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I had to read that one twice.
I finally got it. LOL
And now, one more from the morning email:
Picket Fence WAG CONTEST is now underway!!...
http://www.investorshub.com/boards/board.asp?board_id=1594
Borrowed from IH Admin [Matt]
#msg-10481316
I was shocked that somebody actually forwarded some clean (thought slightly twisted) jokes to me for a change. What's the world coming to??
IMPORTANT: This communique is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this communique is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.
Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this communique, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.
However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this communique in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.
For Muppet and Sesame Street fans:
Jokes gone to the dogs:
Law Firm Interview
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?
Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
Company Policy Changes
================
The following policy changes will go into effect immediately.
Dress Code:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do
not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Toilet Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture
will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category."
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under
the company's mental health policy.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
or input should be directed elsewhere.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/6095.htm
Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life
Sarah's husband died. He had $30,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, Sarah told her closest friend Gert, that there is none of the $30,000 left.
Gert said, "How can that be?
Sarah said, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food ad drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Gert asked, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
Sarah replied, "Three carats."
Sassy,
There is also a website:
http://www.purposedrivenlife.com/
May I also humbly offer up:
http://www.40day.com/
Daylight Saving Time
"Daylight saving time is like cutting off your head and standing on it so you'll be taller" ~ Williams & Ree
http://www.williamsandree.com/index.htm?id=172
Finally got the clock on my VCR reset. It was flashing 12:00...now it is flashing 1:00.
http://cagle.com/working/060331/varvel.jpg
Gotta love the judge.
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation
for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local
ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant
celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays
while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case.
The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long,
passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel
and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling
and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances.
And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur
and Hanukkah ....and yet my client and all other atheists have no
such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously
your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter,
even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday
for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"
The judge said "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date---"
April 1st!"
The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
- Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1
In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation
for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local
ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant
celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays
while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case.
The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long,
passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his gavel
and declared, "Case dismissed!"
The lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling
and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case?
Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances.
And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur
and Hanukkah ....and yet my client and all other atheists have no
such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously
your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter,
even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"
The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday
for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"
The judge said "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date---"
April 1st!"
The fool says in his heart, "There is no God."
- Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to
the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there
are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the
bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Delightful LOL
The Salesman
=========
Don't under estimate someone because they are not like you
because they can be a blessing to you.
While checking the church storeroom, the Pastor discovered
several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-
door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the
church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the
task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living
as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But
he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who
had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his
speech impediment.
Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage
Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with Bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister
immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out
selling our Bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using
my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the
$200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his
hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is
indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the
church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,
"I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the
church, and here's $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You
are truly a professional salesman and the church is also
indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie
silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to
door, in just one week?"
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said
in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think
you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-
f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie,
just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louie replied, "W-w-w-w-
would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this
b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-
would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-
here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
http://www.mountainwings.com/past/6088.htm
Prepare to Fly - Let MountainWings.com help lift YOU over the Mountains of Life
I think our beertender is in the cooler tapping a new keg.
Shall we help ourselves?
My vote:
Trisha's Trebark
Explosive taste, bud!
That is one catchy slogan, IMO
As long as I'm here, how 'bout a Michelob?
Switch on #1, wait a few minutes.
Switch off #1, switch on #2.
Open door. Is light on? If yes, it is switch #2.
Is light off, but perceptibly warmer than ambient? If yes, it is switch #1. If no, it would have to be switch #3.
I suppose one could kill every breaker in the box except the one going to the closet light and then run out and watch the electric meter during successive switch trials...na...too much work.
FWIW, used to find the faulty driver in an IPA stage of an FM transmitter by heat or lack of. Unit didn't have seperate metering for the 2 driver tubes.
How'd I do?
OT: Some people go to a hardware store and buy a 1/2" drill bit because they want a 1/2" drill bit. I go to a hardware store and buy a 1/2" drill bit, not because I want a 1/2" drill bit. but because I want a 1/2" hole.
Yes...............if
the bulb is an old style incandescent, heat producing bulb and not a fancy-schmancy, new fangled, cool-to-the-touch LED rascal.
Touching Story
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them
"gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project
mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her
with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take
her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally
impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work
crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on
the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those a@@holes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fu@@in' sheet rock...".
[My mother, 80+ years old, sent that to me ]
OIL-SC Announces New Strategy for the Successful Marketing of SulphCo's Sonocracking(TM) Technology
Last Update: 1:35 PM ET Mar 27, 2006
SPARKS, Nev., March 27, 2006 /PRNewswire-FirstCall via COMTEX/ -- SulphCo, Inc., a company engaged in the development and commercialization of technology for upgrading and desulfurizing of crude oil and petroleum products, announced today that its Korean marketing partner OIL-SC, has recently held a shareholders meeting to discuss the new marketing strategy of SulphCo's Sonocracking(TM) Technology. OIL-SC is currently responsible for the installation and testing of 2,000 barrel/day demonstration plant situated outside of Seoul, Korea.
