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The Perfect Pastor
===============
The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.
He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone's feelings.
He works from 8 AM until midnight and is also the church janitor.
The perfect pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a
good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church.
He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience.
Above all, he is handsome.
The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers,
and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.
He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a
sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.
He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be
handy when needed.
The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of
its committees. He never misses the meeting of any church
organization and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The perfect pastor is always in the next church over!
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to
six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too.
Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top
of the list.
If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.
One of them should be perfect.
Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got
its old pastor back in less than three months.
~by Father McGinn~
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/4035.htm
Sign up for free daily email inspiration at http://www.mountainwings.com/
New Texas Quarters
WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.
The U.S.Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each
state.
"We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday.
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not
work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or
other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined
the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which
was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and
the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
#msg-2280910
Best of the bunch, imo:
Business Week blurb
Here's a link to a scan of BW:
http://www.villagephotos.com/viewpubimage.asp?id_=7808822&selected=758504
excel,
Excellent. That's a keeper.
Excel, Got that in an email once. It is a very good read.
Heard a story on Paul Harvey news yesterday about the parting of the Red Sea. Have you heard / read this?
Scientist dissects parting of Red Sea, finds perfect storm
By Jennifer Harper
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
A Russian scientist has announced that one of the Old Testament's most monumental events — Moses' parting of the Red Sea — was due to stormy weather and a shallow reef rather than divine intervention.
"I am convinced that God rules the Earth through the laws of physics," Naum Volzinger told the Moscow Times on Wednesday.
The senior researcher at St. Petersburg's Institute of Oceanology spent six months studying the tides, winds and reefs common to the Red Sea, then developed a series of differential equations to chart out the parting of the waters, as detailed in Exodus 14.
"And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the Lord caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided," the King James Version of the Bible states.
Mr. Volzinger determined that if a strong wind blew at 30 meters per second over a shallow reef, then yes, it could have blown that reef dry. He also calculated it would have taken the fleeing Jews about four hours to make their crossing.
Of course, explaining away the miracles and mysteries of the Bible is a perennial favorite among scientific researchers, who find a ready audience for such things.
Oceanographer Mr. Volzinger studied the conditions on a reef in the northern part of the Gulf of Suez, which some scholars believe is the site where Moses miraculously parted the Red Sea.
Some 3,500 years ago, the reef was much closer to the surface, Mr. Volzinger said.
He set about calculating how much wind speed would have been needed to blow the water from the formation at low tide, how long the area would stay dry and how quickly the seas would come crashing back.
"It would take the Jews — there were 600,000 of them — four hours to cross the 7-kilometer reef that runs from one coast to another. Then, in a half-hour, the waters would come back."
But the scientist, who specializes in oceanic phenomena, admitted that his approach was "strictly from Isaac Newton's point of view," adding that he had yet to inform any religious organizations about his findings.
http://washingtontimes.com/national/20040122-113947-8632r.htm
"Your money, or your life." We know what to do when a burglar makes this demand of us, but not when God does. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
Excel, re: Garth
"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.
Garth Brooks"
God answers all prayers. Many times He says, "NO." He has a better plan.
A local preacher claims some prayers aren't answered because you won't shut up long enough for God to get a word in edgewise. Prayer should be a talk with God, not at Him.
IBZT Investors Business Daily
#msg-2235194
arthritis60,
You are absolutely right. Ephesians 6:4 "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."
Many will race around trying to childproof the world. True parenting involves "worldproofing" the child.
Words of Wisdom
===============
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in
the middle of it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Cooking lesson #1: don't fry bacon in the nude.
Drive carefully.
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
If you eat a live toad in the morning, you can just about be
guaranteed nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of
the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never eat yellow snow.
