“TURNIP TRADER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
TUESDAY APRIL 1, 2003
By RW
NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested a popular wiz on insight-trading and conspiracy charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be an inventor with a doctoral degree. Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that retired ZH offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on April 1.
Additional arrests are anticipated, as a large horde of stock market traders follow the writings of ZH, several ago years on *P, then on SI, and eventually migrating with him to IH, moving his troops as federal investigators get closer to ZH and his co-conspirators. "We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.
"But the fact is, with an initial very small investment, in several years' time he had a portfolio valued at more than the total treasury of the US, however ZH refused to disclose his net worth, as he never discusses his finances. Every trade he made capitalized on stock price gyrations in hourly, daily and other time durations. No other day traders and market timers come even close to match his market gains. His tradings simply can't be pure luck.
"The only way he could pull it off is with divine information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."
The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when EH makes his daily flurries of high-risk trades and came out the winner, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.
When investigators hauled ZH in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind boggling four-hour confession.
ZH declared that he had traveled back in time when he met the TURNIPS which keep track of stock prices gyrations, making consistent profit even when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the future price actions could make a fortune, even when never making short sales.
"It was just too tempting to resist," ZH allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But the turnips are too good."
In a bid for leniency, ZH has reportedly offered to divulge the identity of the "turnips" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS, as well for SARS.
All he wants is to be allowed to return to his turnips.
However, he refuses to reveal the location of the turnips or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."
Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any ZH existing anywhere before the internet.”
Federal investigators are expected to zero in on his fellow internet stock trading conspirators, and expect more arrests shortly.
RW News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
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