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Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out man !
What do give a man who has everything ?
Penicillin !
My grandson keeps running around naked,
so I sprayed him with Windex.
It's supposed to prevent streaking.
I don't see why I should have to clean the shower.
In my opinion, it's the shower's job to clean me.
A journey of a thousand miles start with one step and what else?
Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player?
Because love means nothing !
A guy wearing camo and in a wheelchair robbed me
He can hide, but he can't run.
"I'm going to take some classes in Italy."
Friend: "Great! But you didn't tell me you were going to study abroad."
Me: "Hopefully a few broads, at least."
Trouble at home
My wife asked me, " is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Big mistake saying, "no, it's just you."
My wife is a Sex Object.
Every time i ask for sex, she objects.
Remember this old joke?
What's a 'buccaneer'?
A high price to pay for corn.
Well not so funny now.
A good price to pay for corn.
'bucandahalfanear'
Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.
It’s also their biggest import.
People can be so rude
Had a problem with my cable bill so I called the company
A woman answered the phone
I asked her "Are we dating?"
She seemed taken back by the question but answered "No"
I then asked, "So why are you fucking me?"
Can you believe that bitch hung up on me?
Carl comes into...
...the living room, sees his wife in a crazy position and asks, "Darling, why are you trying to reach the ceiling with your legs?"
Wife answers, "You don't understand these things, Carl. It's called yoga and this is a position called the candle."
"And does the fact that you just farted have anything to do with it?" quips Carl.
Wife snaps back, "It's a scented candle! Now go away!"
Why is it that when you send something by car it's a shipment, but when you send it by ship, it's a cargo?
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry …
But graphing is where I draw the line.
Google is a woman.
Why else would it not let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions ?
I would never cheat in a relationship...
Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
So this really old guy goes to a whore house and asks
"What's the cheapest girl you have here?
"She goes for $80.00..."
"80 bucks?, You're puttin' me on"
"OK but that'll be another 20.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed
man on a unicycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.
Guess I won’t be needing those any more.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible.
I think she must have given me a cold or something.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
I slept with my large-breasted neighbor.
I think I've contracted the boob-onic plague.
During an argument with my wife, she bragged that women are better at multitasking.
I asked her to sit down and shut up but she couldn’t do it.
Who was the first athlete to "take a knee"? <
Tonya Harding
My great-aunt looked confused when I told her that my daughter was 18 months old
"Oh," she said. "I thought she was a year and a half."
"But Aunt Marie," I said, "18 months and a year and a half are the same."
She shrugged. "What do I know? I never had kids."
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames,
and the whole office is staring Rat Snitch Brian the Good Times Ruiner.
Why do pumpkins sit on peoples porches?
They don't have the guts to knock on the door !
Buckwheat of little rascal fame, became a Muslim
and changed his name to Kareem of Wheat !
What's Forrest Gump's password ?
1Forrest1 !
What do you call a deaf gynecologist ?
A LIP READER !
After using my wife's perfume for many years, I finally acquired...............yep.....................cologne cancer.
Why did the blonde snort Sweet and Low?
She thought it was diet coke.
I’m writing a book about WD-40.
It’s non-friction.
I went to the grocery store today and bought a massive cucumber, the biggest they had.
I also bought a tub of Vaseline lubricant as I didn’t want the checkout operator to get the wrong idea.
I didn’t want her thinking I was vegan
Quotes from Jay Leno...
This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."
Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
A German psychologist says that women talk more than men because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out because men only listen half the time.
Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
According to a new poll, fifty percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other fifty percent think it isn't.
Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England."
Parrot Dream Fulfilled...
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
— Becs 🇬🇧 (@becs2986) September 29, 2024
Why is gravity so cheap? It's mass produced .
Why do fat women defy the laws of gravity?
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Dr Martin V Nostrand was nearly switched at birth
at the hospital. Fortunately they caught his mom in the act.
What did Neal Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How do you know when the moon is broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.
Two neighbors, tired of the way traffic Fly's up and down the street, planted hedges from their front doors to the curb
on each side of the street. Then put signs saying Slow please Nudist crossing.
