Is he happy at the FBI? If not he cannot do his job properly: I Must Leave The FBI At Once To Solve The Epstein Conspiracy!
What good is being in a position of power when you could be podcasting?
By Alexandra Petri
Photo-illustration by The Atlantic. Sources: Roy Rochlin / Getty; Sonia Moskowitz / Getty. July 12, 2025
DAN BONGINO HERE! I MUST GET OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE POSITION OF “DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF THE FBI” (where I am HELPLESS to see what’s really going on), so that I can get to the bottom of this Jeffrey Epstein situation! (Kash Patel can come with me if he wants.) I have always felt that you get the most direct line to what the FBI is doing when you are as far away from the FBI as possible, ideally in some sort of podcast studio or BASEMENT with a BULLETIN BOARD that has a lot of RED THREAD on it—and KETTLEBELLS! (How I have missed my kettlebells!)
I’ve wasted so much time here. I should have remembered: The people who really know what the government is doing are the ones who don’t work anywhere near it. If I can see a single classified file, I am still TOO CLOSE! That is how they GET YOU!
No, someone has to leave the government and start digging, because there is a conspiracy here for certain. Only, I can’t get to the bottom of it from here, within the ranks of the FBI’s top leadership. (I think it goes all the way to the top but I can’t be sure!)
I believe this is all the fault of Pam Bondi. (Pam ought to resign!) She is keeping things from the American people, I think. I was in all the meetings and saw all the files she saw but I couldn’t see ANYTHING in them (which I believe to have been the WITCHCRAFT OF PAM!)
Look—I know conspiracy theories, and let me just say: The way we have released the Epstein evidence is the LEAST convincing thing I’ve EVER SEEN!
First Pam says the Epstein client list is on her desk? And then she says, no, she meant something different? And then we put out a statement saying that there was nothing to see in the files and that we cannot release any more. And then we release a video to help demonstrate that he killed himself but that is missing a minute of footage? A whole minute? And then she says, Oh, this always happens? What are we trying to pull over on the American people?! I am desperate to get to the bottom of what is going on here! EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS STUFF.
Even Donald Trump is trying to move the conversation away from Epstein on the grounds that we’ve already talked about him for years? Has Donald heard himself speak before? That has never once stopped him! That’s why you have to get me out of the government. I can’t think straight in the FBI. I have to wear a tie and a LONG-SLEEVE SHIRT and it makes me MISERABLE and CONFUSED! I get addled, like an egg. I need the reassuring air of my podcast studio (and my kettlebells, my most trusted sources!) I need all of this (and, of course, Pam’s resignation) to understand what’s really happening here! The Deputy Director’s chair at the FBI is probably the worst place or the second-worst place to find out what’s really going on. Kash and I are helpless! All the director and I can do is sit around and administer unwanted polygraphs to our resentful employees! This is NOT the best use of my time. I should be doing REPS and GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS and FILLING MY WHOLE T-SHIRT, LIKE SOMEONE POURED ME INTO IT AND FORGOT TO SAY “WHEN,” which I can’t do here! As soon as I’m out of this stifling environment I will find those responsible, I’m sure. We need Dan Bongino on the case! GET DAN BONGINO OUT OF THE FBI SO DAN BONGINO CAN FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FBI IS HIDING FROM US!!
Alexandra Petri is a staff writer at The Atlantic.
Surely that is satire?? If not he has a problem. As you know he is conspiracy prone:
"Can't Run Republic Like This": FBI Deputy's Cryptic Post Amid Epstein Row [...] Former conservative radio host and current Deputy Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), Dan Bongino, posted a lengthy, cryptic message on his official X account, pledging to uncover "the truth" about the corruption and "political weaponisation" at federal law enforcement that "shocked" him down to his core. Bongino - known to dial up the drama around news and spread conspiracy theories as host of "The Dan Bongino Show" - proclaimed that "we cannot run a Republic like this."
It was unclear what exactly the FBI Deputy Director was referring to in the post, but it comes on the heels of several controversies surrounding the federal probe agency, including investigations into the sexual abuse case against late financier Jeffrey Epstein and charges against former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton over her use of a personal e-mail server during the Obama administration.
"During my tenure here as the Deputy Director of the FBI, I have repeatedly relayed to you that things are happening that might not be immediately visible, but they are happening," Bongino wrote on Saturday.
Along with FBI director Kash Patel, Bongino said he is "committed to stamping out public corruption and the political weaponization of both law enforcement and intelligence operations."
"It is a priority for us. But what I have learned in the course of our properly predicated and necessary investigations into these aforementioned matters, has shocked me down to my core. We cannot run a Republic like this. I'll never be the same after learning what I've learned," the former radio host said.
He called the investigation "righteous and proper," and promised it would be done "by the book and in accordance with the law."
"We are going to get the answers WE ALL DESERVE. As with any investigation, I cannot predict where it will land, but I can promise you an honest and dignified effort at truth. Not "my truth," or "your truth," but THE TRUTH. God bless America, and all those who defend Her. Respectfully, Dan," he added.
Earlier this month, Bongino was at the centre of a row over the files related to disgraced financier and convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein.
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