Never pet a burning dog.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school,
you'll be working for them in the future.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Borrowed from Mountain Wings
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/4026.htm
Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life
Texas Church Cards People Who Patronize Adult Stores
Sun Jan 25,11:35 AM ET
By Lianne Hart Times Staff Writer
KENNEDALE, Texas — It's 2:30 on a Thursday afternoon, and inside a windowless adult video store a dozen people are perusing XXX-rated movie titles. Pastor Jim Norwood surmises this because he has photographed the customers' cars in the parking lot, carefully adjusting his digital camera so that each license plate is in focus.
Each car owner will soon get a postcard in the mail from Norwood's Oakcrest Family Church. On the front will be a color photo of their vehicle in the video store parking lot. On the back will be a note: "Observed you in the neighborhood. Didn't know if you were aware there is a church in the area … please stop by next time. We'd love to have you visit."
Norwood, 56, who says he is a reformed drug abuser on a mission to rid the town of sexually oriented businesses, calls the postcards an "invitation to church."
Steven Swander, a lawyer for an adult business in the area, calls it intimidation. "To me the question is, are they doing it really to communicate their message, or are they trying to blackmail people, in a way, by embarrassing them?" Swander asked.
The distinction matters little to Norwood. "I want these people to know someone is noticing them," he said, chomping on a piece of gum. "If they're going to come to my neighborhood, I have a right to go into theirs."
Norwood's campaign against adult businesses picks up on a theme that began four years ago when Kennedale — a Fort Worth suburb — annexed 58 acres of unincorporated land. With the expansion came five sexually oriented businesses that the city then tried to force out.
The businesses sued in federal court, claiming violations of free expression. Three of the businesses have since settled their claims, agreeing to close, relocate or — in one compromise — add a pizza parlor to dilute the impact of its primary line of business. Tired of the bickering, Norwood and a group of church volunteers last month armed themselves with digital cameras and began patrolling the parking lots of the two businesses still involved in the lawsuit.
At least once a week, a volunteer traces the license plate numbers to the owners of the cars using an online service that searches an automotive database for a fee. In Texas, license information is a matter of public record. So far, 300 postcards have been mailed, Norwood said.
The cost of the program, which could reach $15,000 a year, is covered by donations from local businesses and private individuals, Norwood said. Oakcrest Family Church, located in a ragged neighborhood behind the sexually oriented businesses, could not otherwise afford the expense, he said.
This neglected stretch of auto salvage yards, trailers and rickety wood-frame houses seems at first glance to be sliding into despair. But at one house, someone has resolutely planted a 5-foot wooden cross in the middle of a scraggly lawn; at another house, plastic ducks decorate a freshly swept front porch.
The sound of children's laughter filters from a playground nearby. There is life here, but outsiders don't seem to notice, said Gloria Price, who has lived in the area since 1970. "When we were unincorporated, everything just got dumped out here," she said, adding that something should have been done about the adult-oriented places "a long time ago."
Price cooks meals for the underprivileged at the church, where the congregation includes ex-cons, former drug addicts and recovering alcoholics. Norwood describes a personal history that includes charges of public intoxication, assaulting a police officer and weekends serving time in county jails. That was more than 25 years ago when, he says, he owned several auto body shops in the San Francisco area and had unlimited access to pornography through a friend who managed a chain of pornographic bookstores.
Now, when he's not counseling prisoners at the Tarrant County Jail in Fort Worth, the no-nonsense Norwood runs a flower shop steeped in the fragrance of scented candles. "I'm hard-core about being against pornography, because I know firsthand what it can lead to," Norwood said. His postcards list a schedule of church services and the church's "counseling and classes on sexual addictions."
The targets of Norwood's concern are not thrilled. "What other people do is not his business," said Roger Vallez, 47, as he left the video store. Vallez, who said he was a contract engineer, said he wouldn't welcome nude clubs in his neighborhood, though. "There ought to be a place in the middle of nowhere for these places."
A young man in a blue pickup pulled into the lot, an aluminum ladder rattling in the bed. When told of Norwood's surveillance program, his eyes darkened. "I'm just going to rent a video and go home. I'll be [angry] if I get a postcard in the mail. I think it's stupid. People aren't going to stop doing what they want to do," he said.
