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yep! pic.twitter.com/SwX7LjRgTR
— getmoreshares (@getmoreshares) June 17, 2024
Psychological pain
Is worse
The shock element
Both take their course
True story time:
A Guy that worked for me and I were out on the road and of course talking
about things that men might talk about that also includes a little one upmanship
well we got around to talk about women and sex and concern about STDs....
and condoms and then he passed this one on.....
Think he said he'd gotten Gonorrhea and had gone into this old country doc where
he lived out in the country back in those days....
So doc told him to pull it out so he could exam it.....said he needed to get a better
look.....so set it on this little table where the doc turned on this light.....
and OMG it was all puffed up and swelled up so bad and it was painful to even touch
Doc said turn your head and cough....
he did....
and the old doc brought a rubber mallet down on it .....BAM!!!
puss stuff shot out and he said he hit the floor screaming.....
he said never before or since had he known pain like THAT!
said if he could've moved.....he would've killed the doc but all he could do
was lay on the floor and moan in pain......
so while he was on the floor moaning, the doc gave him a big shot with a BIG needle
and syringe of Penicillin in one ass cheek and when he rolled the other way
put another golf ball sized dose in the other cheek.....
and the Doc said firmly: NEXT TIME USE A RUBBER!
He said after that with any woman he met.....that's exactly what happened
and even with his wife when they first got married for a good while....
He said he always had a fear of getting something attached to sex
after that ....that it made him last longer......
Because that ol' doc and rubber mallet remained in the back of his mind
even to that day.......
© T
21 in dog years
Approaching the big 3
We are one
Incredible breed
Exercise is key
The ball
Over any kind of food offered
As a distraction
Does not wane
That
Is focus
that post was like a playboy magazine for me....
I never read the articles.........
but I enjoyed the pic
A slice of history
~~~ Things as they were ~~~
(23:35)
Back then
Jim Crenshaw
Awesome breed
He'll be 21 in two months
— Angler (@Bo85429736) June 9, 2024
a few years back at the gun range for sight-in days for hunters
we took turns helping people sight in and some were newbies
and this one gal came in and DAYUM!! she was a KNOCK OUT
racked and stacked! and her shirt barely covered her lady berries
like just above the nipples and showing one hell of a cleavage
and the damn perfume she had on....every guy in the shooting shed
literally stopped when she came in.....and every helper including our Supervisor
Myron- for the day.....backed like hell away from her especially since his wife was
just outside selling sandwiches etc
and I got pushed into it especially since my style was just like the ol' drill sargeant
he would put you in position if you weren't....put his hand on yours for grip and trigger pull
had her dry fire on a dead shell etc
and the other helpers were just dying when they saw me kinda freeze
cuz I was looking RIGHT DOWN when she asked a question
and I couldn't speak my tongue was so hard......got her hitting the 200 yd in a 3" group
and told her she was set.....
turned around rolling my eyes and Myron just lost it and nearly collapsed he was laughing so hard
and the gal thought he was laughing at her and she says- didn't I do ok?
Myron's--- YOU WERE JUST wonderful and you had a good patient teacher who did a good job
and then the whole damn shed busted out laughing cuz I went out for fresh air.....
DAYUM!!!
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she screamed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped
up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
....Guido, The Italian Lover
..A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where
he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman
unsatisfied Guido reaches for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they
end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping..Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
Two guys were in a bar and one said, "Did your hear the news? Mike is
dead!"
"Wooo, what happened to him?"
"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and, when he
arrived outside the house, he didn't brake properly and boom! He hit the
pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof. Went
flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that. That didn't kill him at all. So, he landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go! That's terrible!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him. He survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull
himself up on the banister but, under his weight, the banister breaks and
he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking
right through him."
"Now, that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him. He even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, and, whoosh, the whole thing came down on
him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that! He survived that! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and
pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't
mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now, that is one awful way to go!"
"No, no, he survived that. He ..."
"Hold on, now. Just how did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? Why did you shoot him?"
"He was wrecking my house."
Cool, good luck with the new pup. I used to live in the Springs and drove Academy every day. There was a song that came out that went "Pray for me, I drive Academy", LOL
a month or so ago, had to go to the Sprgs to hwy 115 to 24
and they changed the dang sign for Academy
and missed it
so ended up going straight to 24, which was actually A LOT easier
just like it used to be......went out by Falcon to pick up a puppy
a heeler/border collie mix.....Karelians ain't exactly cowdogs
BUT will follow their lead
pup is doing GREAT
give them hell! LOL
Yes they are, I even passed one on. I'm just messing with my friend on the other side of the hills (Rockies)
you must admit- they were FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I might, LOL he's pretty close here.
why- do you need to "BEAK" him? LOLOL
He's lucky He's on the other' side of them thar hills. LOL
LOLOL-- damn good ones!
How To Shower Like A Woman:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off.
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed skin and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Test Of Manhood
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you rally are a man.
If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.
If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
2 guys out hunting
stop in camp for lunch and after one goes to relieve himself
suddenly he screams and runs over to his hunting pal,
Says a rattlesnake just bit me on my pecker!
