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Saturday, May 21, 2022 8:42:49 PM
Who’s To Blame For Our Hangups About Sex?
Like most things, it’s complicated.
Good for Ruby Reign. "“And it just goes to show that our beauty standards, our ideals, are all a social
construct and we shouldn’t get bogged down feeling bad about ourselves,” she concluded."
Shannon Ashley Sep 13, 2019
Photo by Chi?n Ph?m on Unsplash
I still remember when my mother told me that I was messed up, sexually. I had recently returned to my mother’s apartment after my husband of two-and-a-half years left me for his high school sweetheart.
In a rare heart-to-heart conversation, I admitted to my mother that I had partly married my husband out of fear.
“Well, I’ve always known that you have sexual hangups,” she said.
I sat there, stunned into silence, and pretty damn certain that I would never try to confide in my mom again.
The truth was that I did have sexual hangups, but they weren’t the issues my mother was so sure about. My mom is not too different from the overbearing, religious, and mentally ill mother in Stephen King’s Carrie.
My mother has always looked at me as a rebellious, sex-crazed slut. It didn’t matter that my marriage was never even consummated because I had vaginismus .. [ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus ]. My mom made her mind up about me back when I was 12.
And it wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I began to realize just how much my “sexual hangups” had to do with my mother and the evangelical purity culture of the 90s.
---
As a sex-positive, exvangelical writer, I’ve seen a common theme emerge anytime I talk about religion’s role in sexual dysfunction.
People tend to get very angry if you suggest that certain teachings may have led to various sexual hangups. I’m seeing a lot of this lately as Josh Harris, the former poster boy of evangelical purity and biblical courtship has announced his separation from his wife and his departure from Christianity.
‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ Author Josh Harris: ‘I Am Not a Christian’ | RELEVANT Magazine
Author and former pastor Josh Harris took to Instagram this weekend to inform followers of some major changes to his…
https://relevantmagazine.com/god/i-kissed-dating-goodbye-author-josh-harris-i-am-not-a-christian/
When people like myself talk about the role Harris played in different types of sexual dysfunction among young evangelicals who read his books, other folks jump in to cry foul.
The argument goes that you can’t blame anyone else for your sexual hangups, and that any choices you made as a young person steeped in evangelicalism were wholly your own. Got married too young? Felt coerced or frightened when it came to sex?
That’s all on you.
Of course, many of the same people who claim that Josh Harris and evangelical Christianity cannot be held responsible for any damages will also argue that they can take credit for a slew of positive outcomes.
It’s fascinating how “poor choices” are all the young person’s fault while their “good choices” get attributed to outside influences like the church and various Christian books.
This is what cherry-picking is all about. Reason only applies as it suits us, right?
---
Blame is the wrong word to use when we talk about sexual hangups and the benefits of a sex-positive education. We are talking about the various factors that influence us and often lead to negative outcomes.
It’s really no different than conversations surrounding positive mental hygiene, healthy parenting, or best practices in teaching.
The actions and attitudes of people in any type of leadership may not directly force a person into certain choices. Let’s be honest and say they most often don’t force anyone to do anything.
It’s naive, however, to say that influence doesn’t matter. Or what about guilt and shame? Particularly when it comes to family and religion, the influence of authority figures can be pretty damn heavy-handed.
Likewise, it’s irresponsible to suggest that only “weak-minded” kids succumb to the unhealthy messages which lead to sexual hangups and dysfunction. Yet that’s a snide remark I see a lot of lately.
If you suggest that’s the case, I have to assume that you have no understanding of psychology and mental health.
---
Rather than playing the blame game in regards to our sex lives, what we really need to talk about is unresolved trauma. Far too many religious teachings surrounding sex and this notion of “purity” are incredibly traumatic, even though plenty of folks mean well when they teach it.
Josh Harris himself has also admitted that much of what he wrote about sex, dating, and courtship may have been rooted in fear because he was sexually abused .. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2013/05/josh-harris-reveals-childhood-abuse/ .
So, it’s not just the messages in his books which are traumatic to young readers who are taught to take them as undeniable truth. But he wrote dating instructions in his own awkward way to deal with his trauma.
It’s not uncommon to see Christians deal with their trauma by weaving it into some larger-than-life sort of religious message. But unfortunately, it’s not particularly healthy or successful.