Norwood readily agreed. But those who dismiss his invitation to church will perhaps take their business elsewhere, "somewhere they won't be hassled," he said. "There are a lot of other places … where they can go if they want to persist in this kind of behavior."
Norwood is also counting on unhappy reactions from wives or girlfriends who get to the mail first. "When she asks, 'What were you doing over there?' they're going to have some explaining to do. If they're embarrassed by it, maybe they shouldn't be doing it in the first place."
Norwood is aiming his camera at a white sedan parked at a strip club, the driver still in the car, absently changing the knobs on the radio. Another man leaving the club notices Norwood, slips behind the wheel of his pickup and hurries out of the lot. Too late. Norwood had photographed his license plate.
John Gamboa, a lawyer for one of the businesses that has settled with the city, said Norwood's photo campaign is harmless. "If this man wants to spend money on postcards, fine. As long as he stays within the bounds of the law, he has every right to do it. What he seems to forget is as long as we stay within the bounds of the law, we have every right to be there," he said.
Norwood, a former city councilman in nearby Arlington, has no intention of stopping. As long as the sexually oriented businesses remain in Kennedale, his camera will be at the ready, he said. "Even if they move somewhere else in town, we'll keep at it. Whether it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon or 2 o'clock in the morning, there's a good possibility we'll take a picture and send a postcard."
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=2026&e=1&u=/latimes_ts/texaschurchcardsp...
Looking for porn? Now you can just Booble it
Tue Jan 20, 6:21 PM ET
LOS ANGELES (AFP) - Online pornography aficionados got a boost when a US entrepreneur launched a new search engine for raunchy Internet material dubbed "Booble.com".
An unnamed New York-based former Internet executive has pumped his own money into the new Website that has styled itself as a light-hearted parody of the world's largest and best-known search engine, Google.com.
The new service, which its founder said was intended to be "fun, but useful too," allows porn fiends to filter through more than 6,000 hand-selected listings of Internet adult content.
"I have a web development operation where there is a bit of a frat boy atmosphere, so we stumbled on Booble," said the founder, who requested anonymity to avoid being barred from his daughter's school softball games.
"What was a bit fun and a joke became a business. People like it. It makes people smile. It's funny and I think it'll grow," the man in his mid-40s told AFP.
The adult sites to which Booble users will be directed have been filtered to exclude illegal or extremely hard-core material, using criteria including whether a site is worth the price it charges viewers and the quality of its images.
"It is fun, but there is a real story behind Booble in that it's hard to find good adult content," the founder said.
"There are about 25,000 adult sites and a fraction of sites in really major categories like movies and music and sports, causing a lot of clutter and confusion."
The businessman, who said he was once a senior executive at "one of America's leading online services," said he ended up spending far more money on the venture than expected but declined to specify the amount.
Officials from Google were not immediately available for comment on the new adult search engine whose name and home page bear a striking resemblance to those of Google.
"We don't have any relationship with Google but we have put a link to their site on outs and so far we haven't heard from them," the anonymous founder said.
"We don't want to do anything is illegal -- it's a parody, it's funny and we're not out to confuse anybody so we hope they will take the joke in the spirit in which it was intended."
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1517&e=14&u=/afp/us_offbeat_tech_booble
No, I haven't tried it, nor intend to. Porn isn't permitted on my computer, period, end of sentence, end of discussion. Never did understand the "adult" rating on things, wrong is wrong, young or old.
Excel, you may wish to delete this after reading rather than leaving it for posterity.
The Piano Concert
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted an old friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her.
Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE".
When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child, and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience.
The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great master played. Only the classic "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
Perhaps that's the way it is with God. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't always graceful flowing music. However, with the hand of the Master, our life's work can truly be beautiful.
Next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully. You may hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing."
