Replies to post #76181 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

"Some people go to bed at night thinking, 'That was a good day.' I am one of those who worries and asks, 'How did I screw up today?' "

[teapeebubbles]

Not satisfied with the results he got from his family
doctor, a balding man sought out an alternative treatment
for his hair loss. A friend referred him to a scientist
who had been testing a chemical that showed great promise.

Within a week after taking the recommended dosage, a
heavy growth of hair appeared on the bald man's scalp.
He was very happy at first, but soon became alarmed when
hair began to grow uncontrollably all over his body.

After two weeks, he returned to see the scientist. "What
the hell did you give me?" he demanded. "It was DNA from
a Woolly Mammoth."

"Aha!" exclaimed the man. "That would explain the size
of my balls!"

[teapeebubbles]

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that
he had to break off their engagement so that he could
marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I
can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

[teapeebubbles]

A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what,
I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynec-
ologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in
25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown
so he can check everything out.

The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right
breast and tells her to say, "99"

She says "99"

"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then
puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and
repeats, "Say 99"

She says "99"

Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.

"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on
the table and put your feet in the stirrups."

He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove
and is checking her private parts for any signs of
lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"

She says, "one, two, three.........."

[teapeebubbles]

Smart Ass Answers

6. It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked
John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John
asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

5. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure
gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat,
she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

4. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough
for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No
ma'am, they're dead."

3. The cop got out of his car and the kid who was
stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've
been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he
sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2. A truck driver was driving along on the f reeway. A
sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are
backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes
up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Best Smart Ass Answer:

1. A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the
back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at
the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well,
I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.

[teapeebubbles]

On a first date, guys usually take you to a movie
where you sit in the dark staring at a screen, not
speaking to each other. Makes perfect sense, it
prepares you for marriage.