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Drunk Sermon
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The reccomended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Never Lie to your Mother
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
Half Sister
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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!
He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
OT: I know, that's Lucky for the Calgary Flames, ha ha ha.
I know. I try to avoid the television and newspaper these days. I'll stick to the NHL scoreboard for my primary news source as the rest is as frustrating as a pinksheet stock, ha ha ha.
Yogi's quotes are always the best. They make me laugh. I used to have a website marked that had a bunch of Yogi-isms.
bp,
i was only joking since the name of the lawyer is the exact same as the lawyer(richard gere) in the movie pretty woman. I'm sure that the read Ed has heard that a million times over the years.
I don't have his contact info yet, but I will dig it up.
nevermind, I guess i could have checked myself, ha ha ha.
welcome lightbulb, are you new to ihub or just this board?
Very frustrating when you are playing the waiting game.
I really liked Edward Lewis the lawyer. Remember his starring role in "Pretty Woman"? I think he was played by Ricky Gere in that one.
VLVT is going to get going soon, looks like more and more info is getting out.
It appears it will be a long and quiet wait for a return in this stock, however hopefully it will be of a magnitude that makes it worth wiating for.
I hate low volume stocks. I once held one for months unable to sell because there we no bid. I eventually sold my shares over 3 days, paid 3 fees, and learned a lesson.
I really like this stock and technology, too bad it wasn't more market friendly to me.
Tampa Bay Lightning 3
Philadelphia Flyers 0
PHILADELPHIA (Ticker) -- The Philadelphia Flyers' offense has disappeared again.
All-Star Martin St. Louis and Fredrik Modin each had a goal and an assist and John Grahame made 34 saves as the Tampa Bay Lightning handed the Flyers their second straight shutout loss, 3-0.
After winning 10 of 11 games, the Flyers have scored just one goal in three consecutive losses, including back-to-back shutout defeats for the first time since October 1999. From November 2-December 2, Philadelphia scored more than two goals just once in 14 games, going 4-6-4 with four shutout defeats.
Former Flyer Ruslan Fedotenko tallied in the first period and St. Louis capitalized on a turnover in the Flyers' zone late in the second, scoring his 24th goal to give the Lightning a 2-0 lead.
Modin capped the scoring midway through the third with a shorthanded goal, sealing the victory for Grahame. Acquired from Boston on January 13, the 27-year-old turned aside 11 shots in the second period and 16 in the third for his first shutout with Tampa Bay and second this season.
The win was just the second in 23 visits to Philadelphia for the Lightning, who improved to 3-1-1 in their last five games overall.
Having just travelled across 14 different states in the past 6 days, I would like to say that Illinois sucks by far the most of any of them, followed closely by New York.
North Dakota is really cool, unfortunately nobody is there to enjoy it, ha ha ha.
I'm still catching up on reading about some of the changes, but let me see if I got this straight.
-i can block PM's
-some fonts have changed
-joemonkey is still in jail
-jmhollen is whining alot
-I get an XL tee shirt with a dirty limerick on it and $100 to spend on a 3 pack of trojans and a cheap hooker
-the contest was a success
-membership is up, page views are up
-your new assistant refuses to wear fishnets and a mini
-the only war so far is on the battle board
I think that sums up the past 6 days? ha ha ha
Nope, its me. My computer is all screwed up. I think somebody 'fixed it' while I was gone, and I had just given it a 2 hour 'tune-up'.
HAHAHAHA, this is one of the best boards I have read since I got back. This is hilarious!
Hi guys I'm back in the real world now. I'll dig up some more jokes this week, something a little off the wall I think is in order.
Hi board. I just got back from a LOOOOOONNNGGGG drive (4600 Miles) and it is good to see the board starting to get active.
Ihub is a great place to be, loaded with features, and lots of decent people posting here.
Flyers name Terry Murray assistant coach
Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - The Philadelphia Flyers announced Monday that they have named Terry Murray an assistant coach. Murray was a head coach for the Flyers, Washington Capitals and Florida Panthers in the past.
The 52-year-old has been a pro scout for the Flyers for parts of the last three seasons. Murray was previously the head coach for the Florida Panthers from 1998-2001. In his three seasons as coach of the Panthers, Murray accrued a 79-90-31 record.