Quick call a doctor and see what we need to do!
so he calls the doctor and says his best friend and hunting partner
was just bit by a rattlesnake and they're miles from anywhere
and asks what can I do to help?
the doctor says
well you make a small cut where the bite is and suck out the poison
guys says ok doc, got it!
friend asks: so what did the doctor say?
He says: the DOCTOR SAID YOU'RE GONNA DIE......
A truck driver is driving through Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, when his truck breaks down. He sees an Amish farm house up ahead and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, the driver explains his situation and asks for a ride into town to get some parts so he can fix his truck. The farmer says, "Well, I'm on my way out the door, but I'll tell ya what . . . I'll have my daughter Nellie take ya into town."
The truck driver and Nellie hop in the buckboard and ride off to town. The truck driver asks the parts manager for the needed parts, but the manager says he has to order them from Allentown. He can have them shipped overnight, and they'll be there in 24 hours. The driver and Nellie hop back in the buckboard and ride back out to the farm.
The truck driver explains to the farmer the situation and asks permission to stay in his barn overnight. Permission was granted.
The next morning, the truck driver helps the farmer around the farm to "pay" for staying there. He looks at his watch, notices it's 24 hours later, and knocks on the farmer's door. "Can you give me a lift into town to get that part?", he asks. The farmer says, "Well, I'm on my way out the door, and Nellie - she's at a knittin' contest . . . I'll tell ya what; I'll have my daughter Venus take ya into town!" The truck driver agrees, and he jumps in the buckboard with Venus to go get his parts. They ride out to town, he picks up the parts, and he and Venus drive back to the farm. The truck driver fixes his truck and drives off.
About five months later, the truck driver gets a letter in the mail from the farmer. It reads:
Dear Son:
Are you the one that did the pushin', left the blood stains on the cushion, left the footprints on the dashboard upside down? Ever since you had out Nellie, she's had trouble with her belly, and I think it's time that you should stop around!
The truck driver, thoroughly pissed-off, writes a letter back to the farmer. It reads:
Dear Pop:
Yeah, I'm the one that did the pushin', left the blood stains on the cushion, left the footprints on the dashboard upside down. Ever since I had out Venus, I've had trouble with my penis, so I think we're fifty-fifty all around!
Part deux- - - - - - - -
Follow-up to the S.H.I.T. memorandum.
To: All Employees
Subject: Revised Retirement Policies
As a result of the imminent reduction of money budgeted for the department, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the State. Provided they are SLAPPED, they may request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with Capitol Office management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, any employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the agency deems appropriate. If an employee follows above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the department.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the department will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
This department takes pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees receive. We have given more SHIT than any department in the State. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
Please see our previously issued memo on SHIT for more information.
Sincerely,
U.R. Deadmeat
V.P. Humaneless Resources
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.
Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T). Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)
Thank you,
Boss in General
(B.I.G S.H.I.T)
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head"
A Tale About Imports and Exports
Commentary by Bill Bullard, CEO, R-CALF USA
The U.S. cattle industry underproduces for the domestic market. We simply don’t have enough cattle to satisfy America’s demand for beef. And yet, our industry has bought into the counterintuitive argument that imports and exports are the deciding factor in producer profitability.
We’ve all been told how we need to import a lean grinding product to mix with our higher quality trim to make ground beef, how we export higher quality cuts that command higher prices abroad than what we can sell them for here, and how exports add value to every head of cattle sold in the United States.
Let’s look at some real trade data from 2023 and I’ll be doing rounding to keep it simple.
The No. 1 beef product imported from around the world was unprocessed, frozen, boneless beef. It represented 34 percent of total world beef imports. We imported 449,528.2 metric tons of this frozen, boneless beef at a total value of $2,442,906,000. So, the per unit cost of this No. 1 imported product was $5,434 per metric ton.
Now, the second ranked beef product imported from around the world was unprocessed, fresh or chilled, boneless beef. It represented 15 percent of total world beef product imports. We imported 206,573.9 metric tons of this fresh or chilled boneless beef at a total value of $1,336,350,000. So, the per unit cost of this No. 2 imported product was $6,469 per metric ton.
So, frozen and fresh or chilled boneless beef comprised just under 50 percent of beef commodity imports. This is what the industry tells us is the lean grinding product that we must import to mix with our higher quality trim to make ground beef.
Now let’s look at our two leading commodity beef products that we export around the world.
Our No. 1 leading commodity beef export is unprocessed, frozen, boneless beef. Yes, you heard that right. It’s the same category of commodity beef that we import. It represents 34 percent of our total world commodity beef exports. Yes, you heard that right too. Our exports of unprocessed, frozen, boneless beef represents the same percentage of our exports as it does our imports. We exported 417,823.4 metric tons of this product at a total value of $3,075,183,000. So, the per unit price received for this No. 1 exported beef product was $7,360 per metric ton.
Our second ranked beef product that we export around the world is – you guessed it – unprocessed, fresh or frozen, boneless beef. It represented 24 percent of our total world beef product exports. We exported 296,046.8 metric tons of this fresh or chilled boneless beef and sold it for $3,254,254,000. So, the per unit value received for this No. 2 exported beef product was $10,992 per metric ton.