And people with unresolved trauma will often continue to manage it in unhealthy ways, and then pass it on to others.
---
My mother and her siblings were sexually abused as young children. Her method of dealing with that trauma was to anticipate and see sexual abuse everywhere.
She also turned to evangelical Christianity, and for as long as I can remember, one of her chief concerns revolved around sexual “sin.” There are a lot of well-meaning people with fears of sexual abuse who tend to pass on unhealthy attitudes about sex to their kids.
It seems to be widespread across the various denominations of Christianity, but those in the secular world are just as capable of spreading damaging sexual views.
“Rape culture” is one facet of such damage. People point fingers at women who are victims of sexual assault by questioning what they “did” to contribute to their assault. Or, they perpetuate the myth that men cannot control their sex drives and urges.
There are so many different cultural ideas which contribute to sexual dysfunction or hangups, from erectile dysfunction to feelings of addiction, attachment issues, anorgasmia, vaginismus, and more.
I don’t believe that all unhealthy sexual beliefs stem from the patriarchy. Nor do I think most people want to have unhealthy views about sex. On the contrary, I suspect that most people mean well.
Most parents want the best for their kids. Pastors want a happy congregation. Teachers want successful students. Nobody thinks, “Hey, I really want to pass on my sexual damage (or trauma) to somebody else.”
But people do keep passing on their traumas, and we have to talk about that.
---
There are no easy answers when it comes to healing our unresolved trauma. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done and that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort.
But it does mean that we have to start some uncomfortable conversations and recognize the effects that family, religion, and culture has had on their sex lives.
Being sex-positive isn’t about blaming our parents, churches, or Josh Harris about our issues. It’s about recognizing where we have been wounded and preventing those wounds from hurting others too.
And it’s about putting your oxygen mask on first, so to speak.
No one is immune to sexual hangups, but working through our traumas with honesty so we can healthily approach sex will make a big difference.
So, let’s talk about sex, baby. But let’s be honest about it when we do.
https://medium.com/honestly-yours/whos-to-blame-for-our-hangups-about-sex-671cfb7303ca
Like most things, it’s complicated.
Good for Ruby Reign. "“And it just goes to show that our beauty standards, our ideals, are all a social
construct and we shouldn’t get bogged down feeling bad about ourselves,” she concluded."
Shannon Ashley Sep 13, 2019
Photo by Chi?n Ph?m on Unsplash
I still remember when my mother told me that I was messed up, sexually. I had recently returned to my mother’s apartment after my husband of two-and-a-half years left me for his high school sweetheart.
In a rare heart-to-heart conversation, I admitted to my mother that I had partly married my husband out of fear.
“Well, I’ve always known that you have sexual hangups,” she said.
I sat there, stunned into silence, and pretty damn certain that I would never try to confide in my mom again.
The truth was that I did have sexual hangups, but they weren’t the issues my mother was so sure about. My mom is not too different from the overbearing, religious, and mentally ill mother in Stephen King’s Carrie.
My mother has always looked at me as a rebellious, sex-crazed slut. It didn’t matter that my marriage was never even consummated because I had vaginismus .. [ https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/15723-vaginismus ]. My mom made her mind up about me back when I was 12.
And it wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I began to realize just how much my “sexual hangups” had to do with my mother and the evangelical purity culture of the 90s.
---
As a sex-positive, exvangelical writer, I’ve seen a common theme emerge anytime I talk about religion’s role in sexual dysfunction.
People tend to get very angry if you suggest that certain teachings may have led to various sexual hangups. I’m seeing a lot of this lately as Josh Harris, the former poster boy of evangelical purity and biblical courtship has announced his separation from his wife and his departure from Christianity.
‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ Author Josh Harris: ‘I Am Not a Christian’ | RELEVANT Magazine
Author and former pastor Josh Harris took to Instagram this weekend to inform followers of some major changes to his…
https://relevantmagazine.com/god/i-kissed-dating-goodbye-author-josh-harris-i-am-not-a-christian/
When people like myself talk about the role Harris played in different types of sexual dysfunction among young evangelicals who read his books, other folks jump in to cry foul.
The argument goes that you can’t blame anyone else for your sexual hangups, and that any choices you made as a young person steeped in evangelicalism were wholly your own. Got married too young? Felt coerced or frightened when it came to sex?
