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See Matt, you CAN have it all. NOW LET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Here's Barbie. Can I get out of the Jailhouse now?
And what is it you wanted that you did not get my little drooling audiophile?
[Suppressed Sound Link]
Matts Secret
Ohhhh my head. Too much eggnog. Hey, where am I? What's this Jailhouse? Who put me here? What is this place?
[Suppressed Sound Link]
Matts Secret
SECRET SANTA (Ergo Sum)
Christmas Angels
by P.Z. Mann
The Whittles lived in Humbleburg,
As poor as poor can be,
But all their neighbors loved them,
For their generosity.
For though the Whittles' shelves were bare,
Their cottage tumbledown,
When Christmas came they made a toy,
For every child in town.
One Christmas Eve they climbed in bed,
After all the toys were made;
And while they dreamed of better times,
The Whittles were repaid.
That night three Christmas angels came,
To give them a reward --
For heaven won't let any act
Of kindness be ignored.
One angel searched the cupboard
And found just a crust of bread;
"Now, this won't do", she whispered,
"Let's prepare a feast instead!"
The angels flapped their magic wings,
As only they are able,
And in a flash a flood of food
Filled all the shelves and table!
The tiny house still looked quite drab,
It needed to be cheered;
And as the angels waved their wings,
A Christmas tree appeared!
Two angels trimmed the pretty tree;
The third flew to and fro,
Hanging bells and holly boughs,
And sprigs of mistletoe.
Outside, the angels dressed the house
With icicles and snow,
And on the door they placed a wreath,
Complete with a bright red bow!
They finished all they came to do,
Before the break of day,
And as the Whittles roused from sleep,
The angels flew away.
Now, when the Whittles saw the food
And all the decoration,
They pinched themselves and wept for joy,
Then danced in celebration!
As word spread through the village
Of their heaven-sent surprise;
Every Humbleburger came
To see with their own two eyes!
The Whittles shared their Christmas feast-
They emptied all the shelves;
Their kindness wouldn't let them keep
Good fortune to themselves.
When everyone had cleaned their plate,
They all joined in a song;
And up above-though no one heard-
The angels sang along!
Ergo Sum....My very best wishes to you this Christmas Day.
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (skeballlarry)
May your closest friends
Be ever near -
To make your Christmas
One of Cheer.
Best wishes from Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (Koikaze)
T'was the night before Christmas,
and all through the Shack,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a rack...of ribs.
Then I heard something on the roof,
it must have been a hoof.
I gotta outta bed,
but then I hit me head.
I got back up and scratched my noggin,
man how I wanted a tobagan.
I peeked out the window to see,
but I saw an old big man taking a pee.
I was as proud as I could be,
Santa was taking a pee on my new frisbee.
I took that frisbee filled with pee,
and put it in a jar just for me.
Now I show everyone I pick,
the stuff that came out of St. Nick's dick.
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Janice Shell)
On this day when little children are all excited, there are some that just would like to enjoy a warm and healthy day in the sunshine. In hopes of making their dream come true a donation has been made to,
The Association of the Hole in the Wall Camps serves existing Hole in the Wall Camps and those in development. Last year, the five existing camps served nearly 7,000 seriously ill children. With additional camps in development, that number will grow to over 9,000 by 2005.
Each camp is a separate entity expanding founder Paul Newman's dream to provide a recreational and therapeutic camping experience for children with serious illnesses. While at camp, these children discover the joys of childhood often missed during extended medical treatment. All children attend the camps free of charge as a result of generous contributions from individuals, corporations, foundations and other organizations.
http://www.holeinthewallcamps.org/about.cfm
Come next summer on a warm summer day, a little boy or girl will have your Secret Santa to thank.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (Cytotekk)
Who can turn the world on with her style
Who can take a Christmas day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile
Well it's you girl and you should know it
With each post you've made and every new one you show it
Love is all around, you always make it
You deserve a smile, why don't you take it
Take off and go out to the mall
You're such a great girl after all!
[Suppressed Sound Link]
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (Janice Shell)
Friend,
When you are sad,..... I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you smile, ..... I'll know you finally got revenge.
When you are blue, ..... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you are scared, ..... I'll rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, .....I'll tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
When you are confused, ..... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ..... stay away from me until you're well again. I DON'T want whatever you have.
When you fall, ..... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, .....I pledge 'til the end.
Why, you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
P.S. A friend will help you move. A really GOOD friend will help you move a body.
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (SoxFan)
It is Christmas Eve and Soxy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
Soxy explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"
"Would you?" Soxy replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"
Father Christmas promises him:
"You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend."