In preparation of introducing the technology to the Korean market, OIL-SC, Ltd has decided to change its company name to SulphCo KorAsia, Inc. and will begin trading on the Korean Over the Counter Market beginning April 30th, 2006. Neither SulphCo nor its affiliates have an equity interest in SulphCo KorAsia, Inc.
In addition, the newly formed SulphCo KorAsia, Inc. has appointed 5 directors to the Company, one of which is an auditor, and three that stem from the Korean chemical companies Samsung Total and SK Chemicals.
T.H. Kim and J.B. Kim will take charge of marketing, as SulphCo KorAsia's Chairman and Managing director respectively. Prior to joining SulphCo KorAsia T.H. Kim was responsible for base chemical sales and marketing at Samsung Total, as its Senior Managing Director. J.B. Kim was the Technical Department Manager of SK.
The current director of OIL-SC, H.D. Kim, also a former employee of Samsung, will continue to be responsible for the technology maintenance of the Sonocracking(TM) Technology at the 2,000 barrel/day facility.
In preparation of rolling out their marketing initiatives, SulphCo KorAsia is scheduled to open another office in Seoul on April 5, 2006, where the Company's key personal will be situated. The current facility in Shiheung-Si will be used solely for technical purposes including demonstration to customers.
SulphCo KorAsia's business plan indicates that it will complete its ongoing Sonocracking test program utilizing the 2000 B/D demonstration plant in April so that test results can be issued in a final report in May. The next stage over this summer calls for conducting test programs with prospective customers. The goal is to enter into the first commercial contract in the fall.
About SulphCo, Inc.
SulphCo has developed a patented safe and economic process employing ultrasound technology to desulfurize and hydrogenate crude oil and other oil related products. The company's technology upgrades sour heavy crude oils into sweeter, lighter crudes, producing more gallons of usable oil per barrel.
From time to time, the company may issue forward-looking statements, which involve risks and uncertainties. This statement may contain forward-looking statements within the meaning of Section 27A of the Securities Act of 1933, as actual results could differ and any forward-looking statements should be considered accordingly.
SOURCE SulphCo, Inc.
Media Inquiries Contact: Chris Allieri of The Global Consulting Group, +1-646-284-9450, or callieri@hfgcg.com, or Institutional Investors Contact: Cesar Villavicencio of The Global Consulting Group, +1-646-284-9423, or cvillavicencio@hfgcg.com, or Retail (Individual) Investors Contact: Dennis Dobson, +1-203-255-7902 http://www.prnewswire.com Copyright (C) 2006 PR Newswire. All rights reserved. End of Story
http://www.marketwatch.com/News/Story/Story.aspx?guid=%7B3ACFD3F7%2D2B97%2D4D29%2D8E32%2DBE9F8F35BBD...
That's a good 'un.
I wonder if Paulie could put angel wings on her trademark chick from her siggy.
Thanks Phil.
Have a hard time finding words to express how much even us lurkers will miss her effervescent presence. As Ruellit posted last evening, "Marie was the best of what people could be".
They say God loves everybody, but Marie has to be one of His favorites.
Mmmmmmmm Smooooooooooth
'Twas during one of the Derf wars when one of her posts tickled my fancy so much that I had to PM her. I just thanked Marie for being Marie. Her response read so sweet it made me blush.
It is amazing how well you think you get to know someone from lurking and reading their postings. I can only imagine the loss felt by those who knew her. May God be with you all.
While we are mourning the loss of our friend, others are rejoicing to meet her behind the veil. ~John Taylor
Jack Daniels / charge please.
That is a heck of a lot more straight-forward figuring than the convoluted hodge podge of numbers that kept me busier than a 3 legged cat covering poop on a rockpile with dirt from a half mile away. But I got the result just the same. And to think, I once majored in math. LOL But that was sooooooooo long ago.
I concur and surprisingly, I ciphered before reading your answer.
Must be a pretty big bucket to take that long or the flow rate is diddly-squat.
Ha.
I also resemble a couple of the ISP items...especially "Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years."
Those are educational! LOL
Ever wonder about the acronym A.S.A.P.? Generally we think of it in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. Maybe if we think of this acronym in a different manner, we will begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way.
*************
There's work to do, deadlines to meet;
You've got no time to spare,
But as you hurry and scurry-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER
In the midst of family chaos,
"Quality time" is rare.
Do your best; let God do the rest-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.
It may seem like your worries
Are more than you can bear.
Slow down and take a breather-
ASAP - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER
God knows how stressful life is;
He wants to ease our cares,
And He'll respond to all your needs
A.S.A.P. - ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER.
