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Monday, June 10, 2002 1:53:18 AM
Kamla Unfiltered: Stinky Situations
by Rick Kamla - Senior Editor, Fanball.com
Friday, June 7, 2002
Can you smell it? (sniff-sniff) I sure can. If you can’t, move a little closer to your computer screen. There, now you can smell it. It’s rude, isn’t it? Hey, what did you expect? That’s the suffocating stank of a dying offense.
Now that you know how it smells, let’s figure out the source of the stench and make sure we don’t step in it this summer.
There’s nothing worse than needing a touchdown from a player on a crappy/underachieving offense. To help you avoid that helpless and hopeless situation this fall, here’s an early summer whiff of stinky situations.
Baltimore Ravens
Brian Billick may be an offensive gen— Sorry, I just can’t use that tired cliché anymore. The point is that Billick may know what he’s doing, but none of his players do. At least, none of the healthy ones. Speaking of health, Jamal Lewis knows Billick’s offense, but he also knows far too much about human anatomy – and how to rehab it. Lewis holds the key to Baltimore’s offense, but it’s one of those bent keys that only occasionally unlocks the door. Neither Chris Redman nor Jeff Blake know what they’re doing, but does it even matter with Travis Taylor and Brandon Stokley starting at wide receiver? If Redman holds onto the starting quarterback job in August, defenses are going to chew him up and spit him out by October. This entire team will be lucky to score 25 touchdowns.
Denver Broncos
The poor Broncos have more questions than a game show, and that scares the living (bleep) out of me. Let’s take it player by player. Brian Griese is the Barry Bonds of pro football in that he has alienated everyone – including teammates – with his arrogance. Steve Beuerlein can barely throw on back-to-back days because of numerous elbow surgeries. Terrell Davis had yet another knee surgery in May. Olandis Gary is recovering from an ACL tear and a broken leg. Mike Anderson was switched to fullback. Rod Smith (stress fracture) and Ed McCaffrey (broken leg) are hoping to be ready for the opener. Rob Moore (ACL, hamstring) has been as active on the national scene as Pat O’Brien over the past two years. I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss an episode of “Access Hollywood.” Ashley Lelie is raw as Eddie Murphy. Jason Elam still doesn’t have a contract. That leaves Shannon Sharpe and Clinton Portis, and that isn! 6;t a lot to leave. Any questions?
Houston Texans
You saw this coming, didn’t you? Of course you did, you little fantasy expert you. Actually, even a World Cup junkie could tell you the expansion Texans are going to struggle to score this year. They have a backup (James Allen) starting at halfback and their No. 1 wide receiver (Corey Bradford) was the fifth or sixth option in Green Bay last year. David is going to be special, but Houston’s Carr won’t be ready for release until 2004.
New York Jets
Not only do the Jets have a pair of starting offensive linemen (Kevin Mawae, Dave Szott) recovering from significant injuries, and not only is Paul “Can’t” Hackett their “offensive coordinator,” and not only does this team have three No. 2 receivers, they have two quarterbacks and neither one of them can play. That’s right, I just called Vinny Testaverde washed up and Chad Pennington a wannabe. The propaganda out of NYC would have you believe this offense is going to be better in year two of Hackett’s system. There should never have been a year one. Curtis Martin has been one of my personal faves for years, but I’ll go thirsty before going back to his well in August.
Oakland Raiders
As recently as two months ago I remained high on the Raiders’ aging offense. However, I am starting to see the downside. Some say it all starts up front, but it all starts at the top in Oakland. Without Jon Gruden’s steady leadership, Rich Gannon is skipping minicamps to send a message to ownership regarding his contract. Uh, Rich, you might want to spend some time with your brand new head coach. Then again, maybe that’s just me. Gannon already has missed two minicamps, and no one knows if he’ll arrive for their next one in June. I think Gannon ultimately will report (even if the Raiders force him to play for only $2 million this season), but karma tends to catch up with millionaires who complain about feeling underpaid. (Actually, Gannon is underpaid by NFL standards, but you get the point.) The 36-year-old gunslinger has not missed a game in three years, but that fact gets me thinking he’s due to finally get hurt. Behind Gan! non? Marques Tuiasosopo and Bobby Hoying. Ouch. Tim Brown and Jerry Rice will be wishing they were in Tampa (or retirement) as early as October.
