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Dixie
repeat
this takes a few seconds for the photos to load
sound
http://mybeautifulamerica.com/BeautifulD...
For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:
· A day without sunshine is like...night.
· On the other hand, you have different fingers.
· 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
· 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
· Remember, half the people you know are below average.
· He who laughs last thinks slowest.
· Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
· The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
· Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
· A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
· Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
· If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
· How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
· OK, so what's the speed of dark?
· When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
· Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
· Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
· How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
· Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
· What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
· I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
· Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
· Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
· Life isn't like a box of chocolates.. it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you tomorrow.
Foster Brooks
sound
http://jeremy.zawodny.com/blog/archives/...
Little Johnny's Xmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem & his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up.
When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.
And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn
garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up & rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked downstairs & saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled & asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
More Presidential Failure
Bush Fails To Prevent Buffalo Blizzard
Minorities Hit Hardest
NBC News 10/14/06
As President Bush and his staff sit comfortably in the White House, the
snow continued to pile up on the many poor and African-American victims in
the Buffalo, NY, area who could not afford to get out of town or to safety
in Florida. Crucial supplies of blankets, hot cocoa,
popcorn, gold jewelry, plasma TVs, Colt 45, and dark rum -- so essential
to surviving the stress of any major snowstorm -- lay in stores
undelivered.
"Where is the government? I need my sidewalk shoveled so I can get out to
buy my lottery tickets!" said one Buffalo resident from his living room.
"Why are we wasting money in Iraq when we could be spending it here on
me?"
Progressive blogs blasted the President for his inaction. "We find the
timing terribly suspicious -- just as the North Korean sanctions kick into
high gear, what happens?. A major northeast Blizzard. Why now?" wrote one
blogger.
Hearings into the Blizzard's effect on hearings are almost a certainty .
Howard Dean has suggested he will call for an investigation once his new
medications kick in and John Kerry took a break from his vacation in Aspen
to call for new legislation outlawing snowstorms. "The Republican Congress
has dropped the ball once again. I have always been a staunch supporter of
anti-snow legislation, except for certain locations where I ski. Snow has
no business on our roads and the President and Congress know that."
Calls for impeachment over "SnowGate" as some are calling it already are
mounting as deeply as the snow itself, and what will be discovered
underneath will prove to have a truly chilling effect on the Republicans,
as the inevitable thaw proceeds.
This just in...
More breaking news...Jesse Jackson wants an investigation as to why snow
is ALWAYS white.
It is reported that Dick Cheney has stock in Tru-Value Hardware. Do you
have any idea how many SNOW SHOVELS they sold today to the unsuspecting
consumer?
The American people will demand to know why FEMA has been so late in
reacting to this storm. THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS COMING! And yet
they failed to have crews in place to fix the electricity as soon as it
went off. It just shows that Bush and the Republicans just don't care
about the people in the Northeast. The Senate needs to investigate this
with administration personnel under oath.
We speculate that the great junior senator from N.Y. has opened the doors
of her Long Island mansion to all of the heatless poor of her neighborhood
and is busy baking cookies for them while her husband applies body heat to the nearly frozen teen-aged girls.
Here kitty, kitty kitty.
sound
http://www.fridaypage.com/images/fridayp...
Leroy The Redneck Reindeer
turn on speakers
http://www.minibite.com/christmas/leroy.htm
a poem....
The Irish Pig
'Twas an evening in November,
As I very well remember.
I was strolling down the street in drunken pride,
But my knees were all aflutter,
So I landed in the gutter,
And a pig came up 'an lay down by my side.
Yes, I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
When a colleen passing by did softly say,
"You can tell a man that boozes
By the company he chooses."
At that the pig got up and walked away!
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day....**
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Now you may never look at the angel on top of the Christmas tree the same again.
Fats Domino joined by Ray Charles, Jerry Lee Lewis
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1wgu_rcharles-jllewis-fdomino
Worth Watching
This clever piece originated in Australia . It's also very informative. Just click once on the link below.
You may be looking at a blank screen for a few seconds, but the video eventually comes on.
http://dingo.care-mail.com/cards/flash/5409/galaxy.swf
Snow shoveling scam reported by a friend
http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/shovel/
Friends..
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
An Old Cowboy's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers, and lawyers at a distance.
* Love your enemies, but keep your gun oiled.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. .
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you
from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from
bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than
puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody
else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the
rest to God.
A pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He
gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this, and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just
testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
The pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
"The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!"
The pilot smirks, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
A Different Christmas Poem
The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..
To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.
No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at 'Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.
I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
"So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."
Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."
