Replies to post #233973 on Tornado Alley (PROG)

[arizona1]

President Obama Announces The End Of The US Military Occupation Of Texas

Responding to pleas from Texas Governor Greg Abbott the White House releases the following statement

“We plan to withdraw all US military personnel and close all bases by December 2015”

In a brief statement President Obama said

“The US Occupation of Texas is over, the troops will finally be coming home after so many years.”

Some 250,000 personnel will be immediately affected.
NASA is planning to relocate in 2016.
The Federal Government is also to review its procurement strategies from Texas based contractors.

Lockheed Martin released the following statement to the press

“What the fuck is this shit?”

Boeing followed up with

“What they said.”

When questioned about the $250 billion impact on the Texas economy Governor Abbot replied

“That much? Really?”

Ted Cruz and Louis Gohmert released a joint statement

“This is a Federal Government plot to ruin the economy of Texas and hand it over to ISIS"

Rick Perry adjusted his glasses in a desperate attempt to look reasonable and had to be led away by his handlers before he upset the base.

Alex Jones ate his own foot, he was unavailable for further comment. So a definite win there.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2015/05/07/1383051/-President-Obama-Announces-End-Of-The-US-Military-Occupation-Of-Texas

[arizona1]

N.F.L. Sentences Brady to a Year with the Jets

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. (The Borowitz Report) – In what football insiders are calling an unexpectedly severe punishment, the National Football League has sentenced the New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady to a year with the New York Jets for his role in the so-called Deflategate scandal.

The punishment drew howls of protest from Patriots fans and management, with many calling it the harshest in league history, but N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell defended the decision as “a necessary deterrent.”

“We need to send the message that this league has zero tolerance for cheating,” Goodell said. “We believe that a year of playing quarterback for the Jets sends that message loud and clear.”

Brady was reportedly in a state of shock when he heard the news of his punishment. He later met with reporters in a hastily called press conference during which he frequently seemed on the verge of tears.

“I am going to fight this decision with every fibre of my being,” Brady said. “This is America. You can’t force a person to play for the Jets.”

At a sports bar in Manhattan, the reaction to the impending arrival of the Jets’ longtime nemesis was muted. One Jets fan observed, “Look, Brady’s a dick, but even he didn’t deserve this.”
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/n-f-l-sentences-brady-to-a-year-with-the-jets?

[BOREALIS]

Austin has made desperate requests for assistance to the U.S. military...