Wine

[Hoople]

Lugan, a friend wrote and PMd this to me this AM - I thought it was hilariuos so am sharing:

Franzia Box White Chablis

On Monday evening, my humble abode was the site of an impromptu wine tasting. (Read: We ran out of beer.) After some deliberation, I chose for our tasting a Franzia Box White Chablis, a five liter carton that was (a)taking up room in my refrigerator and (b)all I had.

Torn between juice glasses and styrofoam cups, I soon settled on the latter, reasoning that smelling and tasting it would be bad enough, so why look at it too?

I explained to the assembled that we couldn't simply guzzle down the wine. We had to sniff it first, thereby revealing our couth and expanding our wine experience. This disappointed them greatly, but I controlled the carton, so they reluctantly went along with it.

We swirled. We twirled. We snorted. Many of the responses would violate the TOU of this site for Franzia has not so much an aroma as a stench. In what is printable here, it was variously characterized as being evocative of:

A Nursing Home
Low Tide
An Elderly Dog
Newark

They were now daunted but unbowed. Together, we put cups to our lips and sipped. My notes from the night include the following:

"I'm really sorry. Got any paper towel?"

"Who wants the rest of mine?"

"Maybe you're supposed to add something to it."

"Use the rest to disinfect the bidet."

"Wow. The Steelers are getting their asses kicked." (I sensed a loss of focus here.)

Clearly, my tyro testers missed the essence of this most pedestrian of wines. Franzio Box White Chablis is reminiscent of a Montrachet in that it is wet and contains alcohol. Moreover, it is a celebration of the mediocrity that lurks within all of us. It instantly lowers one's expectations of everything. I, for one, began to hum "Dust in the Wind."

With each sip, the wine gently whispers "Loser." It cascades over your tongue, instantly reaching a climactic nadir then quickly petering out.

Tasting Notes:

One taster claimed that he detected undertones of grape, but no one else did. He was probably just showing off.

Another taster made the excellent point that this is probably a good wine to select when you're already quite drunk.

This is the perfect wine to serve to a vagrant. Or an in-law. Or a hooker.

I think that it would match up well with boiled potatoes. Or Wonder Bread. Or cardboard.

A final note on storage: Once opened, this wine will "keep" in your refrigerator for an extended time. Franzia has designed the carton and spout so ingeniously that the wine will retain every bit of its crappiness.

A votre sante!