1 Thes. 5:17–18
17 Pray without ceasing.
18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
http://www.siliconinvestor.com/readmsg.aspx?msgid=22073672
SEX ED
Little Eddie goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father answers: "Well, Eddie, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
"Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button.
"Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got Male. We named him Eddie."
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
- Mark Twain, a Biography
GWIN Inc. Announces Record-Setting Profitable Second Quarter and Six Months
GWIN Inc. (OTCBB: GWNI) announced today its second quarter results, which include significant increases in operating income and net income for both the quarter and the six month reporting period. For the three months ending Jan. 31, 2006, operating income increased to $637,918, compared to $231,306 for the same period in 2005, an increase of 176%. Net income for the quarter increased to $608,617, compared to a loss of ($372,683) for the comparable period in 2005, an improvement of $981,300. Six month operating income and net income showed even larger improvements. For the six months ending Jan. 31, 2006, operating income increased to $33,928, compared to a loss of ($545,882) for the comparable period in 2005. Net income for the six months improved to $145,770, compared to a loss of ($1,214,346) for the comparable period in 2005. Revenues were also higher for both the three month and the six month periods. For the three months ending Jan. 31, 2006, revenues were $2,732,080, compared to $2,721,666 for the same period in 2005 with six month revenues improving to $4,508,839, compared with $3,883,141 for the comparable period in 2005, a 16% increase.
Wayne Allyn Root, chairman and CEO of GWIN Inc., said, "We have spent six years building GWIN and 'The WinningEDGE(TM)' into leading brand names in sports handicapping. Today's filings are a clear indication that the groundwork laid during that time is beginning to pay off. It is important to note the changes and related challenges that the Internet has brought to all media-related businesses and to our industry in particular. We have moved from a business model essentially 100% dependent on handicapping information and services, to become a more diversified sports, handicapping and entertainment company. We take pride in our ability to continue adapting to changes and exploiting opportunities. As these numbers show, we have created a business model with multiple revenue streams from handicapping sales, television production and sales of advertising and sponsorships. A prime example is the multi-year deal we structured last year with Hooters Casino Hotel Las Vegas. We are looking at this as a model to structure additional high-margin relationships with mainstream sponsors eager to reach our valuable database. Our database demographics are highly prized by advertisers -- males 21-49, high disposable income, college-educated, small business owners, professionals and/or self-employed, interested in sports, gaming and entertainment lifestyles. Over the past years we have built these databases such that we and our advertisers are now able to directly reach over a million highly desirable consumers. We believe it to be one of the most valuable assets of the company and one that we have only begun to exploit. I am proud of today's results and proud of how far we have come."
Said Douglas Miller, COO, "We are especially pleased that we have been able to achieve these higher revenues while holding the line on operating expenses. One of the very attractive aspects of our business is that we operate with substantial gross margins. In our services division, once we achieve our break-even point, as much as 50% of additional top line revenues flow through to the bottom line. The percentage can be even greater for incremental advertising revenues. Our goal over the coming months is to increasingly monetize our database and to continue to hold the line on expenses while exploring opportunities to add high-margin revenues, all to increase our bottom line."
About GWIN
GWIN Inc. is America's only publicly traded sports handicapping company. GWIN specializes in developing and marketing sports handicapping advice and information via television (The Winning EDGE(TM)), radio and the Internet (www.WinningEDGE.com) and (www.ewinners.com). The company produces high-quality sports and gaming entertainment programming and sells advertising and sponsorship opportunities on their TV and radio properties, as well as marketing opportunities to an exclusive database of more than one million predominately male sports and gaming fans.
Safe Harbor Statement -- The above news release contains forward-looking statements. These statements are based on assumptions that the management of GWIN Inc. believes are reasonable based on currently available information, and include statements regarding the intent, belief or current expectations of GWIN Inc. Prospective investors are cautioned that any such forward-looking statements are not guarantees of future performance, and are subject to a wide range of business risks, external factors and uncertainties. Actual results may differ materially from those indicated by such forward-looking statements. GWIN Inc. assumes no obligation to update the information contained in this press release, whether as a result of new information, future events or otherwise.
GWIN Inc., Las Vegas
Jeff Johnson, 702-967-6000
www.WinningEDGE.com
Source: Business Wire (March 15, 2006 - 2:19 PM EST)
Calendar
Let the games begin.
http://www.cagle.com/news/MarchMadness2006/images/gorrell.gif
Good clip. LOL
Odd that QVC wouldn't use a delay system to protect themselves from prank calls, unless they figure "hey, at least they're watching. Maybe they'll buy something, too."
They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:
3% vitamin E
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% vitamin C
92% Fix-a-Flat
That is priceless. LOL