May you feel His arms around you and know that His hands are there helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces. Remember, God doesn't seem to call the equipped; rather, He equips the 'called'.
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you acquire.
Student Caught In Racial Controversy
Flyers Promote White Student For African-American Award
POSTED: 6:39 AM CST January 22, 2004
UPDATED: 8:17 AM CST January 23, 2004
OMAHA, Neb. -- Four Westside High School students are suspended for promoting a white student for an African-American award.
More than 150 flyers (pictured, below right) were distributed throughout the school Monday. They featured junior Trevor Richards (pictured, left), A South African native who moved to the United States in 1997.
Westside officials say the flyers were were quickly removed because they were inappropriate and insensitive to black students.
Trevor said he is as African as anyone else.
"I had no intent of hurting anyone or offending anyone. I wasn't trying to make a statement. I was just running for the award, but i guess the administration felt differently," Richards said.
Richards was suspended for two days.
Two other students were disciplined for putting up the posters and another student was punished for starting a petition to promote Richards.
http://www.theomahachannel.com/education/2783824/detail.html
PeePaw,
A Christian nudist camp doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, either. It would be rather difficult to keep your eyes on the Lord, if you know what I mean.
I hear ya on removing the mirror, too. Gravity can be so cruel.
Most patrons of the nudist camps are those you would rather not see naked, so I'm told.
On the lighter side:
First Christianity-themed nudist resort to open in Florida
Thu Jan 22, 1:30 PM
TAMPA, United States (AFP) - The first nudist resort created primarily for Christians in the United States is due to open in Florida and its co-founder claims that he can provide passages in the Bible where nudity is prominently mentioned.
"Depending on the version of the Bible you use, there are as many as 40 passages that refer to nudity," said Bill Martin, co-founder of Natura, which will be the first Christianity-themed nudist colony in the country when it opens in a Tampa suburb in April.
"In (the Bible book of) Isaiah 20.2, God tells Isaiah to go into the wilderness naked for three years. So there's historical basis for a Christian nudist lifestyle," continued Martin, who is a Quaker.
When Natura is completed, the 240-acre resort area will have 500 homes, a hotel, a water-slide park, and a non-denominational Christian church. Although nudity will be mandatory, attending church services will be clothing-optional for residents, according to Martin.
Followers of the Baptist, Catholic, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mennonites, and Quaker religions are some of the different Christian denominations who will call Natura home.
"Fundamentalist Christians and the Southern Baptists may object to us, but I will meet with them anytime to talk about both Natura and nudity," said Martin. "It's funny that some Southern Baptists oppose us, because for about the first 500 years after the death of Christ, mass baptisms were done nude."
Air Stories
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high.
We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed." "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered.
We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater.
It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause .... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
-------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared.
---------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
-------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
-------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
--------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour......................
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
From overseas:
Losha,
funny. Had to email that rascal to a few folk I know.
REPORT RANKS STATES FROM MOST CORRUPT TO LEAST CORRUPT
18 Corporate Crime Reporter 3(1), January 19, 2004
Mississippi is the most corrupt state in the United States, and Nebraska is the least corrupt, according to a first-ever ranking of the states released last week by Corporate Crime Reporter.
According to the report, Public Corruption in the United States, the ten most corrupt states in the country are:
Mississippi, North Dakota, Louisiana, Alaska, Illinois, Montana, South Dakota, Kentucky, Florida, and New York.
The ten least corrupt states in the country are:
Nebraska, Oregon, New Hampshire, Iowa, Colorado, Utah, Minnesota, Arizona, Arkansas, and Wisconsin.
The 50 states were ranked by corruption rate -- the number of public corruption convictions in the state over a ten-year period (1993 to 2002) per 100,000 population.
The report is being released at a time when public corruption scandals are breaking out all over the country.
The former Governor of Illinois, George Ryan, has been charged with taking money, gifts and loans in exchange for handing out state contracts to his donors.