San Diego Chargers
Where should I start ripping this offense? I’ve got it. I’ll start by ripping “general manager” John Butler, who gave $30 million to “starters” Tim Dwight and Stephen Alexander in the offseason. I haven’t seen money wasted like that since Spicoli spent his reward money on a Van Halen concert – and I happen to be a closet fan of old VH. Dwight and Alexander will be lucky to combine for 80 catches, which isn’t saying much. That leaves Curtis Conway as the only legitimate downfield threat. Yes, even the bad defenses are going to figure that out and double-team S.D.C.C. Oh, and then there’s the two-headed quarterback, and the inherit controversy no one in the organization wants to talk about. I am a big fan of LaDainian Tomlinson’s ability. He should be one of the elite running backs over the next decade. However, with a mediocre offensive line and alarming instability in the passing game, LT2.0 will find himself w! orking against a stacked deck in 2002.
Washington Redskins
Go figure, huh? Completing a stinky offense article with a paragraph on Steve Inferior’s Redskins. Like some lovable old lady dying at the end of a sappy chick flick, it just had to be this way. I will say this in Inferior’s defense. If his offensive personnel were, say, light years better, I would have hope for his system in the NFL. However, when you combine his insane arrogance with “starters” like Shane Matthews, Jacquez Green, and Zeron Flemister, I just don’t see how this team can average more than 11 or 12 points per contest. Just give Inferior a little more time and he’ll make non-believers of you all.
Rick Kamla can be reached at rkamla@fanball.com
]
Breaking Clay Makes My Day!
by Rick Kamla - Senior Editor, Fanball.com
Friday, June 7, 2002
Can you smell it? (sniff-sniff) I sure can. If you can’t, move a little closer to your computer screen. There, now you can smell it. It’s rude, isn’t it? Hey, what did you expect? That’s the suffocating stank of a dying offense.
Now that you know how it smells, let’s figure out the source of the stench and make sure we don’t step in it this summer.
There’s nothing worse than needing a touchdown from a player on a crappy/underachieving offense. To help you avoid that helpless and hopeless situation this fall, here’s an early summer whiff of stinky situations.
Baltimore Ravens
Brian Billick may be an offensive gen— Sorry, I just can’t use that tired cliché anymore. The point is that Billick may know what he’s doing, but none of his players do. At least, none of the healthy ones. Speaking of health, Jamal Lewis knows Billick’s offense, but he also knows far too much about human anatomy – and how to rehab it. Lewis holds the key to Baltimore’s offense, but it’s one of those bent keys that only occasionally unlocks the door. Neither Chris Redman nor Jeff Blake know what they’re doing, but does it even matter with Travis Taylor and Brandon Stokley starting at wide receiver? If Redman holds onto the starting quarterback job in August, defenses are going to chew him up and spit him out by October. This entire team will be lucky to score 25 touchdowns.
Denver Broncos
The poor Broncos have more questions than a game show, and that scares the living (bleep) out of me. Let’s take it player by player. Brian Griese is the Barry Bonds of pro football in that he has alienated everyone – including teammates – with his arrogance. Steve Beuerlein can barely throw on back-to-back days because of numerous elbow surgeries. Terrell Davis had yet another knee surgery in May. Olandis Gary is recovering from an ACL tear and a broken leg. Mike Anderson was switched to fullback. Rod Smith (stress fracture) and Ed McCaffrey (broken leg) are hoping to be ready for the opener. Rob Moore (ACL, hamstring) has been as active on the national scene as Pat O’Brien over the past two years. I don’t know about you, but I don’t miss an episode of “Access Hollywood.” Ashley Lelie is raw as Eddie Murphy. Jason Elam still doesn’t have a contract. That leaves Shannon Sharpe and Clinton Portis, and that isn! 6;t a lot to leave. Any questions?