The last time I was someone’s type … I was donating blood.
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.
And carried it to a table of friends.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind
“hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Australian man wakes up in the hospital.........
Man: "Doctor, was I brought here to die ?"
Doctor: "No, you were brought here yester-die."
How did the vampire end up in an insane asylum?
He had turned batty.
On a fishing trip, my father told my 5-year-old brother that it was time he learned to bait his own hook
and then left him to figure it out. When he returned, my dad found my brother holding a fishing hook
in one hand and staring at a squirming worm in the other. "What are you doing?" Dad asked.
My brother, nodded toward the worm, quietly answered, "I'm waiting for him to open his mouth."
I was teasing my girlfriend about her weight, and she got really offended.
I told her to lighten up.
My wife sued for divorce................
She said it was because I couldn't get an erection.
I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I used to have chronic diarrhea.......
but now I've got my shit together.
I told a contortionist I didn't think much of his act.
He got all bent out of shape.
I was talking to my grandfather, and he said to me you know when I came here
all I had was a sack on my back now look see all them shops over there I own them, see all the factories up there I own them!
I said, gee grandad what did you have in the sack? He said,4 million dollars!!!
My wife said, you only want sex when you’re drunk
I said, that’s not true sometimes I want a steak!!
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today, he asked us what seems to be the problem?
I said well Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic !
My father was born a conjoined twin we referred to him as our uncle on my father’s side ,
until they were surgically separated then he was our uncle once removed!!
A guy says to Linda’s husband what would you do if your wife cheated on you?
He replies, I’d throw his dog through the window and break his cane!
The guy says what dog? He says, if a guy sleeps with my wife, he must be blind!!!
Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, and Guam as states.
53 is a prime number.
Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.
Got a new job...... as a guillotine operator.
I'll beheading there soon.
While hiking with a friend......
Me : I just saw a wolf !!
Friend : Where?
Me : No, the regular kind.
Boss told me I am the worst train driver ever...
He shouted, " do you know how many times you've derailed this year?
I said " No, it's hard to keep track. "
Met a girl at the bar................
After awhile, she promised to show me a good time.
When we left, she ran 100 meters in 6.3 seconds.
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut..... and has been sitting around all weekend, crying.
Don't know what she's crying about.
I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend.
Got a thumbs up on the prostrate exam today.....
Two blondes enter a bus. ?“Hey, does this take me to the train station?” asks the first one.?
“Nope,” said the driver.?Other blonde asks, “What about me?”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
.........................................New Jersey. I'm in New Jersey.
I don't like being bald, so I bought a wig.
It's a look anyone can pull off.
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like a tampon?
You're in a good place but at the wrong time
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her:
"Mom, I'm 15!" Mom: "I'm 30"
What did an out of money hooker ask her friend?
"Can you lend me $20 until I'm on my back again?"
I’ve never been lucky with the ladies although I
once met a feminist prostitute who insisted on paying half.
Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?
An Uber is cruising down a street when it runs a
red light. "Hey!" the passenger shouts. "Be careful!"
"Don't worry," says the driver. "My brother does it all the time."
He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, "Stop doing that!"
"I'm telling you, my brother does this all the time."
They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes.
The confused passenger asks, "You just ran two red lights, why'd you stop at a green?"
"I had to," says the driver. "My brother might have been coming."
The thing about the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
What's the difference between a nail stylist and a hair stylist?
One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with her left hand ?
She used her right hand to moan.
My favorite hooker is named Rachel.........
We have an enter-Rachel relationship.
Next week has been designated as "National Diarrhea Awareness Week."
It runs all week.
A wife is cute when she is mute.
A husband is called honey when he gives her money.
Britain's crime minister has bag stolen at police conference
By Andrew Macaskill
September 12, 202410:07 AM EDTUpdated 5 days ago
Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice gives HMPPs statement at the House of Commons in London
Member of Parliament for Kingston upon Hull North, Diana Johnson speaks as Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice gives HMPPs statement at the House of Commons in London, Britain September 7, 2023. UK Parliament/Maria Unger/Handout via REUTERS/File Photo Purchase Licensing Rights, opens new tab
LONDON, Sept 12 (Reuters) - Britain's police and crime minister had her bag stolen at a conference for senior and midranking police officers where she spoke about the growing problem of theft and shoplifting, a government official said on Thursday.