In Connecticut, three mayors and the state treasurer are in jail or heading to jail.
And the Governor of Connecticut is under siege in a soap opera of a corruption scandal.
The last three insurance commissioners in Louisiana have gone to jail for corruption.
"We need not just strong economies, but strong political economies -- reporters, citizen groups, prosecutors, judges, religious leaders -- who are willing to speak out about the rampant corruption in our midst," said Russell Mokhiber, editor of Corporate Crime Reporter and author of the report. "Connecticut, for example, has a strong economy and an educated citizenry. But its political economy has historically been weak, with little public debate about the level of corruption around it -- until federal prosecutors at the U.S. Attorney‚s office in Hartford decided to force the issue out into the open."
Mokhiber called on Attorney General John Ashcroft to stop muzzling his line attorneys at the Public Integrity Section, which is in charge of combating public corruption.
"They want to speak out on the issue, to shed some light, but they are being muzzled in an election year," Mokhiber charged. (See At a Glance, Page 12)
http://www.corporatecrimereporter.com/01_19_04_pressrelease.html
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. Twenty Questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie #@#@# Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to see the Chippendales.
SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
It doesn't get any better than this. Only in America.
Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago democratic
congressman Mel Reynolds to Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.
Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President
Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree. Reynolds received a
commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15
convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal
Election Commission. He is more notorious, however, for
concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage
campaign volunteer.
This is a first in American politics:
An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate...
won clemency from
A president who had sex with a subordinate...
then was hired by
A clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.
His new job? Youth counselor.
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?
From JOKES #msg-2156343
I thought hoax, but "Basically, the events and circumstances in this letter are basically true. The text was taken from an article by Deroy Murdock, a columnist for Scripps Howard News Service."
http://www.breakthechain.org/exclusives/reynolds.html
Church Sends Christ Into Cold
Jimmy Breslin
from Newsday.com http://www.newsday.com/news/printedition/ny-vpbres153626824jan15,0,402535.column?coll=ny-news-print
January 15, 2004
In the late afternoon, the freezing wind nearly cut off Christ's bare ankles and feet. When he was killed in Jerusalem, the temperature was in the 60s and sandals were common.
One of the people he loves the most was just carried out on a gurney from a shelter on West 23rd Street. The man on the gurney looked up with a face the color of gray paste. Orange straps kept him on the gurney.
"He's all right," a homeless man from the shelter said. "He just had a seizure." He stood alongside the gurney and smoked a cigarette. The air clawed his face.
The worst of winter fell onto the city and hunted through the streets for the helpless, for the defenseless, for anybody too poor to have a roof. For every other act, a blackout, the fire and explosion in the sky, the great city goes on. People come and go, they talk. They go to work. The homeless can go through the most miserable of nights on the streets or under the archways or riding subways. But cold arrives in silence to torture. Last night was the start of what might be the worst run of cold weather the homeless have had in this city. It was Christ's moment to be among them.
At 6:30 last night, he came out of the first darkness and swirling snow and into St. Patrick's Cathedral. There were homeless people asleep with their foreheads against the pew in front. They had hoods from rough, old winter jackets pulled over their heads. It was difficult to see how many homeless were in the church because there are 14 great pillars that obstruct the view of the rows along the side aisles, where most like to sleep.
Sleeping in the pews on the main aisle is too conspicuous and thus is an uneasy resting place.
Christ slipped into a pew on the side aisle on the left-hand side. He looked like all the others who had nothing. In fact, he had less. At least the other homeless people had plastic garbage bags filled with whatever they owned. Christ sat with nothing.
When he gave up his life for this religion, it was a belief that honored the blind, the destitute, the lame. Now he sat in a church and looked ahead, far ahead, over the many rows, to an altar that sat under a steeple and was dedicated to gold.
He looked up at a ceiling hundreds of feet high.
At the last pew, two ushers in red jackets stood facing the main front doors. For a while, a city cop was with them. When he left, another came in. Their hand radios kept saying something.
Christ looked and reflected. A man's forehead slipped off the bench in front of him and he woke with a start. He put his head down again and soon was back to sleep. A woman with a blue wool hat on talked to herself. Far ahead, in the front of the church, a woman walked around, pulling a suitcase on squeaky wheels.
They were in a palace away from the cold, the most famous church of the Catholics in America. It is supposed to represent the Lord's religion.
On this cold night, one of the ushers said that the church closes at 8:35 p.m. Exactly.
And at a little before 8:30, a man on the right side stood up, yawned, stretched and then gathered his plastic bags and walked down the aisle.
From far up in front, a woman pulled her suitcase on loud wheels.
At 8:35, a cop and an usher walked around the church telling homeless people that the church was closing and they had to go out into the cold.
"Nobody can stay?" an usher was asked.
"Church closes," he said.
In the last row on the left side, a man stirred, then sat bolt upright. He put on a blue wool hat and lifted a backpack that he carefully put on. He had two heavy shirts to fight the cold. He started out. People were coming from the darkness on the side aisles. Soon, the church was empty.
Christ slipped out of a pew and followed the other homeless people out of the church. The ushers and cops didn't have the slightest idea who he is, and nobody running the huge church he was leaving knows anything about him, either. They claim they do. They say they pray to him and try to act in his behalf. Last night, he was asked to leave and go out into the cold, just like any of the other homeless.
"Watch yourself out there, it's getting very slippery," a cop said to all of them who looked like Christ, and one of them was.
Copyright © 2004, Newsday, Inc.
Thoughts:
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turndown the volume on the radio?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!
THE CRUISE.....
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamines and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "I'll take it," and returned to the pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Stupidity gets you into a mess; but can't get you out.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Love is grand; divorce is quite a few more grand.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Indecision is often confused with flexibility.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
The IRS
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service, ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked
behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going
to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has
ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish. "My second wish is that
I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.
Random thoughts:
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway? Same goes for a rabbit's foot being good luck, it had 4 of them.
Speaking of rabbits; Ever wash your hair and couldn't do a thing with it? Pity the poor rabbit who washed his thing and couldn't do a "hare" with it.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
Losha,
That's a good one. Scary thing is, it may be closer to the truth than we'd like to admit.
The video is much better.
I'd seen it once before about a year or so ago and had let it slip my mind. It is now bookmarked.
A light read.
This is a rather long one (12 page), so pour a cup and relax. It was stolen from JOKES thread #msg-2107533 submitted by eamonnshute.
From the Pulitzer Prize winning Dave Barry, a look back at 2003...
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/7579165.htm
Letter From Father
==============
The words you are about to read are true.
They will change your life if you let them.
For they come from the heart of God.
God loves you.
And He is the Father you have been looking for all your life.
This is His Love Letter to you!
My Child,
You may not know me, but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-30
For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written
in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love. I John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. I John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. I John 3:7
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect Father. Matthew 5:48
Every good gift you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand
on the seashore. Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires. Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager. 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4
And I will take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being. Hebrews 1:3
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5;18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.
I John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me.
I John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
Romans 8:38-29
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is....Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you. Luke 15:11-32
Love, your Father, Almighty God
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/4012.htm
Adding missing image to Sunday am cartoons
Thanks, BULL
great compilation, many are so true!
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters, " said the professor, to the student from Minnesota, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Pennsylvania. "Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."
Drinks like a fish.
Divers Probed for Giving Fish Champagne
Thu Jan 8,12:39 PM ET
WARSAW (Reuters) - Three Polish divers faced a police investigation Thursday for possible illegal fishing and animal abuse after a news photo showed them plying a freshly caught pike with champagne at an outdoor New Year's party.
"They may have committed offences of poaching and maltreating a fish," said Maria Niedziolka of the National Fishing Authority, which notified police of the incident.