"You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking."
"You shall go to your bank and you will be one million dollars in credit & you will have no outstanding bills."
"Oh thank you, thank you!" says Soxy. "What is it that I can do for you?"
Father Christmas asks Soxy to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal #######, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks Soxy how old he is.
"51" replies Soxy.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (dropdeadfred)
Click on the link and run your cursor over the bears.
Merry Christmas!
http://www.nobodyhere.com/toren.hier
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Churak)
Christmas with Louise
This article was submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. The story that follows won first prize:
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, and we filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duck tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Cassandra)
http://www.afreegreetingcard.com/postcards/java/flash/santadance_with_pants.shtml
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (Cytotekk)
Colleen, I'm always on the lookout for you, and here you can have your choice!
Also, some famous cats through history
Manet's Cats
Picasso and Miro's Cats
Matisse's Cat
Munch's Cat
David Hockney's Cat
Gauguin's Cat
van Gogh's Bad Cat
Georgia O'Keeffe's Cat
Miro's Cat
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (Lownumba)
Some Christmas wishes for you
.................................................
Most important of all.......May the BFL not leave you stranded again!!!!
Merry Octogenarian Christmas to you and Mabel!
The Elves at Secret Santa’s Workshop
SECRET SANTA (skeballlarry)
[Suppressed Sound Link]
Have a wonderful day!
Your Secret Santa
SECRET SANTA (AKvetch)
We all know the poster known as AKvetch
He has been here for awhile
He's the quickest finder of any gif
And he is sure to make us smile
If you have a question
If you need advice
AK is the person that will help you
Because he is just so nice!
I hope you and yours Have a very Happy Holiday AK!!!
SECRET SANTA (dropdeadfred)
I looked far and wide for something I know you will appreciate considering you're building a new truck.
TRUCK NUTZ are a high quality, automotive accessory that hang from any bumper and let you show the world your nuts. So the next time someone tells you that your rig has no guts, just tell them, "that's ok cause I've got truck nutz!"
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
SECRET SANTA (fung_derf)
I once knew a boy named Fung Derf
He caused me to fall into mirth
His words were so fine
His syntax sublime
Oh why must I laugh all the time?
We beg him to come to New York
Yet he'd rather stay put in South Fork
Why 'O why must he be
Such a mystery to me
Is he even a he or a she?
The holidays come and they go
Fung Derf he's the star of the show
I've given up hope
That we'll ever elope
Oh how will I learn how to cope?
Happy Chanukah Derfie... Love you tons!
SECRET SANTA (fung_derf)
For all the money you lost on PCBM I thought this money tree might help:
Happy Holidays
SECRET SANTA (Churak)
I saw this and it had you written all over it. Enjoy and please don't thank me!
THE HOOTER SHOOTER
Enjoy drinking from our sexy pole dancer shooter glass. Box packaging features over 15 suggestive drink recipes. But if you want to go with the classic, here's a good recipe for an actual Hooter Shooter:
Equal parts of; Vodka, Amaretto, Grenadine & Orange juice
Shake over ice, Strain into Rocks or Shot glass
Happy Holidays
SECRET SANTA (Lownumba)
I've looked all over the place for something that is practical for you to use considering your age and I hope you appreciate this gift:
MOVE OVER ROVER!
BONER THE HUMPING HOUND IS BRINGING SOME STIFF COMPETITION!!!
Boner is excited to see you! Boner The Humping Hound will have you and your friends howling with laughter with his unique brand of affection! Just clip Boner's front paws to any object, squeeze his back paw and watch as this dirty dog barks and gyrates in the classic pooch pose! Battery operation lets you take Boner anywhere...
IN THE NURSING HOME: Show off your BONER at the water cooler.
AT YOUR NEXT PARTY: Bring your BONER to the dance floor.
IN YOUR WHEELCHAIR: Share your BONER with the entire world! Even Mabel!
SECRET SANTA (Tate202)
SECRET SANTA (Tate202)
Dear Ms. Tate:
We are pleased to have you dine at any of our
fine establishments. Please bring your enclosed
gift any time you visit.
The New York Restaurant Association
SECRET SANTA (Tate, Susie, Colleen)
3 Wise Women
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise
Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver
the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought
practical gifts.
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (SoxFan)
Holiday Politics -- How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote? Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to pan-handlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement.
Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to
shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-WingRepublicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts...and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually
discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the
week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democratic men like to watch football while their wives,
girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians".
Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they
stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (occams razor)
Murphy's Laws Of Christmas Presents
1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
5. If it fits, the color is never right
6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Churak)
Santa Goes On Atkins Diet
Cookies and milk out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in
North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday
press conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is
asking for help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are
allowed to consume large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs,
beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates, which are found in pasta, breads,
and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not
fit into the pants he wore to deliver gifts last year.
"I couldn't bring myself to buy new pants, and I haven't had a good
body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said Claus.
"Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but being
a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a part in his decision to lose weight.
An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus "is
getting more and more involved" with day-to-day operations,
especially as Christmas nears. "She pretty much runs the toy
factory, and she is making all the elves work a lot of overtime.
Plus, she made us all sign waivers saying we wouldn't sue if we
got injured on the job. Now, Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins
diet? I guarantee that is her doing. She's a real pain in the
ass. We've all started calling her 'Yoko'".
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he
delivers gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not
grossly obese. And, says Claus, he needs everyone's help to stick
to his diet.
"I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that
are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the
traditional snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good
alternatives are scrambled eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken."
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but
think that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and
tradition of Christmas.
"I think it's great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds", says
holiday expert Michelle Bosler. "But a great Christmas traditions
is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates
back hundreds of years. I don't think families will enjoy
scrambling eggs or broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much.
And these low carbohydrate snacks are much more expensive than a
couple of store bought cookies."
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet.
"I'm going to do this. I've tried other diets, and I just can't
stick to them. I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake?
Tastes like liquefied wood."
North Pole spokesperson Sandy Ashton said that if families are
uncomfortable leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to
leave no snack at all.
"We'd rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high
in carbohydrates. For families who don't wish to leave a low-carb
snack, we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa,
or some bourbon, which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting
is difficult, and he needs support if he is going to succeed."
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (NovoMira)
'Twas just before Santy came,
the story is told.
Cattle weren't stirrin', fact they's
bunched against the cold.
The tack was hung near the
chuckwagon with care.
Why, we didn't know Santy was
close anywhere.
Cowboys on the ground were
wishin' for their beds
While nightmares of wild steers
ran through their heads.
'Tween now and the next gather,
we needed a nap.
Cookie had just finished, and
tied down the flap.
When out past the cavvy, there
rose such a fuss,
I sprang to my feet, leavin'
the bedroll a muss,
And grabbin' my shotgun and my
ragged ol' hat
I run t'ward the racket thinkin'
"...what'n thunder's that?"
When thoughts of amazement
through my head courses,
It was a buckboard teamed up
with draft horses,
A driver in red buckskins, so
spry and dainty,
I know'd in an instant, it
must be ol' Santy.
Quicker than jackrabbits, them
horses they came,
And, he's shoutin' commands to
each one by name...
"Get a step, Joe!. One more, Prince!.
On, Big Ed!
Pick it up, Sam! Tighten up, Lou!
On, Old Ned!
Don't spook the cavvy, back away
from them pens,
You're a pullin' this wagon like a
bunch of ol' hens!
Now, when I haul on these lines
I mean to stop.
Hold up in this cow-camp like a
ton of cow flop!"
They sat down in their riggin',
like I knew they would,
With a wagon of goodies ... made
of leather and wood.
Then, in a twinklin'
with no further delay,
He said, "Back it up, boys, this
here ain't no sleigh".
I couldn't believe my ears,
and lookin' around,
Off that wagon ol' Santy came
with a bound.
He was short, and his chinks
reached near to his toes.
He was happy and fat, with
a little red nose.
There was a ton of packages
and some new tack,
And, ol' Santy was carryin' it
all on his back.
His eyes sort of bloodshot,
much like a cherry,
From 'rastlin' them horses
clean across the prairie.
His lips was plumb puckered,
his mouth drawn and droll,
(Mine got that way, the day I
swallered my Skoal.)
He was holdin' a piggin' string
tight in his teeth,
Not fer' tie down, but for tyin'
'up' a fine wreath.
His head was too big and he
had a round belly,
No doubt derived from eatin'
Texas Chili.
He's chubby and plump all right,
I'd say quite jolly.
I laughed plumb out loud when
I seen him, by golly.
He winked his bloodshot eye,
and spat 'tween his lips,
And, it made me to know we
were all in the chips.
He weren't much for chatter,
just done what was due,
Givin' presents and goodies
to the whole durn crew.
Then, he stuck his finger in
his wee little ear,
Wallered it around and said,
"We're through bein' here".
