Register for free to join our community of investors and share your ideas. You will also get access to streaming quotes, interactive charts, trades, portfolio, live options flow and more tools.
Register for free to join our community of investors and share your ideas. You will also get access to streaming quotes, interactive charts, trades, portfolio, live options flow and more tools.
Not for me. You are making the one we use look awful tame:
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their
carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone
number and they will get back to you.
Considering Zeev's work with supercooled devices, I would think he would use something like this:
Hi! Zeev's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please, speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.
Is this the one you use on your Raging Bull phone number?
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Oh yeah? When I called Fred, here's what I got:
Hello, you've reached Fred and Ginger. We can't pick up the phone right
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Ginger likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
He must have changed the message. I called and here's what I got:
Hi. This is Matt: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you
didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If
you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
Don't be Smart!
Churak, here's one for you to use on that "extra" phone, you know, the one you keep in your drawer at the office:
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a
"sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
You get that one from Phil (Bullrider)?
Or this...
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
That's very good, but I thought you would use something more like this:
Hi. Now YOU say something.
Yes, dum-dum, and that is precisely why Bob Z has all that available EXTRA (that means "unused" to you) capacity on Server ONE.
AK
p.s. No hard feelings, eh? Here, I looked up an answering machine message that would suit you:
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your
number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning
your call."
Churak, if you missed the connection to Bob Z, it is because HE is the one who has the extra data space on the old server. After all the time you've spent in Jail thought you'd know better by now.
AK
Don't mislead the thread. I gave you no instructions. I merely provided a video for your edification. Don't you think Sheriff Matt (and Bob Z) should make a link to that available in the iBox as a warning to those incarcerated here?
AK
BoP, for my part, I have no problem. Should I refer to you as the "assignee" or the "assignor"? Maybe Mr. Houston could help -- I think he has some legal training. I've had trouble with these words since a law professor tried to help us remember by referring to the "f-ckee" and the "f-ckor". Ah, I know, we can ask Churak, after he gets his soap back from the new fish.
AK
Phil, found an answering machine message for you:
"My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."
AK
Mr. Houston, kudos for an excellent post. You have done excellent research, and provided new versions of the Tates story for the enjoyment of the thread. I would not, of course, your good fortune in responding to a story that CHURAK had not posted on iHub.
Inasmuch as you have said you thought the Jailhouse was turning into a civil place, I am slightly confused, however, by your comment:
...in the spirit of feeding both the punnary and the appetite for plagiarism.
It would seem that you are baiting Churak. For example, in the last link of your post, more that half the jokes are ones that I have posted to the thread. Since I make no claim to have written them, this creates no problem for me (rather, there are so many duplicates, why bother telling you, since I'd have to provide links to all of them). But back to Churak -- he is of the opinion that if he posts a joke on iHub, it and all its variants may not be posted on iHub unless there is a disclaimer in the post recognizing the works Churak has posted here. From your reading of this thread I thought you would know that by now.
For your sake, I hope Churak doesn't give you a hard time about several jokes within the "Get Thee to a Punnery" list nor the variants of the Porpoise and the Grass House story, and the identical "Knick-knack" story. He has a penchant for using a certain word, that amazingly, he cannot see as applying to himself.
Thanks again for the good post.
AK
p.s. If this thread is becoming too civil, it's only because Sheriff Matt has not been dutiful in making arrests. Perhaps you can stop by the KKD and get Matt out of there before he becomes a Hutt*.
* (Ref: http://www.starwars.com/databank/character/jabbathehutt/ )
You're NOT local? Is this how you spend your Saturday nights???
AK
p.s. I'll get your answer tomorrow. The pizza girl just showed up, and we're off to the beach for a, well, pizza.
Phil, don't you get it? Delivery to Hawaii would be a "business expense"? I'm not the kind of person to pay for delivery by a "bullrider".
Now maybe if you have a cute delivery girl we could discuss "arrangements".
AK
EDIT: Ugh, I'm starting to sound like Churak. I have to find my meds.
You deliver? to Hawaii?
AK
Liquor store still open?
And you tell me "GET A BETTER DICTIONARY"??
Please go back to koshernosh or whatever site you go to, and look up:
CHUTZPAH!
AK
Ooohhh hasher5, the word hasher is indeed in the dictionary. It is in the Oxford English Dictionary.
http://dictionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/00102931/00102931se5
[Note: subscription site, so don't bother clicking unless you be a paid-up member.]