Before becoming head coach of the Panthers, Murray spent four seasons working in Philadelphia's organization, including three as head coach. After serving as a scout in 1997-1998, he was chosen to become the coach of the Flyers. In three years at the helm with Philadelphia, Murray compiled a 118-64-30 record. The former NHL defenseman won two Atlantic Division Championships, and made one trip to the Stanley Cup Finals while coaching the Flyers.
The Shawnville, Quebec native also coached the Washington Capitals for five seasons (1989-90 through 1993-94). Murray has posted a career NHL coaching record of 360-288-89.
Lemieux to miss the NHL All-Star Game
Pittsburgh, PA (Sports Network) - Pittsburgh Penguins star Mario Lemieux will not play in Sunday's All-Star Game because of a nagging groin injury. Lemieux decided Tuesday that he will not return to the Penguins' lineup until after the All-Star break in order to continue his recovery.
The Eastern Conference is already without Toronto goaltender Ed Belfour, Montreal forward Saku Koivu and Rangers defenseman Brian Leetch.
Lemieux still leads the NHL in scoring this season with 68 points in 41 games, despite the injury, which has kept him out of eight of the past nine games. He reached the 20-goal plateau for the 12th time in his career.
Last season, Lemieux was hampered by a hip injury that limited him to just six goals and 25 assists in 24 games.
One of the greatest NHL players ever, Lemieux has won the Art Ross Trophy as the NHL's leading scorer six times, been named NHL First All-Star team five times and topped the 100-point mark in a season 10 times. He led the Penguins to their only two Stanley Cup titles (1991 and 1992) and was the NHL Rookie of the Year in 1984.
Lemieux has 674 goals and 995 assists in 853 regular season games and 76 goals and 96 assists in 107 postseason contests.
NHL tuned out of reality
January 28, 2003
Brett Hull's 10 suggestions on how to improve the NHL caused quite a stir in hockey circles. Though we have neither the cash nor cachet that Hull does, his proposals inspired us to tack on a few of our own.
Crackdown on Crackdowns: Didn't everyone want to believe the NHL was serious this time when they said they'd had it with the clutch-and-grab industry? Were we one of the people who sneered at players who predicted things would be back to normal after Christmas? Shouldn't the league be utterly embarrassed that, year after year, its initiatives to improve the game fall by the wayside, victims of weak-willed management and mealy-mouthed double speak?
The answer to all three questions is yes; Like clockwork, the movement to eliminate obstruction is disappearing faster than Donald Audette's career, and with every muted whistle, the league's credibility takes another bashing.
Still not convinced? Consider a couple of recent testimonials: "Right now, I don't see any change from last year, or the year before," Detroit's Luc Robitaille told Canada's Globe and Mail. " It might change next week, but right now, (players) know we were right. The thing that's frustrating is that different referees call it differently. That's what screws it up."
Across the continent, the feeling was much the same.
"They're not calling it the way they said they would," said Canucks center Brendan Morrison. "They clamped down in the pre-season and early on, but the statistics don't lie."
In our estimation, there's only one thing worse than ignoring a problem that has festered as long as the obstruction issue has, and that's pretending to solve it. Did NHL brass think that fans would enter the new year and check their collective memory at the gate, or were they simply paying lip service to an increasingly angry clientele they profess to care about? Either way, it amounts to shoddy customer service, and next September, when the league tells fans that they really mean it this time, let's pray they don't get a drip of ink or a second of airtime.
Three-Team Limit For Coaches: Hey, if length of service can be restricted for someone as powerful as the President of the United States, why not impose similar terms on a job people really care about?
We can't be the only ones bored senseless every time the same retreads are mentioned to fill a coaching vacancy.
(By the way, did we miss something, or did the league try to pay tribute to legendary bench boss Scotty Bowman by forcing every team needing a new coach to offer the job to him first? Calgary and Atlanta were the first to do it, and after we changed our undershorts from laughing so hard, we decided enough was enough.)
You're right, such a limit would have prevented luminaries like Roger Neilson, Pat Quinn, Bowman and Brian Sutter from extending their careers as long as they have. Still, you can't convince us that there isn't a legion of candidates, working in the minor leagues and as NHL assistants, who deserve the same chance to fail that GMs extend to the same circle of guys again and again.
Guys like Keith Acton. Guys such as Barry Smith. Or Perry Pearn. Or Wayne Fleming. Or Mike Kitchen. Or Don Lever. Each one of them waiting patiently for a shot, each one undoubtedly disappointed every time the familiar suspects are rounded up.
Limiting coaches to three different employers tells the Pearns and Kitchens of the world a meritocracy is still a possibility, that their contributions are not going ignored in favor of the latest warmed-over has-been; It opens the door to innovative strategies and new personalities. Most of all, it puts a stop to rewarding mediocrity. At least outside of the arbitration process.
Juice-Up Labor Negotiations: Remember, at its core, pro sports is the business of entertainment. With that in mind, why not turn the dialogue between Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow into a reality TV show? (Granted, Bettman and Goodenow aren't exactly Jerry Springer and Bill O'Reilly, but it couldn't be any worse than "Bridezilla".)
Done correctly, we could be talking pay-per-view-level excitement. Picture each man hooked up to a lie detector. Now picture one of them telling THN Contributing Editor Mark Brender that no preliminary offer has been made to attempt to stave off a labor stoppage, as happened in THN's 100 People of Power issue. Now picture the other man telling Brender the exact opposite, as also happened in THN's 100 People of Power issue.
Once the audience discovers who is telling the truth, and who is, er, "acting in the best interests of his clients", have the fibber eat a giraffe testicle, or an antelope hoof, a la "Fear Factor". Or put them in a house with "Surreal Life" stars Emmanuel "Webster" Lewis, Corey Feldman and MC Hammer until they come to terms on a new collective bargaining agreement. Or put both of them up against a buffalo herd to see who can produce the most fertilizer in 60 minutes, like they do on "Man vs. Beast".
Anything would be an improvement on the dust-dry, sleep-inducing non-statements we're bound to be inundated by between now and September 2004.
In Need Of Some Lightning
Flyers hope to get back into the win column against Tampa Bay
By Brian Marks, philadelphiaflyers.com
The Flyers are in need of some winning medicine after dropping two games over the weekend to the New York Islanders and Boston Bruins. It wasn’t that they played bad - a team is just not going to win every single game. So, what better vaccine than facing the Tampa Bay Lightning, a team that hasn’t won in Philadelphia in more than six years? Or is it?
The teams met just 10 days ago at the First Union Center and the Flyers found out firsthand that the Lightning are not an easy team to handle. While the Flyers outplayed the Lightning, they just would not go away. It took a Michal Handzus third-period game-winning goal to give the Flyers a 3-2 victory.
It was just as hard on November 19 when the Flyers fought off another Lightning storm to win, 3-2, this time in Tampa Bay. The Flyers built a 3-1 lead, but the Lightning scored to make it a one-goal game entering the third period. The Flyers fended off their comeback attempt, but took note of their desperate play.
The young Lightning lineup is led by right wing Martin St. Louis (47 points - 23G,24A), center Vincent Lecavalier (46 points - 21G,25A), center Brad Richards (44 points - 10G,34A) and former Flyer Vaclav Prospal (47 points - 11G,36A).
Despite that offensive punch - five Lightning players have more points than any Flyer - it is the defense that has been the team's downfall. Goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin is having an off-year by his standards. The All-Star netminder has an 18-19-6 record on the season with a 2.78 goals-against average (GAA), a .903 save percentage and two shutouts. He recently received some support by way of the trade that brought goalie John Grahame to the team from Boston. Grahame is a steady back-up and his combined numbers this year are a 13-10-2 record, a 2.61 GAA and one shutout.
Defense is obviously not something that has slipped the grasps of the Flyers, however. While they lost in overtime, the Flyers’ game with Boston on Saturday showcased their smothering “D” as it created no holes for the opposing offense to work with. It is something the team is very proud of. Even though they had a little bit of an offensive letdown over the weekend, their defensive play has finally paved the way for a much-improved “O.”
“Our approach has been guys come focused and prepared to play every game and we’re doing a lot of things right,” said Keith Primeau. “Defensively, we were doing things right in the first half, but we just weren’t generating anything offensively. Now, we’ve put the two aspects together and we’re a different team.”
“We’re getting big contributions for our lines, especially Handzus’ line in the last three weeks,” said Jeremy Roenick. “It’s nice. It takes pressure off guys like myself and [Mark Recchi] and [Primeau] and makes our whole balanced attack more potent.”
Head Coach Ken Hitchcock credits the forecheck for creating the offensive output.
“The more we check, the better we check, the more we score,” Hitchcock said. “The players are sold on it. Since we started checking better, we're getting more scoring chances and scoring more goals. That is what it’s about.”