He fled to the wagon, and his
team called 'em up,
"Come on you swaybacks ... what's
the dad-burn holdup?
We won't be back till next year
'cause we're flat broke.
Merry Christmas, my eye,
I just busted a spoke!"
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA
Chanukah Songs That Never Quite Caught On
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
TOS'd for Privacy disclosure
SECRET SANTA (Koikaze)
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets,
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder,
The screen-saver turned on, the weather was colder.
And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse,
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter,
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...
The glow from the screen on the keyboard below,
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer.
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick,
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.
More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.
As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive.
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew,
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine,
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.
As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown,
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer,
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er.".
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.
His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF,
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
The stump of a routine he held tight in his code,
And I knew he had made it past the last node.
He spoke not a word but looked right at me,
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He went straight to his work without saying a word,
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled.
He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire,
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.
But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (BullNBear52)
Little Johnny's Christmas
A Little Johnny went to sit on Santa's lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
Little Johnny answered, "A damn swingset in the backyard."
"Excuse me?" said Santa.
"I want a damn swingset in my backyard," repeated Little Johnny.
Santa said, "You'll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something.
Let's try again. What else do you want?"
Little Johnny answered, "A damn sandbox for the side yard."
"You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?"
Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, "I want a damn trampoline in
the front yard."
Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. "I'm sorry son, I can't give
anything to someone who talks like you do. I'm not bringing you anything for
Christmas."
Santa then called Johnny's parents over and told them what had happened. They
apologized profusely, saying they didn't understand why he talked like that,
and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck.
"I know how to stop it," Santa said. "Don't get him anything for Christmas.
Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the
swingset, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another
pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of
it."
The parents agreed.
Christmas morning the kids head downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs
out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door,
looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and
comes back in, looking upset.
"What's wrong, son?" asked his father. "What did Santa bring you?"
Little Johnny answered, "He brought me a damn dog, but I can't find him!"
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Churak)
Charming
Happy
Unbelievably funny
Rabble rouser
Atkins Groupie
King
No matter how you spell it, you're the best!
Happy Holidays to you and the wifey!
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (Tate)
Thank you so much for this wonderful Secret Santa idea Tate!
You have mentioned your five daughters in many of your posts and it is apparent that you are a wonderful mother.
During this holiday season a donation has been made to the Mother's Against Drunk Driving "Home Safely for the Holidays" Campaign.
Have a wonderful and safe Christmas and a very Happy and Healthy 2004!
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (fung_derf)
You may dislike the Yankees
The Big Apple is not your cup of tea
But don't count out all NYers'
Remember, you haven't ever met ME!
We've been friends for 3 years now
But I really don't have a clue
If you walked past me in the street
I wouldn't know it was you.
I am happy to have the distinction
Of sending you your first e-mail
I wanted you to know
That your posts were not to no avail
During this Channukah Season Derfie
May your smile be big and wide
May all of your wishes come true
And health and happiness be on your side
I hope I'm a better friend than a poet!!!!!
Happy Holidays Derfie!!!
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop
SECRET SANTA (occams razor)
The History of the Christmas Carol
"The Twelve Days of Christmas"
During the centuries when it was a crime to be Catholic and to practice one's faith, in public or private, in Ireland and England "The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written as a "catechism song" to help young Catholics learn the beliefs of their faith. It was a memory aid-when being caught with anything in writing indicating adherence to the Catholic faith could not only get you imprisoned, it could get you hanged.
The songs gifts are hidden meanings to the teachings of the faith. The "true love" mentioned in the song doesn't refer to an earthly suitor, it refers to God himself. The "me" who receives the presents refers to every baptized person.
A Partridge in a pear tree = Jesus Christ, the son of God.
Two turtle doves = The Old and New Testaments
Three french hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the theological virtues.
Four calling birds = The four Gospels and/or the four Evangelists.
Five golden rings = The first five books of the Old Testament (The Pentateuch).
Six geese a-laying = Six days of creation.
Seven swans a swimming = The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven Sacraments.
Eight maids a-milking = The eight Beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing = The nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit (sometimes also listed as the nine classifications of angels).
Ten lords a-leaping = The Ten Commandments.
Eleven pipers piping = The eleven faithful apostles.
Twelve drummers drumming = The twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed.
So, how do you say Merry Christmas in Irish, you ask?
Nollaig Shona Duit ('null-ig hun-a dit')
SECRET SANTA (WTMHouston)
Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and
Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and
Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and
Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and
Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and
Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and
Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:
"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and
Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.
Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:
Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!
The Elves at Secret Santa's Workshop