Some Fear Ebola Outbreak Could Make Nation Turn to Science
Photograph by William Thomas Cain/Getty
By Andy Borowitz October 16, 2014
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report [ http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report ])—There is a deep-seated fear among some Americans that an Ebola outbreak could make the country turn to science.
In interviews conducted across the nation, leading anti-science activists expressed their concern that the American people, wracked with anxiety over the possible spread of the virus, might desperately look to science to save the day.
“It’s a very human reaction,” said Harland Dorrinson, a prominent anti-science activist from Springfield, Missouri. “If you put them under enough stress, perfectly rational people will panic and start believing in science.”
Additionally, he worries about a “slippery slope” situation, “in which a belief in science leads to a belief in math, which in turn fosters a dangerous dependence on facts.”
At the end of the day, though, Dorrinson hopes that such a doomsday scenario will not come to pass. “Time and time again through history, Americans have been exposed to science and refused to accept it,” he said. “I pray that this time will be no different.”
Man Infected with Ebola Misinformation Through Casual Contact With Cable News
By Andy Borowitz October 7, 2014
CANTON, OH (The Borowitz Report [ http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report ])—An Ohio man has become infected with misinformation about the Ebola virus through casual contact with cable news, the Centers for Disease Control has confirmed.
Tracy Klugian, thirty-one, briefly came into contact with alarmist Ebola hearsay during a visit to the Akron-Canton airport, where a CNN report about Ebola was showing on one of the televisions in the airport bar. “Mr. Klugian is believed to have been exposed to cable news for no more than ten minutes, but long enough to become infected,” a spokesman for the C.D.C. said. “Within an hour, he was showing signs of believing that an Ebola outbreak in the United States was inevitable and unstoppable.”
Once Klugian’s condition was apparent, the Ohio man was rushed to a public library and given a seventh-grade biology textbook, at which point he “started to stabilize,” the spokesman said.
But others exposed to the widening epidemic of Ebola misinformation may not be so lucky. “A man in Oklahoma was exposed to Elisabeth Hasselbeck on Fox for over three minutes,” the C.D.C. spokesman said gravely. “We hope we’re not too late.”
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report [ http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report ])—The president of CNN Worldwide, Jeff Zucker, attempted on Wednesday to defuse the brewing controversy over his decision to change the network’s official slogan from “The Most Trusted Name in News” to “Holy Crap, We’re All Gonna Die.”
“This exciting new slogan is just one piece of our over-all rebranding strategy,” Zucker said. “Going forward, we want CNN to be synonymous with the threat of imminent death.”
He added that the network expected to see strong ratings growth as a result of having the words “Holy Crap, We’re All Gonna Die” on-screen twenty-four hours a day.
Part of Zucker’s new strategy was on display during Tuesday’s edition of the network’s signature program, “The Situation Room,” in which a visibly ill-at-ease Wolf Blitzer appeared dressed as The Grim Reaper.
“That’s a work in progress,” Zucker said about Blitzer’s makeover. “But once Wolf gets comfortable swinging that scythe, he’s going to be amazing.”
Ebola Outbreak Spreads to 3rd Province in Eastern Congo
"A professor in U.S. is telling Liberians that the Defense Department ‘manufactured’ Ebola .. posting this mainly because i want to get the info on Leonard Horowitz on the board .."
A motor taxi driver getting his hands washed at an Ebola screening station on the road between Butembo and Goma, Democratic Republic of Congo, in July. John Wessels/Agence France-Presse — Getty Images
By The Associated Press
Aug. 16, 2019
KINSHASA, Democratic Republic of Congo — Congo said on Friday that its yearlong Ebola outbreak had spread to a third province, with two new cases confirmed in the current outbreak, the second-largest in recorded history.
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