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FB sweet bounce
Piece of cake!
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT
the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry
about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it
eventually'.
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the
bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I
said, 'Nope, you’re still black'.
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like
that!
A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man
passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this
morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call
Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is
the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works best!
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth closed.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to
yourself. 'I’m going to take that.'
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and
sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, ‘where am I?’ The
Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the
curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know
they wanted the name of a country?
I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing
everyone off is a piece of cake.
FULL BODY SCANS AT THE AIRPORT:
The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results
October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Huge Bear Surprises Crew on EcoBubble Photo Shoot in BC - YouTube
The Best Fail Compilations! - YouTube
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
Wife jokes
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some fat ugly chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
**
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
**
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
**
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
**
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it.
**
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"
**
I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30.
**
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
**
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
**
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!"
**
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."
**
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."
**
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
PCLN all aboard
PCLN rockets up
PCLN rocket
PRCP another nice day
AMRN
Amarin Announces First Notification of U.S. Patent Allowance Based on ANCHOR Clinical Trial ResultsGlobeNewswire(Wed 11:28AM EST)
AMRN
Amarin Announces First Notification of U.S. Patent Allowance Based on ANCHOR Clinical Trial ResultsGlobeNewswire(Wed 11:28AM EST)
AMRN
Amarin Announces First Notification of U.S. Patent Allowance Based on ANCHOR Clinical Trial ResultsGlobeNewswire(Wed 11:28AM EST)
Amarin Announces First Notification of U.S. Patent Allowance Based on ANCHOR Clinical Trial ResultsGlobeNewswire(Wed 11:28AM EST)
SODA nice bounce
PRCP another 3d stock
PRCP sweet
dndn LOVELY CHART
Another good day up 7%
TZYM could be next PRCP
Unreal that PRCP
PRCP
WOW<WOW<WOW
PRCP
WOW<WOW<WOW
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......
>>
>>
>> You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
>>
>>
>> We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
>>
>>
>> The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
>>
>>
>> My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
>>
>> "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
>>
>> A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
>>
>>
>> The cab driver hit a parked car.
Woman's Annual Exam
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 7",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!
Great comeback :
When former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, Stanley McChrystal,
got called into the Oval Office by Barack Obama, he knew things weren't
going to go well when the President accused him of not supporting Obama in
his political role as President.
"It's not my job to support you as a politician, Mr. President, it's my job
to support you as Commander-in-Chief," McChrystal replied.
Not satisfied with only accepting McChrystal's resignation, the President
took a cheap parting shot.
"I bet when I die you'll be happy to piss on my grave."
The General saluted: "Mr. President, I always told myself that after leaving
the military service, I'd never stand in line again."
EX wife :
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife?" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't “
SODA sweet
MCP wow wow wow
CALL 18.20
Fast shutter speed
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
I found a parrot sitting on my front porch this morning...
He keeps saying, "Good morning, you old fart."
...I figured that he must be yours.
CALL up in PM
"My Trip to the Store"
There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Romantic sleigh ride
http://www.toilette-humor.com/christmas/romantic_sleigh-ride.shtml
Pastor Fluff....
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young
lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy! He walked through the open door of the Pub
and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a member of
my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure!" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed
her arms to steady her.
When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.
After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald,
her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, "But you don't
understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as well finish."
Adult Scrabble...
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my friends.
At the bar
I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "