The Jailhouse

[philozarton]

New Bailiff Tired Of Hearing
How Old Bailiff Did Things
FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Deputy Benjamin H. Weaver, court bailiff of the Flagstaff Municipal Courthouse, has grown weary of the constant comparisons to recently retired bailiff Leo Cessna. "I don't care if Deputy Leo always let you use the bathroom during opening arguments—I'm not Leo," the 34-year-old Weaver told jurors Tuesday. "I'm not Leo, I've never been Leo, and I can never be Leo, okay?" After the session, court stenographer Judy Rayburn tried to comfort Weaver, telling the shaken bailiff that it took years for the judges to accept her way of using semicolons.

God Quietly Phasing Holy Ghost Out Of Trinity
HEAVEN—Calling the Holy Trinity "overstaffed and over budget," God announced plans Monday to downsize the group by slowly phasing out the Holy Ghost. "Given the poor economic climate and the unclear nature of the Holy Ghost's duties, I felt this was a sensible and necessary decision," God said. "The Holy Ghost will be given fewer and fewer responsibilities until His formal resignation from Trinity duty following Easter services on April 20. Thereafter, the Father and the Son shall be referred to as the Holy Duo."

Iraqi Homeowner To Wait A While
Before Re-Shingling Roof
BAGHDAD—Homeowner Aftab Shamoun, 34, announced Monday that he will likely wait "just a little while" before moving ahead with plans to re-shingle the roof of his Baghdad home. "Now may not be the best time to put on those nice new ceramic shingles," said Shamoun, whose roof was damaged in a wind storm last November. "Heck, I've been putting it off for so long, a few more months won't hurt." Despite putting the shingling project on the back burner, Shamoun said he plans to spend next weekend insulating his front windows with energy-efficient plywood boards.

Here is your Horoscope for this week
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and
A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer
Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You have thoroughly wasted your potential over the past five years--years you could have spent deep-frying professionally.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
A fast-talking huckster sells you the Brooklyn Bridge for $93.8 million, but it turns out it's all perfectly legal.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ladies won't be able to keep their hands off you this week, thanks to a sharp new look consisting of tailored suits made from bubble wrap.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You will experience a surge in popularity when talk-show host Wayne Brady publicly declares you his personal nemesis.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
You will finally grow mature enough to accept your own mortality, just moments before the freak elephant stampede.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The community's response to your drunken riding-mower accident will start a hilarious national trend in roadside memorial art.

Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston's all-time second-largest fire.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
You will be mentioned several times in Jack Palance's explanation of why he no longer does one-handed push-ups in public.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You are renowned for your kind and loving nature, thanks mainly to a crack PR team.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
The increased precipitation in your area continues, thanks largely to that little black storm cloud that follows you everywhere.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It's been quite a while since the stars mentioned the nurses chained up in your basement, but don't worry: They haven't forgotten they're down there.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
The dying celebrity-boxing fad is revitalized when Ellen Cleghorne announces she's ready and willing to go 12 rounds with you.

Well that's all for my afternoon news segment....tune in later tonight for the "rest of the story"

Phreezing Philo of the Nord