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thx Larry
LOL
Mystik Dan Wins 150th Kentucky Derby
(for Larry)
https://dailycaller.com/2024/05/04/mystik-dan-wins-150th-kentucky-derby-brian-hernandez/
This woman stared at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a fucking tap underneath, taste it."
***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
***
I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
***
I was telling a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our “cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It s all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love,
Dan
So this couple gets married never having had sex yet
so on the wedding night the guy says, how about a BJ, baby?
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
5 yrs goes by and on their anniversary, he asks again
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
10 years goes by....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
20 years.....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
25 years.....same thing
She says, no, I don't want you to lose respect.....
Finally on their 50 year anniversary, he shouts
I want a knob job dammit! I'll never ask you again!
I'll never ask you for nothing ever again!!!
and she says ok, but I don't want you to lose respect
he says I won't !!! I won't!!! I swear!!
and she gives him a blow job that is OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!
It was so good, he has to pull the sheets out of his ass!!!
Afterwards, she asks...so how was it honey?
he says it was out of this world and well worth the wait.....
so they're laying in bed and the phone rings
he answers, she says: who is it?
he shouts:
It's for YOU COCKSUCKER!!!
Thx Larry
Trump's lawyer was kickin' butt yesterday
he's the best I've ever heard on CSpaM at Scotus
LOL!
that one's pretty good
a lot of work for someone you don't like........
some people just need to put on their big boy pants
to appreciate my style......and is why it is appreciated elsewhere
and my now syndicated column is bringing in the $$$
ALWAYS double check the main gate to the chickens....
especially when you have about 300 of 'em
My heeler/border collie Jesse and I just put a BUNCH back in....
just when I thought it was safe to go back to getting eggs
she even found one we missed....she didn't bite a one tho she was tempted,
but she did help herd most of 'em back in the gate and helped corner
some I had to grab and toss back in....
makes the 2nd time in 12+ years I didn't shut the gate properly
we got a bad wind out there, but it didn't do it
Like Sylvestor STallone in the Rocky movie chasing a chicken
I was today.....but glad I had Jesse there to help.....
the other dogs wanted to help.....but....that wouldn't have worked as well
I had to open the gate wide so most would go in when pushed
Jesse kept an eye on it while I grabbed a few cornered ones
and if any thought to break for freedom, she pushed 'em back in
You bet she got a thank you treat when we were done......
and now I'm pooped........©
all included you for a fact my friend
everyone with a heart that's mentioned it felt the pain....
TY to all with a heart
Thank you....and some wonder why I like dogs way more than MOST people
Today was the day, finally got a rear tire on the backhoe replaced
so me and my old backhoe dog could work together this a.m.
feeding the cows one last time
picked him up and put him in and away we went and got it done.
a year ago he had a tumor show up and we had it removed..
It was just a few weeks ago
he had some tumors spring up on him all at once and they were doing him in
wanted to be able to bury him where the coyotes wouldn't get at him
literally one night he didn't have them and the next day he did.....
He's been my best cowdog.....many times if he was laying down on his side
when he saw me....he would thump his tail (nope, didn't dock him, have stopped with that)
well then we picked a big rock for a sorta headstone then picked a spot and dug
it open....with the rock above it, then came back for a break.....then we went back out.
I sat on the rock and he sat there with me and we showed each other some love
told him it was time..........
finally he turned his head so it could be done. It was instant. No quivers.....
except one thing......his eyes were closed.....and then his tailed thumped again
not once but about 3 or 4 times as if maybe to say see you again or thanks for ending the pain
that one last time and my knees kinda buckled and I choked up.
wrapped him in a piece of white sheet and then gently laid him to rest.
Don't ever think it's easy doing this either. It isn't. It rips your guts out.
He was my backhoe buddy when we fed the cows with it or I was doing work with it
He was so tough, that when I had to stitch him up twice, he let me do it....
I had some lidocaine, and he held still for it.....and laid still when I stitched...
Yesterday a yr old bucket fed calf now a steer, tried to come up in the gate and
had to turn him down the driveway and out
well I turned the 2 girls on him, but my friend slipped out as well.....
even in the poor shape he was in wasting away.....
he showed those girls how it was done....with me worrying he'd get kicked
the steer back in the pasture, and he turned with a dog grin and told him great job!
he got it done.....he came back slow from it.....not kicked, just plumb wore out....
even in the backhoe this a.m. where we had a rhythm when I had to spin the seat around
he was on cue....a little slow and we just took our time......
SO the next time you hear about how these wolves they've set loose here in CO
killed someone's best cow dog and its mate......
and they can't even shoot the damn things
Please realize there is NO replacement for a friend like this that works with you
that damn city people think is just a dog. They are a friend that will lay down their life
for you......and imo, there is nothing greater.
©
Actions of a dictator
you ain't seen nothing until you've bored down on a pinto with 10 mexicans in it
with a semi truck.....
it does answer the question: How many Mexicans can you fit in a Pinto's glove box,,,,,???
hehe
hehe, interrupted Congress Critters stuffing their pieholes
who knew when they cast him that he REALLY was such a MEATHEAD!
his dad was nothing like him
Good Humor
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Good Humor
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Yah, they shoulda done it on Martin Luther King Day!
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh damn, that's hilarious!!!!!!!!!
talk about a joke........he'll be out in 5 I bet
a natural born citizen as defined in the Constitution....NO
never mind........*PLONK*
Agnew was born in Baltimore to a Greek immigrant father and an American mother.
I recall discussions at the time that he could NOT serve as President
because he wasn't a Natural Born citizen AND was why he resigned
and Ford became President.....
Remember Spiro T Agnew......
Nucking Futz!
no kidding
Might be WA, but they're no longer requiring the law exam
to become a lawyer.....
The joke's on us again......
Me too!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
good one!
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary? (sic: YES!)
7. Map Quest or Google Maps really need to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies .. Quit Laughing! )
It just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
24. I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart. The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod (with ear piece) - and how was your day?
TMI....it was always said that what you drive.....
says a lot about you......we were prejudiced that way back then.....
Me, I started with a '51Ford pickup and then had a fast Olds, a '66 Delta Dynamic 88
and then a '54 Willy's Jeep Wagon, and then a '71 Charger that you watched the
fuel gauge drop on when you floored it.....
I knew a gal that had a Gremlin, wouldn't ride in it.....
I knew another that had a Pacer......wouldn't ride in it
but she sure as hell loved my Charger