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U.S.: DEBATE TRANSCRIPT RELEASED ONE DAY EARLY

Face-off Overly Choreographed, Critics Charge

by Andy Borowitz
2004-09-30

A full transcript of Thursday's presidential debate between President George W. Bush and Democratic nominee John Kerry was released Wednesday, sparking criticism that the debate has been overly choreographed by the committee representing the two major parties. The transcript, full of pre-planned quips and sound bites from both candidates, is a verbatim reflection of what the actual debate will be on Thursday night, a committee member confirmed.

“We have shared the written transcript with both President Bush and Senator Kerry and warned them to stick to the script”, said Davis Loudon of the Presidential Debate Steering Committee. “If they stray one iota, we're threatening to turn the heat in the room up to 71 degrees.” According to the transcript, the debate will begin with opening statements by both candidates, after which Mr. Bush will turn to Mr. Kerry and ask, “Where's the beef?”

Mr. Kerry, totally prepared for this witticism, will reply by saying, “I've got your beef right here”, to which Mr. Bush will reply, “Beef this.” After Mr. Bush goes on to extol the legacy of Ronald Reagan, Mr. Kerry will respond, “I served in the Senate under Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan was an enemy of mine. President Bush, you're no Ronald Reagan.”

Jonah Traylor, the Washington correspondent for the Toledo Blade, said that having a written transcript of the debate a day in advance means that he can skip the event altogether: “I might TiVo it, but probably not.” Elsewhere, after an earthquake in central California failed to cause any serious damage, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger called the 5.9 tembler “a girlie quake.”

Andy Borowitz
For more pertinent satire: The Borowitz Report http://www.borowitzreport.com

Please also see:

LOWERING EXPECTATIONS FOR DEBATE, WHITE HOUSE SAYS BUSH HAS I.Q. OF 67 Spokesman Shows Footage of President Tumbling from Bike http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=971

Are These Debates Or Synchronized Swimming? http://www.tompaine.com/articles/are_these_debates_or_synchronized_swimming.php

Tough fight over debate rules By Kevin Anderson BBC News Online in Washington Lawyers for George W Bush and John Kerry have taken weeks to hammer out a 32-page document laying out the ground rules for the upcoming US presidential election debates. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/3702124.stm

Dubious Debates/Dubious Polls http://www.accuracy.org/press_releases/PR092704.htm

Let Nader Debate http://www.petitiononline.com/ralph04/petition.html

Post-Debate Fact-Checking Is Media's Main Job http://www.fair.org/press-releases/debate-fact-checking.html

You Call This a Democracy? http://www.inthesetimes.com/site/main/article/1115

Florida Will Not Play Fair by Jimmy Carter, The Guardian The former president co-chaired a commission on elections after the 2000 debacle--and says Florida does not meet international voting standards. http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,3604,1314125,00.html

Black Voter Registration Breaking Records: But white war schizophrenia will determine election http://www.blackcommentator.com/107/107_cover_election.html

http://www.unobserver.com/layout4.php?id=1938&blz=1