Replies to post #61296 on Rants and Raves

[coalesce]

I ---- SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking... "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex. "
"Social Security sex? "
"Yeah, you know : I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

II ---- LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell. " "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is, " she complained, "it wakes me up!"

III ---- QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She looked at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

IV ---- CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen. "

V ---- WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'. "
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last. "

VI ---- NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

VII ---- OLD SEX
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."

[teapeebubbles]

Rocket Scientists at work,,,,
====================

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator auto for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in mid-winter and of course all of the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.

Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.

The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.


The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then """"""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with..... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...The dog is okay...

Newspaper item from Wisconsin...

[teapeebubbles]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.









"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."



"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."




"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."




"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."









"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."




"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."




All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.




Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!









If you don't send this to at least 8 people....

no one will give a poop