The official definition is (drum roll please):
...Hence hashed (hæt) ppl. a., hashing vbl. n.; hasher, one who hashes or makes a hash; also U.S. slang, a waiter or waitress in a restaurant; hashery U.S. slang, a hash-house, a cheap eating-house.
Better tell your drinking buddies in the U.K. so Oxford can get their dictionary up to date.
AK
p.s. Thanks for your phoney dictionary definitions. A SOURCE might be of help.
Son, son, son.
Dad? Back so soon? Get time off for good behavior? Wow, good to see you! Can I go through your message with you? Maybe you can give me some advice? Here goes:
You must remember not to assemble such a scathing commentary without adding a smiley face or a grin from time to time.
But Dad, you forget, I've got a whole collection of smilies -- including some that are asinine enough to include with my posts to Churak, but I don't have any way to post them. I've asked BOB Z. for a teenie-weenie bit of space just for that purpose--even offered him 25 cents a month--but he's still thinking about it. Think I should up that offer to 30 cents?
And as to those grins, B.S., Churak don't deserve no grins, except those evil ones, and I don't know how to do that. Any ideas would be appreciated.
There are far too many liberal/socialist self appointed internet policepersons out there just waiting to pounce upon you and attempt to incarcerate you into a place such as CLUB MATT's Jail for just such an infraction.
There you go again Dad, spouting all the political nonsense, like it's really applicable to me an' Churak. You post on iHub so much you forget where you are -- this IS Club Matt! So how can it be any worse? I'm here already. You know how I hate talking about politics and guns and such, but I got to thinking the other day that if George W. didn't have a gun he would have a lot less trouble shooting himself in the foot when he gives those dang-fool political speeches and then, gasp, talks to the press...but that's a different subject...ole Willie did the same, remember the "that woman!" speech? hardee-har-har
If you don't tell the commie pinko assholes that you are just having fun and joking, they cannot tell the difference unless you add a smiley face or a grin.
Bud Dad, I never used those smelly feces or grinnies with you, so now you are telling me you are a comm....uhh, question? commie and pinko go together, and pinko and asshole go together, but aren't the commis our friends now? (This durn politics thingie you get into; I just don't understand.)
I hope they will let you slide this time.
Dad, who are "they"? Are we going through this again. Damm treatment center forgot to give you your paranoia medicine.
And just so they know I'm sending this tongue in cheek, I'd better add a couple/few.
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) <G> <G> <G> <G> and for good measure, a <VBG>
Sheit, they forgot to give you the meds for the O.C. disorder too! Dang fools.
Well, guess that about covers things. Hey, it's Happy Hour here in Hawaii, so I'm gonna log off for now. You have a good night watchin' Jeopardy.
Your dutiful son.
p.s. Don't forget to get those meds adjusted!
Phil, please understand that I belong to an HMO, so my doctor is pleased that I finally have taken a modest concern about my health. Fatt Matt, OTOH, has a cardiologist friend in private practice who sends him a dozen KKD every few days.
AK
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
<semi g>
Of course you are correct. BTW, while searching on the subject, it appears that KKD does not use lard, but rather a vegatable oil to deep fry the dough (just don't ask for a link).
AK
p.s. I really was just trying to make a joke with my "Lard?" response to you, but came away actually learning something. Having had a few of those doughnuts, I can see how easily they can be inhaled, so I have foresworn them and cigarettes, all to my doctor's delight <g>.
hasher5, "hasher" is in the Oxford English Dictionary. I'll post definitions when I get a transcript of my on-line converation with a librarian from the Metropoliton Co-Operative Library Service.
AK
"GET A BETTER DICTIONARY"
hasher5, this has turned into an interesting project, trying to find the word "hasher" in a dictionary; so far, I have failed, but more on that in a moment.
First, I was not aware of the Hash Harriers, and was more than surprised by the size of the organization. Second, I don't dispute that many thousands of people worldwide consider themselves "hashers". My interest is the lexicology because of your statement about getting a better dictionary.
I have done a bit of "google-ing", and discovered that "hasher" is seemingly used as a term for a specific type of computer program, but this still puzzles me about not finding it as a dictionary word.
