Replies to post #8496 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

lololol

[teapeebubbles]

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people
arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and
St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The
next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks,
"What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my
kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The
third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is
dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of
the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of
gonorrhea!"

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"

[delyte]

SON OF A BITCH FISH, (Oldie, but goodie...)

SON OF A BITCH FISH.

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

‘Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen’

'Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'

'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!'

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish.

'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

'What are you doing Sister?' 'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

'I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You fuckers are my kind of people!'

[teapeebubbles]

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a
job on a building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got
drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to
confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say
twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades
of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he
was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of
work there and the money to be made was more than twice
what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages
were more than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prost-
itute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission
Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to
say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the
poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had
to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty
decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know
aboout drinkin' and f**kin' in Philadelphia."