Replies to post #9101 on The Confessional

[teapeebubbles]

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the
house.

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd
fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times
already!!!"

[teapeebubbles]

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by"

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

[teapeebubbles]

A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.

When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied: "Don't tell me I'm on the wrong f#¤king train again!"

[teapeebubbles]

A boy finished cutting the lawn of a priest...the grass was very thick and long, and it took the boy about 4 hours to cut. He approached the Father for payment and the priest paid him $1.00.

The boy said "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest replied, "What did you say?"

The boy repeated, "Thank you, virgin Father!"

The priest asked him, "Do you know what that means?"

The boy replied, "Yes.... tight ass!"

[teapeebubbles]

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"

[teapeebubbles]

This is the little-known tale of how God came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a command- ment.

"What's a commandment?" they asked.

"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."

So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?"

"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."

The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."

So finally God went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?"

God said, "They're free."

The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!"

[teapeebubbles]

Having been bored witless by the world's most boring preacher, Tom came out of church before the preacher had finished his sermon.

Outside he met his friend Lester, who asked, "Has he finished, then?"

Tom replied, "Well, yeah, he's finished, but the old coot won't stop!"

[teapeebubbles]

The new priest was hosting a meeting in the church of the young candidates for First Communion, with their parents.

Now, this church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life, i.e. the life of the community of the faithful. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.

And then he said, "You see, each one of you is a little pane," and pointing to each child, he said, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And...."

It took a few moments before he realized why all the parents were laughing so hard.

[teapeebubbles]

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[teapeebubbles]

Thanks preacher for allowing me to have 16 wives: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse!

[teapeebubbles]

One day Joe goes to the church and takes a seat in the confessional. "Father", he says, "this week I have sinned forty three times."

"My son", the priest says, "this is a bad thing. Who did this happen with?"

"My wife, Jill," Joe answers.

"But that is not a sin", the priest says, "That is common behavior in a marriage."

"I know,", Joe says with a smile, "I was just anxious to tell someone."

[teapeebubbles]

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson. He brought the house down.

[teapeebubbles]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Ruben piped up, "They must be bored again Christians."