1. Being a conservative means I can be selfish and not feel bad about it.
2. Being a conservative means all the problems of the world can be attributed to liberals.
3. Being a conservative means I never have to acknowledge flaws in my philosophy.
4. Being a conservative means anything a Democrat does is bad.
5. Being a conservative means any bad thing I do is either justified or the work of somebody who isn’t really a true conservative anyway.
6. Being a conservative means I root for failure when it punishes a liberal and reward failure if it is profitable for fellow conservatives.
7. Being a true conservative means I’m more worried about protecting a definition than I am protecting the rights of Americans.
8. Being a conservative means I never have to try to solve any problems in the government because I insist government is the problem anyway.
9. Being a conservative means I lay off workers to boost profits then complain about lazy unemployed people.
10. Being conservative means I am staunchly pro-life and will put a bullet through the eyes of any liberal who challenges that.
11. Being a conservative means I am furious my tax dollars aren’t being spent blowing up as many countries as I would like.
12. Being a conservative means you can blame problems on poor people instead of the rich ones who actually run things.
13. Being a conservative means believing in spite and fear instead of hope and change.
14. Being a conservative means sometimes people have to starve if it proves my point.
15. Being a conservative means Democratic presidents don’t count.
16. Being a conservative means a president shouldn’t pay attention to public opinion when he is doing what he believes is right for the country. (Strike all this if the president is a Democrat, in which case it is a treasonous act.)
17. Being a conservative means supporting the right to deny pre-existing conditions.
18. Being a conservative means someone else dying for your country is noble and patriotic, but my paying taxes for it is obscene.
19. Being a conservative means it’s okay if I do it because I am conservative.
20. Being a conservative means you get to yell your talking points and write in all caps, especially the word "LIBERAL".
21. Being a conservative means pretending the Republican party was born the night Ronald Reagan was elected.
22. Being a conservative means putting your car in reverse, driving backwards through a bunch of weeds, and complaining that it isn’t the beautiful parkway you swear used to be there.
23. Being a conservative means knowing that everything that was bad up to 2006 was Bill Clinton’s fault; everything bad that happened from 2007 to 2009 was Nancy Pelosi’s fault, and everything after that is Barack Obama’s fault.
24. Being a conservative means having absurdly high standards for Democrats and pretty much the lowest standards for myself.
25. Being a conservative means criticizing the tiniest details of any Democratic plan, but talking in only huge generalities about my own plans.
26. Being a conservative means I can accuse Pres. Obama of being divisive because I didn’t vote for him and he won anyway.
27. Being a conservative means I can view all things I don't understand with contempt and not have to make the effort to change.
28. Being a conservative means I know I was right not to share my toys as a child.
29. Being a conservative means I am not a racist--black people are the real racists.
30. Being a conservative means the news I don't like hearing is just liberal propaganda.
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