The incident occurred when Diana Johnson attended the Police Superintendents' Association conference in central England on Tuesday where one senior officer told her in a speech that the criminal justice system was broken.
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The official said Johnson had her bag stolen at the conference, but no security risk had been identified. In her speech, Johnson said Britain had been "gripped by an epidemic of anti-social behaviour, theft and shoplifting".
The Home Office, or interior ministry, declined to comment.
Warwickshire Police said a 56-year-old man was arrested on suspicion of burglary and released on bail in connection to the incident.
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Britain has been hit by an increase in thefts and shoplifting in recent years. While overall crime has generally been decreasing, the number of thefts from individuals of items like bags and mobile phones rose by 40% in the year ending March, according to the Office for National Statistics.
This has contributed to public support for the police falling to record lows. A poll by YouGov earlier this year found more than half of the public do not trust the police to solve crimes, and over a third said they have no faith in the police to maintain law and order.
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00:12
Flooded Polish spa town looks 'like an apocalypse' after dam burst
In her speech, Johnson announced plans to give more police officers training to tackle anti-social behaviour after a "decade of decline".
"Too many town centres and high streets across the country have been gripped by an epidemic of anti-social behaviour, theft and shoplifting which is corroding our communities and cannot be allowed to continue," she said.
The Reuters Daily Briefing newsletter provides all the news you need to start your day. Sign up here.
Reporting by Andrew MacAskill, editing by Elizabeth Piper and Philippa Fletcher
Our Standards: The Thomson Reuters Trust Principles.
will remember this one- next time shopping:
Trying to get online at my mother-in-law's, I scrolled through various Internet access names.
One neighbor's Wi-Fi really stood out:
"You Kids Get Off My LAN!"
I forgot the word articulate in a recent
interview and instead said, I'm good at saying things."
I have lots of Asian friends....................
....................from all woks of life.
Bartender: "What'll ya have ?"
Me: "Surprise me."
Bartender: ( shows me picture of him in bed with my wife )
Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"
Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."
Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"
I have a joke about Cobalt, Radon, and Ytterium,
but it's CoRnY.
I have a fantasy to sleep with two women--
in the same year.
My beloved wife was missing for 24 hrs
so I reported it to the police. On day 4 a detective knocks on my door and says he has good news and bad news.
I said, ‘What’s the bad news?’
‘We found your wife’s body at the bottom of the bay, badly decomposed and covered in crabs.’ he said.
I was speechless for a moment, but soon managed to ask, ‘What the fuck could possibly be the good news?’
He sees how upset I am so he he puts his hand on my shoulder, looks me in the eye and says, ‘They’re Dungeness.’
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) September 11, 2024
Couldn’t agree more 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 pic.twitter.com/pxBW7OxjX2
— 🦋🦋CutThroatClassy🦋🦋 (@MakingtheDoh) September 9, 2024
Don't miss out on Chuckie's Haitian Barbecue! pic.twitter.com/hxbEvAGgv2
— Captain Sou (@SouSanDiego) September 9, 2024
— Alfred E. Newmemes (@AlfredENewmemes) September 9, 2024
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) September 9, 2024
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) September 7, 2024
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I think it's just a phase he's going through.
How many politicians it takes to shingle a roof?
Depends how thin you slice them.
A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications.
She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.
All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment" she had listed 'Babysitting'.
But then she read under "Reason for Leaving" and her daughter had answered, 'Parents came home'.
Grandson: "Grandpa, what was the biggest upgrade you saw when you were in school."
Me: "Colored chalk."
My wife damn near cut her nipple off............
..................while shaving her legs.
Congratulations to Yoko Ono turning 90 years old.
She may be 90, but one thing's for sure: her singing voice is still as good as it ever was.
I tried calling the tinnitus help line...
No answer, just kept ringing.
I woke up this morning and felt like going for a 10 mile run.