Houston Texans
You saw this coming, didn’t you? Of course you did, you little fantasy expert you. Actually, even a World Cup junkie could tell you the expansion Texans are going to struggle to score this year. They have a backup (James Allen) starting at halfback and their No. 1 wide receiver (Corey Bradford) was the fifth or sixth option in Green Bay last year. David is going to be special, but Houston’s Carr won’t be ready for release until 2004.
New York Jets
Not only do the Jets have a pair of starting offensive linemen (Kevin Mawae, Dave Szott) recovering from significant injuries, and not only is Paul “Can’t” Hackett their “offensive coordinator,” and not only does this team have three No. 2 receivers, they have two quarterbacks and neither one of them can play. That’s right, I just called Vinny Testaverde washed up and Chad Pennington a wannabe. The propaganda out of NYC would have you believe this offense is going to be better in year two of Hackett’s system. There should never have been a year one. Curtis Martin has been one of my personal faves for years, but I’ll go thirsty before going back to his well in August.
Oakland Raiders
As recently as two months ago I remained high on the Raiders’ aging offense. However, I am starting to see the downside. Some say it all starts up front, but it all starts at the top in Oakland. Without Jon Gruden’s steady leadership, Rich Gannon is skipping minicamps to send a message to ownership regarding his contract. Uh, Rich, you might want to spend some time with your brand new head coach. Then again, maybe that’s just me. Gannon already has missed two minicamps, and no one knows if he’ll arrive for their next one in June. I think Gannon ultimately will report (even if the Raiders force him to play for only $2 million this season), but karma tends to catch up with millionaires who complain about feeling underpaid. (Actually, Gannon is underpaid by NFL standards, but you get the point.) The 36-year-old gunslinger has not missed a game in three years, but that fact gets me thinking he’s due to finally get hurt. Behind Gan! non? Marques Tuiasosopo and Bobby Hoying. Ouch. Tim Brown and Jerry Rice will be wishing they were in Tampa (or retirement) as early as October.
San Diego Chargers
Where should I start ripping this offense? I’ve got it. I’ll start by ripping “general manager” John Butler, who gave $30 million to “starters” Tim Dwight and Stephen Alexander in the offseason. I haven’t seen money wasted like that since Spicoli spent his reward money on a Van Halen concert – and I happen to be a closet fan of old VH. Dwight and Alexander will be lucky to combine for 80 catches, which isn’t saying much. That leaves Curtis Conway as the only legitimate downfield threat. Yes, even the bad defenses are going to figure that out and double-team S.D.C.C. Oh, and then there’s the two-headed quarterback, and the inherit controversy no one in the organization wants to talk about. I am a big fan of LaDainian Tomlinson’s ability. He should be one of the elite running backs over the next decade. However, with a mediocre offensive line and alarming instability in the passing game, LT2.0 will find himself w! orking against a stacked deck in 2002.
Washington Redskins
Go figure, huh? Completing a stinky offense article with a paragraph on Steve Inferior’s Redskins. Like some lovable old lady dying at the end of a sappy chick flick, it just had to be this way. I will say this in Inferior’s defense. If his offensive personnel were, say, light years better, I would have hope for his system in the NFL. However, when you combine his insane arrogance with “starters” like Shane Matthews, Jacquez Green, and Zeron Flemister, I just don’t see how this team can average more than 11 or 12 points per contest. Just give Inferior a little more time and he’ll make non-believers of you all.
Rick Kamla can be reached at rkamla@fanball.com
] Breaking Clay Makes My Day!
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