.
There are some who feel the corrupt Saudi monarchy cannot survive much longer, and will eventually be overwhelmed by the forces of Islamic fundamentalism it has promoted and protected for decades. This, they say, could easily cause oil prices to double again, throwing the global economy into recession and revealing the fragile foundations of our weakly regulated financial system.
Well, my answer is: Bring 'em on. The Saudi National Guard and secret police have the forces necessary to deal with the security situation. And even if they don't, there is no policy blunder so catastrophic that our gigantic military machine can't bail me out, somehow.
After all, isn't that the most important lesson of WHATtheF--K?
In closing, let me just remind you that the American economy is still the envy of the world. And you can bet your SUVs that I will do whatever it takes to keep it envious -- and to keep you, the American people, in a state of permanent, detached unreality. Because only then will our multinational corporations be able to completely unleash the spirit of mindless greed, so that even more of our billionaires can realize the New American Dream.
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