MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - In her official Tea Party response to President Obama's State of the Union Address, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) offered a bold new policy initiative she called "Don't Add, Don't Spell."
Rep. Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core Tea Party values" and said it would "deliver the American people from the tyranny of arithmetic, spelling, and punctuation."
In addition to "Don't Add, Don't Spell," Rep. Bachmann suggested slashing the Federal budget by eliminating nine of the first ten Amendments to the Constitution.
"I think you know which one I'd keep," she chuckled, miming a Western gunslinger with her index fingers.
Rep. Bachmann's odd onscreen appearance, in which she seemed to be staring off-camera for the duration of her speech, was initially blamed on "a squirrel that got into the studio and distracted her," said one Tea Party official.
But the Minnesota congresswoman offered her own explanation: "I was looking off to one side because I was trying to read off Sarah Palin's hand."
In Washington, House Speaker John Boehner held a press conference after the president's speech to declare, "This infernal week of civility is officially over."
"The American people owe its representatives a huge debt of thanks," Mr. Boehner added. "Tonight, each of us made the ultimate sacrifice any American can ever be called upon to make: sitting next to a person we despise."
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