So, frozen and fresh or chilled boneless beef comprised just under 60 percent of our beef commodity exports.
I’ve thrown out a lot of numbers so let’s recap: About 50 percent of U.S. beef product imports are frozen, and fresh or chilled boneless beef and we buy it for $3,779,256,000, or $5,760 per metric ton. Now this is about $2.61 per pound.
And, about 60 percent of U.S. beef product exports are frozen and fresh or chilled boneless beef that we sell for $6,329,437,000, or $8,866 per metric ton. Now this is about $4.02 per pound.
To distill this down even further, our No. 1 and No. 2 exports are the same type of beef product as our No. 1 and No. 2 imports, but our exports of that same type of product command about $1.41 per pound more than our imports.
Now where have we seen this before?
That’s right, let’s revisit our imports and exports of beef tongues.
The U.S. imported 3,107,163.24 pounds of tongues in 2023 at a total cost of $12,846,000, which is $4.13 per pound.
Then, the U.S. turned around and exported 17,585,873.74 pounds of tongues and sold them for $85,051,000, which is $4.84 per pound.
It looks like the importers and exporters (who, for the most part are one in the same) are simply following the No. 1 rule in the retail business: buy low and sell high.
Our Beef Checkoff Program tells us that U.S. beef is coveted the world over and that USA tongues command a higher price abroad, but we know that the U.S. produces more tongues than we can use domestically. So why do we import more tongues?
The answer is obvious: the U.S. beef packer can sell tongues in the world market for more than it costs them to import: They’re buying low and selling high.
But we also know that U.S. cattle producers do not benefit at all from this profitable import/export scheme that exclusively benefits the beef packers.
Are the U.S. beef packers doing the same thing with frozen, and fresh or chilled boneless beef, our most voluminous imported and exported beef product?
Well, we should certainly try to find out.
https://www.r-calfusa.com/weekly-update-a-tale-about-imports-and-exports/
— Mick (@Mick33040) May 30, 2024
— Charles Palmer (@Charles02339637) May 7, 2024
— 1776 2.0? (@ChrisSi39851937) May 7, 2024
An oldie but still a goodie!
LOL- good ones!!!!!!!!!!!
This woman stared at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a fucking tap underneath, taste it."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
***
I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***
I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our “cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love,
Dan
So considerate. pic.twitter.com/2GXcJVJgwo
— Mrs. S. (@hshLauraJ) May 1, 2024
So this couple gets married never having had sex yet
so on the wedding night the guy says, how about a BJ, baby?
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
5 yrs goes by and on their anniversary, he asks again
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
10 years goes by....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
20 years.....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
25 years.....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
Finally on their 50 year anniversary, he shouts
I want a knob job dammit! I'll never ask you again!
I'll never ask you for nothing ever again!!!
and she says ok, but I don't want you to lose respect
he says I won't !!! I won't!!! I swear!!
and she gives him a blow job that is OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!
It was so good, he has to pull the sheets out of his ass!!!
Afterwards, she asks...so how was it honey?
he says it was out of this world and well worth the wait.....
so they're laying in bed and the phone rings
he answers, she says: who is it?
he shouts:
It's for YOU COCKSUCKER!!!
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This is where folks come to swap stories, real or flat out lies about those things in life which make us happy.
Some might call it a Liar's Bench, but we should pride ourselves as being above lying and eloquently share our fun, bizarre, wild, wierd tales that defy logic.
Here's a subject list for starters:
Hunting, Fishing, Farting, Telling Crass Jokes, Turning wrenches on your truck or hotrod,
Building anything that you can drive, ride, sit in, shoot, or annoy the jerk next door, like adding so much power that your drivelines exploded.
Yours or a friend's worst drunk, wreck, accident or time you or someone you know made a complete fool of themselves... Sports bloopers you saw or were a part of.
NO Namby Pamby touchie feel crap is allowed!
No talking about computers or cell phones unless there was a pool of blood and you had to Rambo stitch yourself up..
No talking about changing diapers unless you left the diaper on the exhaust manifold of your neighbor's car who's always calling the cops.
Basic Rules for posting.
We're rated R, therefore ...No pornography... Unacceptable Profanity: the C-words.
ALL pic links posted MUST apply to the story at hand or the Pic be worth 1000 words.
[b]Absolutely NO talking about stocks in any part of any post.[/b]
Acceptable Profanity: Ass, Shit, Damn, Friggin, Bitch, Bastard, etc... Some abbreviations: SOB, POS, WTF, RTFLMAO etc... Farscape & Battlestar Galactica profanity allowed.
Use common sense and the same goes for jokes told.
I hate having to remove a great post because it goes too far. It's ok to make a preacher blush, but not faint.
We are not here to compete with the Guy's Room or any other board.
This is like when men are out on a hunting or fishing trip, sitting around a fire and the story swapping gets competitive and you sometimes hear things so outrageous you fall over laughing or you go home and buy that new programmer for your truck so it too will have MORE POWER.
I'm open to suggestions for IBox graphics...PM me the links when you have a good one...We're a work in progress.....Have fun!
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