happy new year ladies

r u ready for turkey day?

happy saturday

happy columbus day ladies :)

The Non-Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

Lunch

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack

Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

Dinner

Loaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars



Rules For This Diet

1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.

8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.

9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.

10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.

11. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other.

I do not like the unknown or the unexpected.

I cannot stand being surprised

happy weekend ladies

look another shit day...

so happy it's thursday

look another s.h.i.t. day

so happy it's thursday

happy thursday ladies :)

hi ladies

hey hey to all the ladies :)

hi ladies

Lotto is the answer, the only answer.

Your spouse wins, then leaves you.

hi ladies post 'em if u got 'em

hi ladies

Joke of the year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding
their own business.

Sharon Stone's provocative leg-crossing scene in "Basic Instinct" has topped a new poll to find the most-paused movie moments.

hi ladies

lol, i heard that too

hi everybody esp all the banned boys ;)

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!


His letter.

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 27 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER Carla & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Her letter.

Dear Ex -Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 27 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much to try to drown out your constant whining and griping.. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica , but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

When a man and woman meet for the first time, various things go through their heads.

The woman might be thinking, "Gee, he's not bad looking, and those are nice shoes he's got, he must have a decent job. I love his smile, and he seems to actually be listening to what I say, although if this is going to go anywhere we'll have to do something about that beard."

And of course the man's thinking, "Great tits!"

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Politically Correct Terms For Males

* He does not have a beer gut; He develops a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
* He is not quiet; He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
* He does not have a fabulous rear end; He has achieved BUTTOCKS PERFECTION.
* He is not stupid; He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
* He does not get lost all the time; He discovers ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
* He is not balding; He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
* You do not buy him a drink; You initiate an ALCOHOL-FOR-CONVERSATION EXCHANGE.
* He does not fart and belch; He is GASTRONOMICALLY EXPRESSIVE.
* His jeans are not too tight; He is ANATOMICALLY UNDERCIRCULATED.
* He is not a redneck; He is a GENETICALLY-RELATED AMERICAN.
* You do not kiss him; you become FACIALLY CONJOINED.
* He is not a cradle robber; He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
* He does not get falling-down drunk; He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
* He does not act like a total ass; He develops A CASE OF RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
* He is not short; He is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
* He does not have a rich daddy; He is a RECIPIENT OF PARENTAL ASSET INFUSION.
* He does not constantly talk about cars; He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
* He does not have a hot body; He is PHYSICALLY COMBUSTIBLE.
* He is not unsophisticated; He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
* He does not eat like a pig; He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
* He does not hog the blankets; He is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
* He is not a sex machine; he is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
* You do not undress him with your eyes; You have AN INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
* He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you giver her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit'

Politically Correct Terms for Females


She does not get PMS,
she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not have a killer body,
she is terminally attractive.

She is not a bad cook,
she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver,
she is automotively challenged.

She is not a Perfect 10,
she is numerically superior.

She is not easy,
she is horizontally accessible.

She does not hate sports on TV,
she is athletically biased.

She does not have sexy lips,
she is collagen dependent.

She does not get drunk,
she is accidentally over served or
she becomes verbally dyslexic.

You do not ask her to dance,
you request a precoital rhythmic experience.

She is not a gossip,
she is a verbal terminator.

She does not work out too much,
she is an abdominal overachiever.

Q: Why do women like wearing black panties?
A: It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"

Q: What are night terrors?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

That women should fake an orgasm was recommended by the Roman poet Ovid in his famous book Ars Amatoria

“ So, then, my dear ones, feel the pleasure in the very marrow of your bones; share it fairly with your lover, say pleasant, naughty things the while. And if Nature has withheld from you the sensation of pleasure, then teach your lips to lie and say you feel it all. Unhappy is the woman who feels no answering thrill. But, if you have to pretend, don't betray yourself by over-acting. Let your movements and your eyes combine to deceive us, and, gasping, panting, complete the illusion "

Q: Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
A: If they do it, it's odd!

Jewish Mother: "Hello?"

Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"

Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"

Daughter: "Yes."

Jewish Mother: "With whom?"

Daughter: "With a friend."

Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."

Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me!"

Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."

Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"

Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."

Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."

Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at?"

Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."

Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"

Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"

Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"

Daughter: "He's not a loser."

Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."

Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"

Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."

Daughter: "Such a what?"

Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."

Daughter: "ENOUGH!!!"

Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!"

Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser?"

Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see, he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately."

Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."

Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?"

Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"

Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"

The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone

The wife continued to beg and plead and promised she wouldn't get angry.

Finally, the husband gave in.

"Okay," he said, "Let's see, there was one, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you -- nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."

These two ladies were avid anglers who often went fishing together. One of the ladies was much more successful and invariably would catch more fish from her side of the boat.

One day, in frustration, the other lady asked her for her secret.

She responded, "Before I get out of bed I look under the covers at my husband's penis. If it is laying over to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If it is laying to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."

Her partner then asked, "What if it is standing straight up?"

She replied, "I don't go fishing that day!"

Q: What does a Jewish woman say just before she has an orgasm?
A: Sorry Mom, but I have to hang up now!

The World's 18 Strangest Bathrooms

Bathrooms, whether public or private, encounter plenty of abuse. The constant inflow and outflow of water paired with limited space and high demands on hygiene and efficiency make it one of the most difficult rooms to design. But there are plenty of architects who have stepped up to the challenge. Here is some of the most innovative bathroom engineering in the world.

http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/just-dreaming/staticslideshowpm.aspx?cp-documentid=25358304>1=32023#q=The%20World%27s%2018%20Strangest%20Bathrooms%3A%20See-Through%20Toilet%20

Understanding Guys: 10 Ugly Truths You Need to Know

Men may be dogs, but we love them anyway. Want details? Here's a peek into the private minds of men. Although some of these truths may not be pretty, they'll help you understand guys in your life.

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/understanding-guys?link=msn%3A10%20Ugly%20Truths%20About%20Men%5FThe%20World%27s%2018%20Strangest%20Bathrooms&dom=msn&tpc=&src=syn&con=slide&mag=pop

Women's Worst Health Habits Revealed

http://health.msn.com/womens-health/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100262805>1=31036

Q: What is the definition of a bachelor?
A: It's some guy who's depriving some woman of her God-given right to alimony.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

"What was that for?"

"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it"

"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

"What was that for this time?"

"Your horse phoned!"

Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?"

He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."

She answered back, "It's supposed to!"

Texting, and driving video, sad....

http://www.coolestone.com/media/778/Texting_While_Driving_-_COW_Taster_001/

Heidi Montag Wants Huge Breast Implants OUT

10 top romantic hotels

http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE67J1M020100820

23 Things Single Women Wish We Could Tell Men

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=25035645>1=32023

The 20 Best Restaurant Foods in America

http://eatthis.womenshealthmag.com/slideshow/20-best-restaurant-foods-america?cm_mmc=MSN-_-ETNT-_-Worst_Mall_Foods-_-20_Best_Restaurant_Foods_Slideshow

Controversy In 'Morning After Pills'