As bruising and violent as most Sundays are around the NFL, it's hard to top last week's for physical pain. How bad was it? Consider that Dr. Doolittle, Dr. Zhivago, and Dr. J were all called out of retirement to lend their expertise to a host of beleaguered NFL teams.
The casualties were still being counted and assessed, but as of late Wednesday night my sources inside the cleaning company that vacuums the rugs at league headquarters say the count looked something like this:
361 players were injured.
37 were carried off on stretches.
171 went to the hospital.
There were 156 MRIs Monday, and another 59 Tuesday. There were no MRIs Wednesday, because that's a big golf day for the doctors, but 37 MRIs were planned for yesterday.
187 of the injuries involved the knee, 95 were up around the head, 15 were broken legs or arms, 27 were groin pulls, 2 had fat lips after being slapped by cheerleaders for inappropriate comments, 7 suffered body burns from whirlpools that were turned up too high, 19 had pinched nerves, 5 had high-ankle sprains, 2 had low-ankle sprains, 1 had a mid-ankle sprain, and Reggie Dupard, of course, had "turf toe."
So painful was last Sunday that the IR list is a longer read than "War and Peace." How crazy was it? Dr. Phil was acting as a marriage counselor between a toaster salesman and a female impressionist when he got an emergency call from the NFL to help out with all the wounded. Drs. Pierce and Honeycutt were pulled off of syndication to help out; so, too, Drs. Casey and Kildaire, and all over the NFL management, types exclaimed: "I know George Clooney isn't a doctor, but he played one on TV, so maybe he can help."
It was painful, folks. Real painful.
Some teams play a 4-3, some teams a 3-4. The Bears will now play a 5-5 because they're down to one defensive back. With Tommy Maddox down and out, the Steelers will turn their attention to Ben Roethlisberger, though there's not enough room on the shirt so his name will appear as "R'berger." In Washington, things are so bad that kicker John Hall actually has two strained hamstrings and now comes the tricky part with the insurance company -- to see if the team has to use two deductibles for medical treatment.
You have aches and pains? Don't complain to the Cleveland Browns. Their top draft pick, standout tight end Kellen Winslow Jr., went up for an onside kick at Dallas and came down with one good leg, the broken right one effectively ending his season. He'll have plenty of company in the hospital ward, because the Browns' former No. 1 pick, defensive end Courtney Brown, tore ligaments in his left foot and has been placed on IR for a fourth straight year. Tackle Ryan Tucker and Gerard Warren are also there.
Glicks.. I don't know em.. You guys must be neighbors huh ? I've got one of those myself... Why does karma put such minds, next to such voids?.. Can you explain that to me..
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