Tampa Bay has just a 3-7-2-1 record in their last 13 games and have not won any of the past eight meetings with the Flyers (0-6-2). The Orange and Black will use that to their advantage in a building the Lightning haven’t struck for victory since January 9, 1997, a skid of 0-9-4. Game time is 7:00 p.m.
Notes: The Flyers announced today that defenseman Marcus Ragnarsson has been cleared to play and should be in the lineup for Tuesday's game...With Ragnarsson's return to the lineup, the Flyers today reassigned defenseman Jim Vandermeer to the Philadelphia Phantoms (AHL)...Vandermeer had posted a goal and two penalty minutes in 10 games for the Flyers this season...The team also announced today that Terry Murray would be joining the coaching staff as an assistant coach...Murray had served as a pro scout for the Flyers over the last three seasons.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Flyers’ Centers Of Attention, And Deservingly So
By Jim Jackson, Flyers broadcaster
In building his teams over the years, club President and General Manager Bob Clarke has never hidden the fact that he believes strength down the middle is a vital element to the success of any club. Thus, a strong corps of center men would seem to be a must. This season’s edition of the Flyers is certainly an example of Clarke’s model. Based upon recent performance, it can be argued that no team in the NHL is better set at the center ice position than the Flyers.
Each center brings different attributes to the table. Jeremy Roenick is the flash of the group. His speed and creativity make him Philadelphia’s top offensive threat. J.R. is a guy that other teams have to focus on when devising defensive game plans to stop the Flyers. It doesn’t hurt that Roenick brings a ton of personality to the proceedings, either. He keeps people on their toes for sure.
Captain Keith Primeau is a big bull of a center that likes to bang and crash to create scoring chances. Head Coach Ken Hitchcock has placed a lot of responsibility on Primeau, and he seems to be thriving with it. He is often pitted up against the top offensive pivot of the opposition and Primeau usually rises to the occasion with his battering ram style.
Michal Handzus has been a revelation. Acquired with Robert Esche in the trade that sent Brian Boucher to Phoenix, one could argue that he has been the most consistent performer on the entire team over the course of the first 50 games this season. He arrived with the reputation of being tough to play against due to his superb defensive approach. However, in addition to that, Handzus has contributed offensively, ranking near the top of the Flyers’ goal scoring list.
Yes, all three have their own identity. At the same time though, Roenick, Primeau and Handzus have some common characteristics, too. First of all, each of the centers plays the game with an edge. Just ask Toronto’s Robert Svehla and Dallas’ Mike Modano about Roenick’s aggressive side. Primeau is second to only Donald Brashear on the Flyers in hits. Handzus is strong along the wall in battles for loose pucks, so often doing the dirty work to win possession.
Another similarity would be their defensive responsibility. Handzus has always had this label, but Primeau and Roenick have developed this trait as well. As mentioned earlier, Primeau often takes on the top offensive players as his defensive assignment, while Roenick demonstrated an ability to round off his game by registering a +32 last season, which was second in the NHL.
During the Flyers’ recent stretch of 10 wins in 11 games, their centers were as important as ever. They were physical. They played well defensively. And they tossed in 15 goals during the 11-game span. It just doesn’t get much better than that.
So, it begs the question. Do the Flyers have the best trio of centers in the National Hockey League? A quick search of NHL rosters yields only a small group of teams that would match up with Philadelphia down the middle.
It appears that there have been some upgrades since I have been gone for 6 days? Or has someone just adjusted all my cpu settings? ha ha ha
I'm home now, has anything changed here in a week?
I'll have to go get them off kazza and watch them, ha ha ha
Not only did I miss the game but I missed all the commercials
Did i win?
I'm home now. Lots of sega mails in the email.
I'm back, was there a ball game while i was gone?
I'm back home now. Looks like I have lots of catching up to do.
That would be the absolute best partner I can think of as far as generatng publicity surrounding a project. Although the HD brand is so strong it might be tough to get a mention in any publicity that is genereated. Good digging and gueriila due diligence, I wish I was around and could do a little investigating into that lead.
I'll be back in a week or so. Talk to you all again then.
Thanks, I'll send everyone a postcard.
I'm off on the amtrak to Boston, I'll write epic tales of my adventure when I return, ha ha ha
I'm off to Boston, back in a week. see you all then.
This board is really getting good now.
Well I am off to Boston this morning, I want to see 12 cents on the bid when I get home. ha ha ha. See you all in a few days.