That’s all on you.
Of course, many of the same people who claim that Josh Harris and evangelical Christianity cannot be held responsible for any damages will also argue that they can take credit for a slew of positive outcomes.
It’s fascinating how “poor choices” are all the young person’s fault while their “good choices” get attributed to outside influences like the church and various Christian books.
This is what cherry-picking is all about. Reason only applies as it suits us, right?
---
Blame is the wrong word to use when we talk about sexual hangups and the benefits of a sex-positive education. We are talking about the various factors that influence us and often lead to negative outcomes.
It’s really no different than conversations surrounding positive mental hygiene, healthy parenting, or best practices in teaching.
The actions and attitudes of people in any type of leadership may not directly force a person into certain choices. Let’s be honest and say they most often don’t force anyone to do anything.
It’s naive, however, to say that influence doesn’t matter. Or what about guilt and shame? Particularly when it comes to family and religion, the influence of authority figures can be pretty damn heavy-handed.
Likewise, it’s irresponsible to suggest that only “weak-minded” kids succumb to the unhealthy messages which lead to sexual hangups and dysfunction. Yet that’s a snide remark I see a lot of lately.
If you suggest that’s the case, I have to assume that you have no understanding of psychology and mental health.
---
Rather than playing the blame game in regards to our sex lives, what we really need to talk about is unresolved trauma. Far too many religious teachings surrounding sex and this notion of “purity” are incredibly traumatic, even though plenty of folks mean well when they teach it.
Josh Harris himself has also admitted that much of what he wrote about sex, dating, and courtship may have been rooted in fear because he was sexually abused .. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2013/05/josh-harris-reveals-childhood-abuse/ .
So, it’s not just the messages in his books which are traumatic to young readers who are taught to take them as undeniable truth. But he wrote dating instructions in his own awkward way to deal with his trauma.
It’s not uncommon to see Christians deal with their trauma by weaving it into some larger-than-life sort of religious message. But unfortunately, it’s not particularly healthy or successful.
And people with unresolved trauma will often continue to manage it in unhealthy ways, and then pass it on to others.
---
My mother and her siblings were sexually abused as young children. Her method of dealing with that trauma was to anticipate and see sexual abuse everywhere.
She also turned to evangelical Christianity, and for as long as I can remember, one of her chief concerns revolved around sexual “sin.” There are a lot of well-meaning people with fears of sexual abuse who tend to pass on unhealthy attitudes about sex to their kids.
It seems to be widespread across the various denominations of Christianity, but those in the secular world are just as capable of spreading damaging sexual views.
“Rape culture” is one facet of such damage. People point fingers at women who are victims of sexual assault by questioning what they “did” to contribute to their assault. Or, they perpetuate the myth that men cannot control their sex drives and urges.
There are so many different cultural ideas which contribute to sexual dysfunction or hangups, from erectile dysfunction to feelings of addiction, attachment issues, anorgasmia, vaginismus, and more.
I don’t believe that all unhealthy sexual beliefs stem from the patriarchy. Nor do I think most people want to have unhealthy views about sex. On the contrary, I suspect that most people mean well.
Most parents want the best for their kids. Pastors want a happy congregation. Teachers want successful students. Nobody thinks, “Hey, I really want to pass on my sexual damage (or trauma) to somebody else.”
But people do keep passing on their traumas, and we have to talk about that.
---
There are no easy answers when it comes to healing our unresolved trauma. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done and that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort.
But it does mean that we have to start some uncomfortable conversations and recognize the effects that family, religion, and culture has had on their sex lives.
Being sex-positive isn’t about blaming our parents, churches, or Josh Harris about our issues. It’s about recognizing where we have been wounded and preventing those wounds from hurting others too.
And it’s about putting your oxygen mask on first, so to speak.
No one is immune to sexual hangups, but working through our traumas with honesty so we can healthily approach sex will make a big difference.
So, let’s talk about sex, baby. But let’s be honest about it when we do.
https://medium.com/honestly-yours/whos-to-blame-for-our-hangups-about-sex-671cfb7303ca
It was Plato who said, “He, O men, is the wisest, who like Socrates, knows that his wisdom is in truth worth nothing”
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