In desperation, to provide a thought-provoking, if not punny, answer to your challenge, I sought out the advice of a reference librarian friend who did some on-line dictionary searches for me. To my amazement, a search was done of 739 on-line dictionaries, all to no avail. So I asked where might one find the definitive answer. The response was that a search should be made of the Oxford English Dictionary, but that on-line access is by paid subscription, such as corporations and (some) public libraries have.
In the furtherance of this thread's tradition of hurling legitimate insults, I now turn your challenge back to you -- it is not a question of finding a better dictionary, it is a question of finding any dictionary. I don't doubt that the word exists somewhere, and finding its lexicon should be interesting.
Short of self-defined terms from the Hash Harriers, could you find a dictionary that contains the word "hasher"?
AK
p.s. I will see if I can get access to the Oxford English Dictionary to see if "hasher" is defined there.
p.p.s. Talk to you later, "Bud".
Blonde Stewardess
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
You be in the wrong time zone.
Your "Bud",
A.K.
p.s. Remember this? #msg-526697
You be hopeless. Your link was to the original joke which I had noted had been previously posted on iHub, then you protested, so I made a very public announcement that even though I had noted that it had been previously posted I had not given credit to the great Churak for posting the previously posted joke. Now I post a new version of that story (which has not previously been posted on iHub), and ask you if that is better, and your answer is "no" and you refer me back to a link which is to the joke you previously posted and which I have acknowledged that you previously posted. This is much like our prior dispute regarding previously posted jokes, which you ungraciously, in the end, apologized for making such a to-do about at all. It would appear by your circular reference to the aforementioned previously published joke that you are back to your old ways of obfuscating the true issue, and if you continue in your errant behaviour I am inclined to ask Judge Fred to intervene, however I am under the impression that the Judge is a slow reader and is behind some 200+ posts on this thread, so it would take a long time to get my case heard. Why do you have such a problem with shaggy dog stories that are only related by the punch line?
AK
p.s. I would appreciate your minimizing your use of the word "plagiarism" because BOB Z's spell checker can only tell that a word is misspelled, and does not suggest alternatives, so I spend an excessive amount of time looking up the proper spelling while I could be searching the web for new jokes to "appropriate". Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
From what I understand, it is the combination of yeast, lard and obviously the sugar glazing with it's lower melting point. A sugar glaze on a hard biscuit base wouldn't be the same. In any case the stuff sure is good, and will be a real money maker for all the cardiologists out there <ng>.
AK
Make that corned-beef hasher
hasher5, you've got to quit making up words; it makes you hard to understand. Course that won't stop Churak, he'll just "make up" an answer.
From http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=hasher
No entry found for hasher.
4 suggestions found:
lasher
masher
rasher
washer
Lard?
Say Churak, is this better?
In deepest Africa an explorer discovered a lake in which there lived a race of intelligent porpoise. He learned to communicate with these porpoises and they quickly learned to speak and to read and write.
They told him that they had live in the lake for thousands of years and they were essentially immortal. When the explorer told the world about the wisdom of these porpoise, people from all over the world began to write letters to them asking for help and advice.
There was no postal service to this remote lake so the mail just collected at the post office and the postal service refused to deliver it without special delivery postage. But because of the international prestige the government at last agreed to deliver the mail for free.
Because the lake was so remote there was no road and the postal service had to send a postman with bearers carrying the mail in sacks. As they approached the lake they came upon a large lion sleeping directly across the narrow path.
After some deliberation, the postman told the bearers to just step over lion very carefully so as not to wake him. They were just starting to do so when a policeman sprang from the brush and said, "You're all under arrest! Don't you know it's illegal to carry free mail across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!"
Carolyn, wasn't your post directed to moi? Please clarify. This is a serious place, and there's no punning around (except when Sheriff Matt let's us out to the exercise yard). And you must remember where you are. There is little choice about line ups, getting in line, standing in line, towing the line, following the line...why the rules say something about not even putting a toke across the line. Hmm, better check with the ex-Warden on this...trouble is he took a day off, and Churak says he's 200 posts behind...no wonder the guy resigned. BTW, seen Warden MATT around? Did you know he has a cardiologist who sends him a dozen KKD daily?
Hey, just heard the snack time bell -- ole Pavlov is ringing it again.
AK
Hasher will love you for that one...sure beats cat food.
AK
Why not -- you drove everybody else away too. Later.
Well, here's a snippit from the paper:
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
And where is hasher5? Found an article from the Vancouver paper this morning.
AK
You are dense, man. He IS on one.
AK