The picture in Nowa Trybuna daily showed three frogmen neck-deep in a lake, with one of them tipping a bottle of cheap Russian bubbly into the fish's open mouth.
One of the divers told news agency PAP that they had found the pike half-dead and wanted to "restore it to consciousness by treating it with champagne."
It was not clear whether the fish survived. Police said it would not be needed as evidence in the investigation.
Everybody wants to win the lottery, but........
Then What?
=========
What if you won the lottery?
What if you won a big one, like 100 million or so?
What would you do?
Let's go down the usual list.
Pay off the home (no make that buy a mansion - cash).
Buy several exotic cars
Buy clothes
Travel to exotic places
Hire servants (maids, chefs and chauffeurs)
Take care of relatives (mama at a minimum)
Invest
Then what?
What do you mean "Then What?"
I hear many of you asking, "Isn't that enough?
How can there be a "then what" after all of that?"
You see people; it's the "then what" stuff that makes the real
difference in life. All of the stuff on the above list, you will
get tired of in six months or less. The excitement will wear off.
You will get bored. People will be after you for your money.
You will get paranoid. You will discover relatives that you
didn't know existed or at least you hadn't heard from in years.
They all will want one thing and it won't be your companionship.
So, you will get paranoid, as everyone wants your money.
Then what?
We often make the mistake of assuming that money will solve all
of our problems. Money will only solve money problems.
In my experience in business and in ministry, I usually find
that it's the "other stuff" that's the real problem, not money.
Often the "other stuff" is the reason for the money problems.
Let's start with the list of what you would do if you won a big
lottery and I want to show you how you can live just as happy
(if not happier) without the big lottery win.
Pay off the home (no make that buy a mansion - cash).
A house is NOT a home. Many have houses but not homes.
Many have mansions but not homes.
You can't buy a home, only a house.
A home is made with love, friendship, and loyalty.
You can't buy those either.
But you can get them without a big cash influx.
Buy several exotic cars
I have a fairly fancy car now but it pales in comparison to my
first car. A Corvair. Not a Corvette, a 1966 Corvair.
That was the car Ralph Nader got pulled because it was unsafe.
I paid $125.00 for it. It leaked a trail of oil wherever it went.
It smoked. It jerked. It might not get you where you intended
to go, but it was mine. It was exotic. I got more thrill from
that Corvair than from my fancy car now.
Exotic is in the mind. Notice the hot graphics on the bus you
are riding? Exotic is in the mind.
Buy clothes
A friend of mind saw Stephen Spielberg in a bookstore.
Spielberg is the big movie producer of many of the all time
great Hollywood movies.
Spielberg is worth hundreds of millions if not billions.
He was dressed in shorts, tennis shoes with no socks, and a
floppy hat. You can afford to look like multi-multi millionaire
Stephen Spielberg. Is that exotic enough for you?
Travel to exotic places
There are still a world of things in my city that I have never
seen. Places that I have never walked. Streets that I have
never driven. People that I have never met.
So it is with your city. If you are not happy in your city, you
won't find happiness on top of some foreign mountain or in some
posh village.
Hire servants (maids, chefs and chauffeurs)
Invite your little niece or nephew over and pay them a toy to
help you clean up. That will liven up your day.
Take care of relatives (mama at a minimum)
If your parents or grandparents are still alive, I can guarantee
that they want to talk with you more than you talk with them.
Talk costs you nothing but time and you don't have to win the
lottery to have that. They want a little of your time, not a
new house. Take care of them.
Invest
No matter how little (or much) you earn, always put something
aside. I have seen that saving is a habit that's not dependant
on income but on discipline.
The things that you do after the "then what?" will ultimately be
more important than your list if you won 100 million.
If you've understood this,
congratulations on winning the big one.
~A MountainWings Original~
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/1274.htm
Remember the blood of heroes
http://members.cox.net/classicweb/email.htm