Before gettin’ to the good stuff, everyone here at Shower Cap’s Blog would like to extend our heartfelt gratitude to Congressman Matt Gaetz, who not only delivered much-needed blog fodder to an otherwise (blissfully) slow news week, but granted the weary, schadenfreude-starved American left the glorious spectacle of one of Trumpism’s archbishops melting down before our eyes into a puddle of filth, reeking of sulfur and the vile ambition of the cruel and petty.
The day started promisingly for Gaetz, actually, amidst leaked rumors that he was contemplating leaving boring ol’ Congress behind to pursue fame and fortune with the disinformation-spewing fascist factory men call “Newsmax,” like a shittier Jim DeMint*, prompting a great deal of chin-stroking about the precise location of the center of power within the throbbing mass of shrieking buttholes that is the Republican Party of 2021.
Shit like that is like crack to an attention whore like Gaetz, but the high was not to last, alas.
For ordinary mortals, a gigantic, late-breaking news story containing your name alongside words like “trafficking” and “17-year-old” would surely constitute the low point of, at the very least, your day, but our Matthew is a true once-in-a-generation scumbag, and he was just getting warmed up.
Gaetz knew he needed a softball interview, STAT, and so he called up Tucker Carlson, because that’s just whatcha do when you’re an American Nazi in search of a safe space.
Now, Liar Tuck has helped many a wingnut jagoff disseminate their horseshit spin, but young Mattward was on a mission to make Sam Nunberg look like Droopy. Panicked and desperate, he attempted to lash himself to Carlson like an anchor**, proclaiming the two of them Best Sex Crimez Buddies 4Ever, earning a speedy defenestration from the only media figure extreme enough to even consider helping him.
Because no sooner had the scandal broken than every Republican in Washington called up their favorite access journalist to issue the same We Aways Knew That Gaetz Boy Was No Good statement. When you think of all the shit those cowardly doormats excused and enabled over the last few years, it’s sort of staggering to contemplate what sort of massive asshole you’d have to be to merit such instant, unanimous excommunication.
Outside of Gym Jordan’s mumbled, half-assed “Matt Gaetz is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life,” his lone congressional defender is our old friend Marjorie Taylor Guam, and she’s only looking for something, ANYTHING, to piggyback on to get some of that sweet, sweet attention she no longer commands since the media moved on from her sad little geek show. Point is, the assemble-the-team montage isn’t going well for Rep. Florida Man.
Anyway, he belches up this zany-ass, Elmore-Leonard-meets-Carter-Page story about extortion and hostages and all kindsa weird shit, which, amazingly, seems to be at least partially true?
Problem is, the whole reason he’s being extorted is that he’s under investigation for some extremely major, extremely disturbing crimes. It’s a bit of an ethical sticky wicket, I admit, but I imagine most folks’d side with the blackmailers here.
I mean, maybe this all turns out to be more innocent than it looks. I guess. Maybe. Somehow. Buuuuuut what it looks like right now is a sitting U.S. Congressman hanging around with a sex-trafficking scatbucket and paying to commit sex acts with minors.
Can’t wait to see what the future holds for ya, Congressman!
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