So I went back to sleep until the feeling went away.
I got up this morning and ran around the block five times.
Then I got tired, so I picked up the block and put it back in the grandkid's toy box.
Me ( playing poker ):
"I'll see your angina pill and dentures and raise you a hearing aid and a six month bus pass."
Two things to make your day go better:
1. Do not watch the news.
2. Stay off the bathroom scale.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said "on the inside or the outside",
so he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "both."
Moments like this got me wondering if I'm saving too much for college.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239.
One more would be too farty.
An English man a Jew and a Pakistani man were on a train a fly flew in and landed on the Englishman he flicked it off and it landed on the Jewish man he flicked it off and it landed on the Pakistani he grabbed it and ate it just then another fly flew in and landed on the Englishman he flicked it off and it landed on the Jewish man he grabbed it and said, does anyone want to buy a fly !!!
My wife came out to me after 4 years of marriage that she was a lesbian and
wished she had married another woman!
It finally gave us something in common!!
Man is on trial for shooting his wife after catching her in bed with another man, the judge asked why did you shoot your wife?
man said, it seemed easier than shooting a different guy every week!
I was delighted when I got home the other day
and found out all my lightbulbs had been stolen.
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as
can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
So there..... pic.twitter.com/44wQnLP34K
— I am Ken (@Ikennect) August 30, 2024
From 10 yrs. ago.
I exercise religiously. I go running dressed as the Pope.
What if God IS a woman.
Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
I told the bank teller that I was changing banks
& wanted to open an account
"Great. What's the name of your former bank?"
I said, "Piggy"
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of
unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Me: "I need a home improvement loan."
Banker: "What will you be using the money for?"
Me: "A divorce lawyer."
Just said, "Because I said so!,"
and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Do you think the dude that invented the
Breathalyzer has any friends left?
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
If really good-looking people are "eye candy",
guess I'd be "eye broccoli".
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but
how many at night?
Either these e-cigarettes keep getting bigger,
or I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A threesome? Nah, not for me. If I wanted to
horribly disappoint two other people, I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
If everyone would stop screaming, I'm sure we'd
all agree I'm not supposed to be in this women's restroom.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this
time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Blood moon, shooting stars.... I gotta move to a safer galaxy.
Oh finally it's here!!
— Templar⚔️ (@aTeXan575) August 29, 2024
I'll have the answers I've been looking for all my life!!
Heck..all men forever and ever have been wanting to know!! Thank goodness! pic.twitter.com/ijLXYY9UIE
If we removed all of the margarine on Earth,
the world would be a butter place.
I went to see a play about fly fishing.
The cast was amazing.
My friends coerced me into an orgy last night.
I gave in to peer pleasure.
What's the first number...
What's the first number in the English language that uses the letter "A"?
..one-thousAnd or hundred And one ?
I was born a male, and I identify as a male...
But according to Stouffers Lasagna I am a family of four.
Bono and Edge walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "Not U2 again."
A man is in the emergency room after an horrific accident.
A surgeon is examining his hand. He had already lost three of his fingers and the rest of his hand was in a bad way.
“Doc! I’m a taxi driver. Will I still be able to drive with this hand?”
“Maybe. But I wouldn’t count on it.“
When my wife buys bras....................
...................they always give her a flat-rate.
How do you torture a carpenter ?
Pull out his nails.
Those spoofs of Jeopardy were classic. Laugh out loud funny!
Bottom video LMAO
My favorite skit🤫 https://t.co/9ppDKeR2ia
— Kenny Wayne Shoeshh🤫 (@KenWayneShoeshh) August 19, 2024
From 10 years ago.
It was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes.
No YOU sober up, lamp.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by
pretending to go for his gun.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their
chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Eating cereal in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.
If you like to speak in different languages
while high off marijuana, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he
writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let
the grass around it grow really long and then do a rake-over.
When your boss says "you're getting a
little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I texted my wife with "ROTFHAHA" & she replied
with "LMAO" so I don't think she understands that I'm having a heart attack.
I don't know much about fashion. I assume a
leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Being poor sucks. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I hate it when your wife asks you to hold her purse, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.
