Sartre Satire
French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Iraq To Convince Shias of Nonexistence of God
The ground war in Iraq heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed
plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers
into the country to destroy the morale of Shias zealots by proving the
nonexistence of God.
Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will
be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and
existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual
battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their
first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic
points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk
animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in
the universe.
They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful
girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in
the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable
to everyone else.
Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a
very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The Shias & Sunnis are caught in a logical fallacy of
the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue
out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."
Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the
films of Alfred Hitchcock. However, humanitarian agencies have been quick
to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects
passive smoking from the Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll
on civilians in the area.
Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to
the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Iraq to
propagate his non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other
tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping
of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out
and Oprah Winfrey has not died yet.
This is only one of several Psy-Ops operations mounted by the Allies to
undermine the unswerving religious fanaticism that fuels the Shia's
fighting spirit. Pentagon sources have recently confirmed rumours that
America has already sent in a 200-foot-tall robot Jesus, which roams the
Shia front lines glowing eerily and shooting flames out of its fingers
while saying, 'I am the way, the truth and the life, follow me or die.'
However, plans to have the giant Christ kick the crap out of a slightly
effeminate 80-foot Mohammed in central Bagdad were discarded as
insensitive to Muslim allies.
AI
Market Data 
Markets 