.
LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq
The Marine....
Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Katy Couric, and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request
before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of
hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and
returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die
content."
Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "Oh
Canada" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied
the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag
Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could
now die peacefully.
Ms. Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder
and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die
happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your
final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and
sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either
dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Couric, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them
to kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three report that I
was the aggressor?!?"
go here..
http://www.google.com/
Type in Failure then hit search and see what the #1 result is
and then laugh..
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was
cast under a spell by an evil witch.
The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a
whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
(This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.) One day
he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and
fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain
from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say
"my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that
he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without
speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the
end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him.
So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth
year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely
princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal
garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before
her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you!
Will you marry me?" And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair
behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her
ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
Dear Connie ,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. T*ts like you wouldn't believe and an azz that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sl*tty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway,we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack.She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole an*l thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise,can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.
Love,Dan
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.........
Mall Experience
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man didn't bat an eye in his response,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my son."
Happy Thanksgiving to All
dudes
Fabulous Shot Of a C-17 Globemaster Landing
http://www.ourlighterside.com/stuff/c17landing
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee. As she
bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her
skirt up and reveals a lack of underwear.
"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?"
her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and
says "For the sake of decency, here's 20. Go buy
yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she
too is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why
not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give
me."
He reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of
decency, here's 10. Go buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also
takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too,
is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"
She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be
able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says
"Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb.
Tidy yerself up a bit."
"It could have been worst"
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "It could have been worse."
"No way. How would it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There were three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!!!"
Adam'n Eve
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole damn thing
Five (5) lessons to make you think about the way we treat people.
>
>
> 1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
>
> During my second month of college, our professor
> gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
> and had breezed through the questions until I read
> the last one:
>
> "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
> Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
> cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
> dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?
>
> I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
> blank. Just before class ended, one st udent asked if
> the last question would count toward our quiz grade.
>
> "Absolutely, "said the professor. "In your careers,
> you will meet many people. All are significant. They
> deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
> is smile and say "hello."
>
> I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
> name was Dorothy.
>
> 2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain
>
> One night, at 11:30 P.M. , an older African American
> woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
> trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
> broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
> Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
> A young white man stopped to help her, generally
> unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
> took her to safety, helped her get assistance and
> put her into a taxicab.
>
> She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
> address and thanked him Seven days went by and a
> knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
> giant console color TV was delive! red to his home. A
> special note was attached..
>
> It read:
> "Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
> the other night. The rain drenched not only my
> clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
> Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
> husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
> bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
> others."
>
> Sincerely,
> Mrs. Nat King Cole.
>
> 3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
> who serve.
>
> In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
> a 10-year-old boy entered a hot el coffee shop and
> sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
> front of him.
>
> "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
>
> "Fifty cents, "replied the waitress.
>
> The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
> studied the coins in it
>
> "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
>
> By now more people were waiting for a table and the
> waitress was growing impatient.
>
> "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
>
> The little boy again counted his coins.
>
> "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
>
> The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
> the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
> cream, paid the cashier and left. Whe n the waitress
> came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
> table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
> were two nickels and five pennies..
>
> You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
> to have enough left to leave her a tip.
>
> 4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
>
> In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
> roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
> anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
> king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
> and sim p ly walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
> King for not keeping the r! oads cl ear, but none did
> anything about getting the stone out of the way.
>
> Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
> vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
> peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
> stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
> and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
> peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
> a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
> been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
> from the King indicating that the gold was for the
> person who removed the boulder from the roadway The
> peasant learned what many of us never understand!
>
> Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
> our condition.
>
> 5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...
>
> Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
> hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
> was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
> chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
> transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
> miraculously survived the same disease and had
> developed the antibodies needed to combat the
> illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
> little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
> be willing to give his blood to his sister.
>
> I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
> deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
> save her." As the transfusion pro gressed, he lay in
> bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the
color
>returning to her cheek. Then his
> face grew pale and his smile faded.
>
> He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
> trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
>
> Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
> doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
> sister all of his blood in order to save her.
CBS's Ed. Bradley dead at 65.
Thanks for all those great years, Ed. You'll be missed
60's
sound
This is lengthy but good.
http://oldfortyfives.com/TakeMeBackToTheSixties.htm
The New Wal_Mart Greeter
http://www.boreme.com/boremerigid/funny-2006/wal-mart-greeter-p1.php
The Art of Marriage
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night..... whether you're here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever”
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
**************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Generator For Sale
http://www.ourlighterside.com//stuff/generatorforsale
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.
85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are crazy!!!!