A 3-1 win over Leafs has Flyers on longest road winning streak in 18 years
NEIL STEVENS
Canadian Press
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
CREDIT: (CP/Kevin Frayer)
TORONTO (CP) - After beating the Toronto Maple Leafs 3-1 Tuesday night for their 10th win in 11 games, the Philadelphia Flyers were liking their chances of going all the way this season.
"We believe we're just as good as anybody in the league," said right-winger Mark Recchi. "You stay healthy, get great goaltending, and really stick with it, and you have a chance. "There's a lot of things that can happen in the next 30-something games but we like the way we're going. We've had a lot of one- and two-goal games. We know how to play in those, and that's playoff hockey."
Michal Handzus scored for Philadelphia at 16:11 of the first period, and Alexander Mogilny tied it for Toronto 54 seconds into the third. Goaltenders Roman Cechmanek and Mikael Tellqvist were outstanding. Coach Ken Hitchcock's Atlantic Division leaders won it on goals by Jeremy Roenick at 9:48 and by Recchi at 10:10 of the third.
"We have a good thing going and it's a good feeling in the locker-room," Roenick said after Philadelphia lengthened its road winning streak to six games - the club's longest in opposition rinks in 18 years. "We're really playing strong defensively.
"At one point, we were 15 points behind Boston. We were behind a lot of people until we started really turning it on. When you win 10 of 11 games, you're going to catch a lot of teams. We feel good right now but we can't get complacent and feel satisfied. We have to have the attitude that we have to keep this going as long as we possibly can."
The Flyers, 27-11-8-1, are 11 points ahead of Boston now. They also are within three points of Eastern Conference leader Ottawa.
Philadelphia has won its last four games after being tied with the opposition in the third period.
"We've played within our system," said Recchi. "Hitch has implemented something that's been very good for us.
"We all trust it and we all know what we have to do. We take away ice, take away the neutral zone, and create a lot of turnovers. It's definitely a skater's system. You can't be standing around. We're using four lines. We have to play this way."
The Leafs, 25-18-4-1, had their longest home unbeaten streak in 30 years halted at 13 games.
"All three of the (Flyers) goals were off turnovers and poor coverage," said coach Pat Quinn. "The hardest part in this business is when you beat yourself."
Quinn was satisfied with the work of Tellqvist, making his first NHL start because No. 1 goalie Ed Belfour remained out with a sore back and backup Trevor Kidd has a groin injury. Quinn said he expected Belfour to start Friday when the Leafs play in Buffalo.
The Flyers should be even better when John LeClair returns. The big left-winger has been out since Dec. 4 shoulder surgery but he's talking about being back in action by the middle of February.
"It's great to know John is coming back," said Recchi. "He's quite a bit ahead of schedule. It'll be nice to have him back."
Said Hitchcock: "He skates for the first time (Thursday) so it's going to be a huge boost for our hockey club."
This was one of the best games in Air Canada Centre this season. The tempo was fast, the hitting was heavy, and only four penalties were assessed.
The Leafs grabbed the momentum when Mogilny scored with a shot that ricocheted past Cechmanek off the skate blade of Eric Desjardins.
"We were really coming on strong," said captain Mats Sundin.
Said Hitchcock: "We were too much on our heels trying to protect a 1-0 lead for too long. They started to come after us but it just seemed that when they scored it was a wakeup call for us. We really played well right after that. They're a very good puck-control team and we had to stay patient in our positioning."
Tellqvist stopped Roenick on a breakaway early in the third, but a few minutes later Roenick beat him with a wrist shot from the circle to the left of the Swedish netminder after Toronto defenceman Tomas Kaberle coughed up the puck in his own zone.
Recchi pushed in a rebound 22 seconds later.
"We're not the flashiest team in the league but we play well as a group, and when you play well as a group sometimes teams in front of you crack," said Hitchcock. "We've been able to get some teams to crack lately."
Notes: Both teams were 0-for-2 on power plays . . . Philadelphia outshot Toronto 26-23 . . . Kim Johnsson (24:40) and Eric Weinrich (23:57) logged the most ice time for the Flyers. Tomas Kaberle (24:13) and Bryan McCabe (23:49) were on most for the Leafs . . . Toronto was 9-1-0-0 on Tuesdays before the loss . . . LW Gary Roberts, on the slow road back from off-season shoulder surgeries, is ready to participate in practices . . . D Jyrki Lumme (upper body, Jan. 17) missed his second in a row . . . F Tom Fitzgerald (ribs, Jan. 4) hopes to play in Buffalo.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.