The Halfway House

[AKvetch]

Bull, some Martha Stewart tips for you...

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Martha Stewart's tips for Rednecks

Dining Out

* When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly.

* If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home

* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene

* While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)

* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

* Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

* Kissing the bride for longer than 5 seconds can get you shot.

* For the groom, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

* Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.