My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd
give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
My local Blockbuster changed its name to
Building For Rent.
Call me old fashioned, but I'm dying of smallpox.
So I just found out....
...my property line isn't where I thought it was. Good thing too, or it would have been me arrested for those marijuana plants instead of my neighbors.
I'm like a fine wine.
I should be kept in the cellar until I mature into something worthy of sitting at a dinner table.
My 23-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I'd left my wallet in my truck.
As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. "But don't worry," I said with a grin. "I'm leaving my son for collateral."
She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. "What else you got?"
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a
shopping cart at the liquor store.
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple "Calm down"
in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
I called my stock broker this morning and asked her what I should buy.
She said, "Canned goods and ammo."
When does a joke become a dad joke ?
When it goes away and never comes back.
Stop the jokes about blacks and Mexicans.
If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.
There are two types of people on the internet.
Those who like cliffhangers and......
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird.
Then I realized he must be one of those "plane clothes cops."
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between
premeditated murder and manslaughter...it's the thought that counts.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime
because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners
Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!
Just working on the lawyer part now.
Just read a fascinating book about an immortal dog.
It was impossible to put down.
I got a laceration on my funny bone.
The doc says I'll be in stitches for a few weeks.
This week a Scots woman set a world record in sheep shearing after shearing 517 of them in nine hours.
Spectators say the record number would've been higher but the counting stopped when the judges fell asleep.
A policeman came up to me and said ‘My sniffer dog tells me you are on drugs’
I replied ‘I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to a dog!’
GROANER TIME:
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) August 12, 2024
I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.
...
What the teacher says. (And what the teacher really means.)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.)
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.)
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking.)
People keep telling me apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
You know what they say about cliffhangers......
If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people...
Teacher: "What have you decided to draw ?"
Little Johnny: "I'm drawing God."
Teacher: "But no one knows what God looks like."
Johnny: "They will in a minute."
George had been a waiter all his life.
After he died, his wife returned to his restaurant with a psychic to try contacting him in the spirit world. The psychic went into a trance and soon the wife thought she could sense her husbands presence.
"George, George, is that you?" asked his wife
"Yes, it's me," said a faint voice.
"Come closer, George, I can hardly hear you," she said.
"Sorry," came the reply, "that's not my table."
How's your new job as a night watchman?
I'm really good at it. The slightest noise wakes me up.
Polish hammer throw athlete disqualified at Olympics...................................
...........................................for using ball-peen hammer.
Sad to relate..............................
In the men's steeplechase final, again this Olympics...............................................................................
...................they failed to catch the steeple.
Wife: before we were married you used to give me expensive gifts
Husband:yea so
Wife:why don’t you do it anymore
Husband: do you see a fisherman giving worms to a fish after catching it!!
A reporter was sent to give an interview with one of the oldest men in town, the reporter asks him how old are you? The old man says, I’m 96, the reporter asks what you attribute your longevity to, the old man says, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, and I don’t mess around with bad women! Just then he hears a loud bang from upstairs, the reporter asks what was that? The old man says, OH that was dad he’s drunk again!!
Merve says to his girlfriend, I can’t marry you my family is totally against it!
Girlfriend says who are they to stop us?
Merve says my wife and 2 kids!!
My wife and I can never agree on vacations
I want to go to an exotic island and stay in a 5-star hotel,
and she wants to come with me!!
Linda goes to the doctor, and she says, my husband is talking in his sleep have you got something to cure that?
The doctor says, give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!!
What’s the difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife ?
At least the man has a chance of winning the lottery!!
Why is it ?
A woman can argue for 3 straight hours, but 2 minutes into a blow job, all of a sudden her jaw hurts.
Wife ( coming home from shopping ):
"Dammit, the rain got me all wet."
Me: "Really ? You get turned on by the weirdest shit !"
Tropical storm Debby blows cocaine..
Tropical storm Debby blew over $ 1 million worth of cocaine onto beach in Florida.
That's a lot of blow Debby blew.
Grandpa to grandson:
"How many times do I have to tell you not to slide down grandma's boobs !"
Sign seen in tavern mens room...
