EXCEL - The Twelve Days of Christmas Canucklehead style:
The recent announcement that the BC government has asked Donder and Blitzen to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether the Campbell government will include the North Pole in its core review.
Streamlining, said the minister responsible for corporatization, was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. It should be considered for sale to private interests. Competition and the shrinking dollar have diminished Santa's market share, and government cannot sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
Rudolph's wages will be reduced to $6 an hour since he is junior to the sled team. Cupid will have to find day-care for her calves and get a job. The minister for Social Services denies, in the strongest possible language, that he ever said single mom reindeer "never did pull their share of the load." It was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context. Comet will be taken out of foster care -- now that he is 17, he can bloody well look after himself and become a squeegee-deer.
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, will get 30% leaner but will provide no discernible loss of service. The reindeer downsizing was applauded by the Fraser Institute.
In other news -- Effective immediately, the following austerity measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" ministry:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecast. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtledoves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will be deported. Clearly, they are illegal immigrants.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system. Henceforth there will be no possible way to reach the ministry, but you can leave a message. An analysis is underway to determine whom the birds voted for, whom they had been calling, and whether they ever talked to the media.
The five golden rings will be privatized. Maintaining a portfolio based on hydropower could have negative implications for American investors. Moreover, California needs cheap power more than we do.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury we can no longer afford, particularly since they want their old barnyard back. A referendum for foxes, on the future of geese in BC, will be held in the spring. The ministry of goose affairs says 8 million dollars is not too much to pay to clarify the fox position that geese have no treaty rights but are welcome to ... um ... dinner.
The seven swans-a-swimming were obviously chosen in better times by a profligate former government. Turkeys will do. The current swans will be encouraged to find placements abroad.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the Medical Services Branch. The more militant maids complain that this a dead-end job with no upward mobility and that neither their training as milkers nor their milk is valued. Legislating the maids back to work has permitted them to consider career changes and relocation options. This has lead to a painless reduction of costs in the system.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer teach the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work forestry workers. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed forest sector workers this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings that will drop right down to the bottom line.
Studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. With Translink reducing the number of busses and routes, and Campbell, making sure there is less rider ship (since fewer people will have work to travel to) service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the Law Society seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-suing") and the Teachers' Association ("14 teachers-striking") but in these tough economic times their chances are slim.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive with slash and burn policies in other provinces. Should that happen, the Campbell Government would request that it's deputy ministers scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
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