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Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.
The true story of the Chicken Gun. Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo--"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters
Q: Why do men name their penis?
A: They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them.
Q: Why do only 30% of men get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.
Q: What is the new gay website address?
A: c : enter # # #
Q: Why do men like big tits and tight pussy?
A: Because they've got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.
Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?
A: So he could run his fingers through his hair.
Q: Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman.
A: A microwave doesn't scream when you put a piece of meat in it.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.
Q: Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A: Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying, "Yo".
Q: What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Q: What's the Cuban national anthem?
A: "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A: A Northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
A: Miracle Whip.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
__________________
One hot summer day, Warrigal came to town with his dog, tied it under the
Shade of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
Tied under that tree outside?"
Warrigal called out, " It's mine, mate."
"Your dog seems to be on heat," the cop said.
Warrigal replied, "No way. She's cool as,'cause she's tied up under that
Shade tree."
The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," said Warrigal. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry
'cause I fed 'er this mornin'."
The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants
To have sex!"
Warrigal looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog."
Where are you?
Thanks, Hope to visit Someday!
OLD WOMEN
AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE.
THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED
THROAT.
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD
THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG
GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A
BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying,
"HeyOld WOMAN, have you ever danced?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID
DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU
OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD
WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF
-STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE
SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED
SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD
STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY
SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE
LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS
SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S butt?
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Imagine that every morning, a bank would open an account under your name with a balance to spend of $86,400.00.
But, there are two rules to obay.
The first rule is that everything that you would not spend during the day would be taken away from you coming the following day. You cannot cheat, you cannot transfer this money into an other account, you can only spend it and every morning the bank would open another account with another $86,400.00 in it for you to spend for the day.
Second rule : the bank can stop this «game » without warning: at any time the bank can tell you that the « game » is over, it is closing the account and there is no more money for you to spend.
Knowing this what would you do? I am convinced you would spend every dollar pleasing yourself, making thousands of gifts to people you love. You would make sure that you would use every dollar bringing happiness in your life and in the life of the people around you.
This magic bank, each and every one of us have, it’s TIME.
Every morning, when we wake-up, we are credited with 86400 seconds of life for the day and when we fall asleep theese seconds are not reported the following day. What as not been « lived » during that day is gone, yesterday as just gone by.
Every morning this MAGIC starts allover again. We play with this uncontrolable rule : the bank could close your account at any time, without warning : life may stop. So, what are you doing with your daily 86400 seconds of life?
Life is short, even for the ones that find it long…..so, make with life the best you can!
We are all ignorants but not of the same things.
A Divorce story
CURTAIN RODS ---
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings
into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table,
by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the
end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a
huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the
saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old
home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in
exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house
had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......
and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Why do farts smell?
Farts, more properly known as flatulence, has one of the most offensive odors that we know, second only to feces itself. Although very few people ask this question, many wonder about it secretly. It all has to do with the process of digestion. After we eat, the food is churned in the stomach and pushed into the intestines. Our intestines are not empty. They provide a home to millions of bacteria that help us digest our food. These bacteria enter our system with our first bites of food and they stay with us for the rest of our lives. We live in what is called a symbiotic relationship with these bacteria. We both provide each other with something essential for survival. We give them shelter and feed them (like little pets), and they help us to break down our food more efficiently so we get more nutrients out of it.
As the bacteria break down our food, two processes occur that create gas in our digestive system. The bacteria are producing waste of their own, and the chemical reaction of the food breaking apart creates carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane gases. Flatulence also has some oxygen and nitrogen in it from air that we accidentally swallow.
The odor that accompanies the gas also comes from bacterial action. As the bacteria digest food, they create compounds rich in sulfur. These compounds are called mercaptans, and they combine with the nitrogen content of our food. The bacteria also produce another gas high in sulfur, hydrogen sulfide, which adds to the richness of our flatulence. Many of our foods are naturally high in sulfur, such as eggs and meat, and produce more foul odors.
Why do farts make noise?
