Part deux- - - - - - - -
Follow-up to the S.H.I.T. memorandum.
To: All Employees
Subject: Revised Retirement Policies
As a result of the imminent reduction of money budgeted for the department, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the State. Provided they are SLAPPED, they may request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with Capitol Office management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, any employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the agency deems appropriate. If an employee follows above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the department.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the department will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
This department takes pride in the amount of SHIT that our employees receive. We have given more SHIT than any department in the State. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
Please see our previously issued memo on SHIT for more information.
Sincerely,
U.R. Deadmeat
V.P. Humaneless Resources
