Replies to post #8356 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING ON HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO . SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE, AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'


SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL
IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN.

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE.'

THE NUN SAID TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT A DAY IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNEW THE MACHINE WAS WRONG. AS SHE THOUGHT TO HER SELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE,' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING ON THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO...

[teapeebubbles]

The doctor said, "Steve, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.



When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new
life. Steve saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."



He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Steve laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business over 60 years" Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you
know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.



As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2E." Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.



Steve walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Steve laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old" The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

[teapeebubbles]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells
her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. '
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his
secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1.it had never been occupied;
2.that there was plenty of heat;
3.that is was small enough to make me cozy

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the
heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!