Tornado Alley (PROG)

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How hard would one have to pull to get Trump’s head out of Wayne LaPierre’s ass? #NeverAgain #NRABoycott

From Helen:

Margaret, I’ve really started to enjoy this whole Twitter thing. It’s short and sweet. And you know me honey, I’m nothing if I’m not fat and mean. No wait…

Anyway, I was looking around at all the different tweets and I came across one about Ann Coulter. My old nemesis has been pretty irrelevant for years, but I couldn’t resist because it just made me laugh. Someone tweeted the question: Does Ann Coulter have to be crated on Delta flights or could you make the case that she is a comfort pet? I’m going to say yes to the former, but no to the latter.

It got me wondering, however, about what Ann has been up to these days. Apparently she is using her 3rd grade writing skills to make the case that a mass deportation of immigrants would result in mass shootings being reduced by half. She likes the word mass. Me too. If we had a mass deportation of old, white racists, I bet we would see a mass decrease in Ann Coulter readers and probably a mass NRA membership reduction of about half. I’m sure the other half are responsible hunters who still think the NRA is about them. Unless of course they’re hunting deer with an AR-15. Then they are just assholes.

The NRA membership is less than 2% of the population and yet the NRA owns 100% of Republican politicians. They do not represent gun owners. They lobby to protect the profits of gun manufacturers. For heaven’s sake, more people have read our blog and Margaret and I are nobodies.

I don’t encourage you to read what Ann writes, but if you did I’m sure you would be scratching your head like me and asking yourself how does she do it. How does she make a living writing books when she is so absolutely terrible at it? Honestly, if 50 monkeys typed for 50 days hitting keys at random they would most definitely type three of her books.

Ann’s logic, or lack thereof, is that some mass shooters have ancestors who were immigrants. Ann seems to forget that we all have ancestors who were immigrants. In fact, if we had a mass deportation of people born from immigrants, we would see a sharp decline in the number of poorly written, conservative books by an author who has to shop for shoes at a specialty store.

But enough about Big Foot… I mean Ann. You know who I really can’t stand now? That horrible NRA spokesperson, Dana Loesch, who thinks CNN and MSNBC love mass shootings because crying white mothers are “ratings gold”. I really didn’t think there was anyone more pathetic than Ann Coulter, but I don’t hang around in sewers so I had never heard of Ms. Loesch before. Honestly, she looks like something the dog has been hiding under the porch, so I’m not sure I want to get to know her. I have no idea if she’s as dumb as Ann, so I’m going to call her bluff and see if she is correct. Let’s ban all assault weapons and see if CNN and MSNBC go off the air because mass shootings become a thing of the past. Do we have a deal? The balls in your court, Dana. Actually it’s under the porch with you and the dog.

And speaking of that idiot Ann Coulter – OK bad segue but any chance to call Ann an idiot is ratings gold for me. And speaking of that idiot Ann Coulter, I wonder where she stands on the orange asshole. For or against? I assume she is pro Trump, but again she’s been irrelevant so long I’m not sure. She hates immigrants. He hates immigrants. She loves guns. He loves guns. She sort of looks like a man. He sort of looks like a man. She has affairs with porn stars. He has affairs with porn stars. No wait. I honestly can’t back that last one up with any factual evidence. And while both she and Trump don’t believe in facts, I hold myself to a higher standard. So I issue this corrected statement: I have no idea if a porn star would actually sleep with Ann Coulter. However, I stand by my statement about porn stars sleeping with Trump. Sometimes they even marry him.

Now, where was I going with this? Oh yes. Stupidity. Is Ann more stupid than Trump or is Trump more stupid than Dana? I’m going to say no to the former and yes to the latter. There is no stupidity like Trump stupidity, although Ann and Dana come close.

Arming teachers with guns is really your answer? Are you kidding me? And to make it sweeter, Trump says we’ll give them “a little bit of a bonus.” Dear Lord in Heaven, but there is no bullshit like orange bullshit. Well, as long as we’re not going to take the issue seriously, why don’t we give guns to Delta Flight Attendants so they can put down Ann Coulter when she goes off on them again. By the way, Delta, thank you for stopping your discounts to NRA members. Not only does it put you on the right side of history, it ensures more people like Ann won’t have to be crated on your flights.

Way back before the election, during the presidential debates, Hillary Clinton suggested that Donald Trump wanted guns in school classrooms. Trump called her Crooked Hillary and said she was WRONG! He frequently tweets and speaks in ALL CAPS because he’s a moron. Anyway, I digress. The fact is, he lied. But are we really surprised? Trump has led a life of greed, adultry, racism and deceit – all verifiable. Why did we think his presidency would be any different? #MAGA is a joke.

I have an idea, Mr. Trump. How about you pull your head out of Wayne LaPierre’s ass and we just ban assault rifles and give all teachers a bonus to cover the cost of their classroom supplies. But if you are really going to ask them to carry guns to protect students, then how about we cap their salaries at the same level we cap secret service agents – that’s about $160,000 per year. Or, like I said earlier, we could just ban assault rifles. Wait a minute. Let me holler that down Wayne LaPierre’s throat so you can hear me.

Donald Trump actually needed notes to remind him how to be sympathetic to teens who survived a mass shooting. Somebody please find the Tin Man and see if he will give Donald a heart. And while we’re at it, let’s work on a Scarecrow with a spare brain.

Have all Republicans lost their minds? Why are you trying to create a world where more guns is the answer? Why aren’t we trying to find a solution that results in less guns? Considering how much you increased military spending, I’m pretty sure the need for an unregulated, redneck militia has been mitigated. Red Dawn was just a movie… oh crap. Russia. I forgot about Trump colluding with Russia. Well damn, my argument was pretty good until now.

Ok. Let me try again. NRA lovers like Dana say that it wasn’t the gun, it was Nikolas Cruz that killed 17 people. Well, I’m pretty sure if Nikolas Cruz had simply shown up with a pea shooter, that brave Emma Gonzalez would have punched him the face. The NRA is right. Guns don’t kill people. They just make it a hell of a lot easier.

How about we make it less easy for school children to be slaughtered. Ban assault rifles. I mean it. Really.

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