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Current Norton rebates at Staples. I've seen even better at Fry's. FWIW.
http://www.staples.com/catalog/search/Search_Sum.asp?PageType=2&SearchPageType=2&cromulent=&...
Thanks Koi, but I should only get credit for finding them (and posting without attribution <g>). I certainly don't write them. I figured you would like #1 on the list. AK
Oxymorons
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
And The Number One Top Oxymoron
1. Microsoft Works 5
Tools, top right corner; then "My Settings"
Setting your refresh rate: #msg-447562
Personal to Matt, see #msg-427943
For you, I suppose the very last line could read: "Bring KKD." AK
Uhh, pony tail, tie-dye shirt, and a pocket protector? AK
Hey, BoP, 1 out of 2 ain't bad <g>.
#msg-445410
deleted
Ah, gee, all that spam, and you mis-spelled duct tape each and every time <g>.
New quiz: How's your Bible knowledge?
(Originally from the Vancouver Sun. Actual answers given by elementary school students on a Bible knowledge test. The test covered the Old as well as the New Testament.)
1. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
2. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.
3. Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide, to get the Ten Commandments.
4. The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
5. Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
6. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
7. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 Decibels.
8. The epistles were the wifes of the apostles.
9. One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
10. Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
11. David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
12. A man should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
13. Finally, the Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathetic genitals.
Nice try MM...here 'tis: ... there was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
AK
I do believe you have plagerized in your post, but while I'm researching it, you, as a math person, will have to struggle with this:
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove
that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the
squaws of the other two hides.
MM, then there was the 3-legged dog who walked into the bar and loudly announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
(drum roll, please)
AK
You've exhausted my repertoire. <vbg>
Venus de Fido?
Score 1 point for MM. And the final one for the day, the no arms, no legs guy hung on your wall.
Here's a few more "unusual" flavors:
http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/japano/0207/ice-cream/1.html
Gosh, you know all of these! How 'bout the no arms, legs guy at your front door? Even MM should get this one! <g>
bb, you got that old one. How 'bout what do you call a guy with no arm or legs floating in your pool?
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though; I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
And what do you call an Asian lady with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a lady with one leg?
(grub)
Poet, I'm not quite sure of the allusion you are making with the Salvation Army, but isn't their motto "J---s Saves"?. I know you know I've saved a few jokes, but I've hardly "saved" anyone from having to listen to them. Go on, please explain yourself...<g> AK
Whoops, checked your profile. I put this one up on the Jokes thread a while ago. Just let me know how true it is <g>. AK
================
Castaway
An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her, "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. Nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."
"But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But enough of that. Where do you live?"
Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still. How about a Piña Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused.
When he returned, the woman greeted him wearing nothing but vines strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these months."
She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing -- this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
"You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?
sarals, I probably can pick on you too. Just tell me a little about yourself. AK
Poet, there is a bit of a difference. At Fort Knox they don't share the gold. <g> AK
Bob, Matt: How come you are not in Las Vegas?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/2168695.stm
Samuel Adams? How about Tutankhamen Ale? and as to Old Kingdom Beer, guess we will have to wait...
(link has photos)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/2169957.stm
Did King Tut sup on the Old Kingdom recipe?
A Japanese beer maker has taken a 4,400-year-old recipe from Egyptian hieroglyphics and produced what it claims is a brew fit for the Pharaohs.
The Kirin Brewery Co. has called the concoction Old Kingdom Beer.
It has no froth, is the colour of dark tea and carries an alcohol content of 10% - about double most contemporary beers.
Sakuji Yoshimura, an Egyptologist at Waseda University in Tokyo, helped transcribe the recipe from Egyptian wall paintings.
Kirin spokesman Takaomi Ishii said: 'It has a taste very different from today's beer. It tastes a little like white wine.'
The beer is based on barley, but does not use hops, which give modern beer its bitter taste, Mr Ishii said.
Drinkers will have to stick to normal ales. Old Kingdom is not for sale
However, don't expect the brew to be drawn from a pump in your local.
Kirin has no plans to sell Old Kingdom commercially, and said it developed the beer for research purposes.
The 36 litres (eight gallons) brewed in the current batch will be presented at a conference of the Master Brewers Association of America in Texas in October.
Evidence of beer making in Egypt dates back to the 10th century BC.
In 1996, British beer maker Scottish and Newcastle sold a limited edition, 1,000-bottle batch of beer brewed according to an ancient Egyptian recipe.
A bottle of its Tutankhamen Ale sold for £50 ($78).
Poet, on the subject of nutrition, thought you might be interested in this:
Subject: Nutrition
Here's the final word on nutrition and health. What a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies....
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion:
Eat and drink whatever you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Have you changed the webserver yet? If so, your "Note" is unncessary; if not, perhaps you will change the time, or put in a.m. or p.m. FWIW
I hate it when that happens...
512k helps, but this stuff is better....
This is very unusual for me. I'm not generally inclined to pass on financial advice, but yesterday I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo that they are on the verge of launching a new herbalremedy that they think will take the market by storm.
The drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest you consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called "Gingko Viagra". Its function is to help you remember what the f--k you are doing.
Two math students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist and a mathematician were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The mathematician said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Mathematician: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
You shoulda said "farrier", not Fournier, and of the two French Fournier's that you indistinguishably allude to, one was a socialist, and the other was a, gasp, I cannot utter the word, but perhaps my next post will give you an idea. <g>