The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus. Contrary to a popular misconception, fart noise is not generated by the flapping of the butt cheeks. You can see proof of this in the close-up video footage of Carl Plant's fart on Mate-in-a-State.
Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?
Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odorless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!) mundane with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly warm.
Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.
How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day, distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts.
Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal of everything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.
How does a fart travel to the anus?
One may wonder why fart gas travels downward toward the anus when gas has a lower density than liquids and solids, and should therefore travel upwards.
The intestine squeezes its contents toward the anus in a series of contractions, a process called peristalsis. The process is stimulated by eating, which is why we often need to poop and fart right after a meal. Peristalsis creates a zone of high pressure, forcing all intestinal contents, gas included, to move towards a region of lower pressure, which is toward the anus. Gas is more mobile than other components, and small bubbles coalesce to from larger bubbles en route to the exit. When peristalsis is not active, gas bubbles may begin to percolate upwards again, but they won't get very far due to the complicated and convoluted shape of the intestine. Furthermore, the anus is neither up nor down when a person is lying down.
Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.
Do men fart more than women?
No, women fart just as much as men. It's just that most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender.
I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.
Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?
Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is that I hope not. Scientific studies of farts show that women's farts have a higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts, but men's farts have a larger volume. The two factors equalize out (the same number of stench molecules for both), so the odor is about the same.
What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed, eating more slowly, and not gulping food or liquids. Chewing gum, smoking, and sucking on candy also can cause a person to swallow more air. Carbonated drinks give a person extra gas. Nervous people with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. Going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as flatus. Tilting your head back and pouring a drink straight down your gullet (chugging) also leads to an excess of swallowed air, and hence, farting.
Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have believed for centuries that retaining flatus is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts.
Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much. And Dr. P. said that the effort involved in retaining flatus can cause hemorrhoids.
How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!
Do all people fart in their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.
Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it?
I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it?
The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later.
Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (sometimes) and hydrogen, both of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.)
Farts burn with a blue or yellow flame. According to Dr. James L. A. Roth, a blue flame is indicative of the presence of methane in the flatus. Since methane producers are an elite group (only 1/3 of the population), an exclusive club called the Royal Order of the Blue Flame has been established that is open only to them. Mate-in-a-State has video footage of flatus ignition. Observe the color of the flames. These people are not methane emitters.
Is it possible to light a match with a fart?
No, even strike-anywhere matches have their limits, unless the fart has the consistency of sandpaper! Any fart that rough I would hesitate to call a fart. Also, farts have the same temperature as the body from which they emerge, and aren't hot enough to initiate combustion.
__________________
Harder Then A Rock
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
__________________
Healing The Sick !!! Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Sit Back And Enjoy The World
http://www.airpano.com/
Desperate Men
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Magic Cream
A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.
The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."
The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.
Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.
He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.
The man asked him what the cream was.
The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."
Ain't No Grave
The Dark Knight Rising http://teamcoco.com/video/fan-correction-dark-knight
Magnifying The Universe http://www.numbersleuth.org/universe/
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Thanks Loved It!!
A wife says to husband, "Today is your son's birthday. We still need to get him a present. What should we get?"
The husband says to his wife, "Well, what does he want?"
The wife replies, "He wants a watch!"
"OK, tell him tonight we'll let him."
It's All About OIL!!!!!
Thanks landm19 for all your infor.
Yak, What help me quit smoking. It was a pleasure and very satisfying whenever I would smoke. I convince my mind that not smelling like smoke was as satisfying as smoking.It help me quit!!
Good morning Yak. Glad you're back. Here in this board to gain knowledge. Thanks to you all.
Happy Birthday Yak! May you have many more!
Keeping eye on Tsys!
Big mistake us being there, Iraq!! What a waste of lives!! Ex Nam Vet.
Great Video Thanks!
Be careful in those nasty storms!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy,
the wars, jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc...I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan
I told them I was suicidal.
They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Vg was also bad pick!
Party Bash Columbus Day Contest Pick
VG
+ 168 Dow
Dow +184