We aim to please... You aim too, please.
Say hello to my little friend.
Great movie line.
Horrible first date line.
I'm living life dangerously.
Tonight I'm taking both a sleeping pill and a laxative.
If someone made an action figure of me.
The box would would have to specify 'action not included'
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) August 7, 2024
— 💜🇺🇸TraceyLee🇺🇸💜 (@bobette20898402) August 6, 2024
Don't bother paying a therapist.
I'll tell you what's wrong with you for free.
— Papa Woof und Krampus und Bleaken (@woofknight) August 5, 2024
A smile changes everything. 😊pic.twitter.com/M8UrDtbAl1
— ⚜ • 𝕸𝖎𝖈𝖍𝖆𝖊𝖑 • ⚜ (@BasedSolutions1) August 4, 2024
There's a new AI GPS on the market for seniors.
It not only tells us how to get to a place, but also why we wanted to go there.
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
Alcohol, tobacco & firearms! Sounds like my last
family reunion plus 15 buckets of KFC original.
Stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope, where's the Keith Richards Memorial Hospital?
I met a giant once. I didn't know what to say,
so I just used big words.
Hear about the peep hole in girl's locker room?
Police are looking into it.
Did you about the stolen dog collar?
Police are looking for leads.
What's this world coming to?....
I read that people are dying now that have never died before.
At my age, I have social security sex...........
I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.
Trump: “I need to find a way to get to 270.”
J.D.: “Maybe you could give up McDonald’s, Sir.”
An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.
The Scotsman says "Drinks for everyone in the house, on me. I'm paying everybody's tab for the night!" The pub erupts in cheers.
The next day, the headline of the front page of the newspaper read "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub"
The phrase "Don't take this the wrong way"
has a zero percent success rate.
At some point in my life I switched from taking acid to taking antacid.
Cleavage is like the sun, if you're wearing dark
glasses you can look at them longer without injury .
Did you hear about the pig farmer who joined a
terrorist organization ?...................................................................Ham-ass.
If I can say one good thing about my wife's cooking, it broke the dog from begging at the dinner table
If attacked by a bear, play dead.
It will be good practice for when you die a few minutes later.
I'm into fitness.
Right now I'm fitness large maple bar in my mouth
A man and a woman CAN be just friends without there being any sex involved...
It's called marriage.
Just to clarify...
I'm not fat, I am just a few meals ahead and a few shits behind..
When I look in a mirror and see grey hair, tiny wrinkles and dimming eyes.
I think, "They sure don't make mirrors like they used to."
GROANER -- so bad its funny:
John Doe rented his house to Mr. and Mrs. Ellswoth Weevil, and immediately became the lessor of two Weevils.
A 350 credit score prevents identity theft.
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂 pic.twitter.com/Nvb8JlEvgV
— 🦋🦋CutThroatClassy🦋🦋 (@MakingtheDoh) August 2, 2024
A litle gay guy , from NYC, goes into a saloon in Bozman, Montana. The place is empty, except for the bartender.
"Wha'll it be, stranger?"
"I'll have Pink Lady"
" We don't do Pink Ladys"
Shrilly "I read the Montana Bar Guide. You must serve any drink thThe Montana Bar Guide and Pink Ladys are in there. I demand a Pink Lady| By the way. I came all the way to Montana to be surrounded by cowboys. Where a are the cowboys?"
"They're down at Holahan's corral tar and fether'n one of them Easten queers"
In a deeper voice . "No shit| I'll have a double shot of whiskey"
B2B
nice! some good ones there
like the Taint one
sharing some of those!!!!!!!!! LOL
Post your best ones here...
Please, not too blue. Remember, our children may be reading these, too. And language...what is "adult language?"...if it is wrong, it is wrong. Smut gets removed.
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JOKES is for laughs, not political propagandizing, please.
The main criterion for politically out-of-bounds is (but not necessarily limited to): Jokes in which a candidate or political party is the butt of the joke is off-topic and subject to removal. It may be funny as all get-out, but alas, this isn't a campaign thread and IHub has boards specializing in politics and some anything-goes boards.
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